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Amen!

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Muckraker is told that Mr Softie recently walked into a Cabinet meeting with a stern face. Sources said he told the ministers he was tired of their lies and excuses.
After a monologue that lasted more than ten minutes, Mr Softie instructed the ministers to go back to their offices and read Psalm 1 vs 20.
The ministers dutifully nodded and left the meeting.

In the next meeting, Mr Softie asked those who had read Psalm 1 vs 20 to raise their hands. Everyone did. Others even said it was the most instructive verse they had read. The bootlickers praised him for having the wisdom to recommend the verse. Some said the verse had changed their lives while others swore they had shared it with their pastors on Sunday.
One female minister even said her children were already singing the verse.
A male minister said he had read it out at the office prayer the previous day.
A bulky minister said it had inspired him to start jogging and eat less.
One said he was now reading it every morning before coming to work.

Mr Softie watched these testimonies with an amused look on his face. After they had finished their testimonies, he handed each minister a Bible and asked them to read from Psalm 1 vs 20.
What followed was 20 minutes of silence as they all hunted for the verse.
Then one minister raised his hand and requested to speak.
“Boss, I think this version is different from mine,” he said.
“Me too,” said another one. “I read it from the Sesotho version,” said one as he furiously flipped through the pages.
“These English Bibles are a problem for me,” said another one who was now sweating profusely.

Then Mr Softie banged his yellowbone fist on the desk. “Shut up, you morons! Psalm 1 ends with verse 6 and today we are talking about ministers who have a habit of lying and making excuses.
Mr Softie was expecting the ministers to hide under the table in shame but was shocked when they all started screaming at him.
One reminded him that he doesn’t have a strong majority in parliament.
Another said he had sneaked into the office.

One threatened to report him to the Feselady for making them read non-existent verses in the Bible. “Bring Thabane,” said another one.
“You must apologise or you will be history tomorrow,” screamed another minister. The backlash shocked Mr Softie.
“Melamu fatše bahlomphehi,” Mr Softie said.
“Now, let’s read Psalm 1 vs 6”. “For the Lord watches over the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked leads to destruction.”
Amen!

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuu!

muckraker.post@gmail.com

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Prayer for the losers

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Remember to pray for Joang Molapo, Tlohelang Aumane and Khothatso Tsooana. They are all licking their wounds after being clobbered in the RFP primaries.

The people of Maputsoe were not impressed by Joang’s pretentious English accent. At least he is not bellowing like he did when he was spanked by Chessman in the BNP. Back then he cried as he packed his bags to join the AD.

Now he has to look for another home that tolerates those who speak English through the nose. Shibilishibilishibili. Muckraker wishes him well because although he is a mediocre politician, Joang is a good human being.

Aumane lost because he is a political prostitute. Yeh, I said it! And I will say it again before the cock crows thrice. Muckraker can prove that beyond reasonable doubt. The man defected from the DC to join the AD because he was promised a ministerial position. When the AD ran out of its sweetness, he jumped to the RFP.

The RFP however saw through his monkey tricks and rejected him in the primaries. Not here, the RFP people said. But Aumane is not one to spend too long in an unsatisfying political bed.

He is now rumoured to have crawled into bed with the Socialist Revolutionaries. Socialists led by a machonisa. Socialists who drive a million rand car. Phew.

Do they even know what socialism is about? Or maybe they think socialism is the same as socialising. Aumane will not ask those questions because they will interfere with his kuenalisation. He stands for nothing and believes in nothing. He is just a political opportunist. He can sell a relative for bus fare.

As for Tšooana, Muckraker can only say tough luck. He is a typical example of what happens when you run away from an apprenticeship. Clearly, Uncle Tom had not finished training him. It’s not for nothing that he was a PS.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuu!

muckraker.post@gmail.com

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Mahaletere’s tongues

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Did you hear the hilarious joke from that overrated one called Mahaletere? He had a rally in Mohale’s Hoek where he was speaking in tongues. He obviously learnt a few things from his papa, Bushiri. Bushiri, however, did not bother to learn proper English pronunciation from Mahaletere.

The thieving midget still calls Rands Laands, victory is victorly, malaria is maralia, Luke is Ruku and dilemma is diyirema. But this is not about Bushiri. It’s about Mahaletere’s hallucination. He said the AD will win many constituencies in Mohale’s Hoek including Mpharane as they have worked hard to campaign.

“We will win others which I know, but I should not tell you so that the candidates continue to work hard there,” he said.

He also said the AD will beat many parties to the extent that other leaders will lose their minds and have to be admitted at “Mohlomi Mental Hospital”. Muckraker does not know whether to laugh or cry. What she knows for sure is that anyone who remains in the AD needs counselling.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuu!

muckraker.post@gmail.com

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The RFP’s rough play

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MUCKRAKER is having the last laugh as Uncle Sam shreds the rule book of democracy with vim. There is mayhem in the RFP as those who have failed to make it to the list of Uncle Sam’s A Team throw tantrums like kids denied lipong-pong.

You could see the pain on their dejected faces at a press conference they held to moan about their treatment. Muckraker thought she saw one of them wiping a tear.

To add chillies to the wounds Uncle Sam waited until some of the candidates had won the primary elections before picking his team. It’s as if he wanted to send a crude message by making it excruciating.

What is becoming clear is that this is not about meritocracy but Uncle Sam’s whims. You don’t know whether he is using intuition or he gets the message in his dreams.

Either way, it’s a brutal method. It might as well be that he is either rolling dice.
Ke mang ea jeleng
Bohobe ba Ntate
A lala a phinya
Bosiu kaofela
Lekopo-kopo tuee!

Or maybe it’s Biblical. “The last shall be first and the first last,” Jesus says in the Gospel of Matthew. Uncle Sam must have been laughing as he watched the aspiring candidates unleashing sharp elbows on each other in the primaries.

He must have chuckled when he received the final list of the candidates from the constituencies. He then took out a red pen, kicked out his shoes and started editing the list. Moving number six to number one. Number five to number one.

Then he called the candidates to tell them what he had done before making the announcement. Muckraker hears the RFP was kind enough to hire a psychologist to help those edited out of the list to cope with the trauma. Ouch!

Those whose minds could not be repaired by the shrink were consoled by promises of some posts somewhere in the government. A government that might not be formed. It’s some special kind of therapy. You deny a person the right to represent the party after winning a primary election. When they scream you send them for counselling.

If they are still sore and sour you promise them some position in a government that you are not even guaranteed to form.

Muckraker suspects the psychologist was not there to help the candidates recover from their disappointment. Rather, it was the party’s way to evaluate why those candidates thought they could just walk from the primaries straight to the national election without being scrutinised by the leader.

What were they thinking? Who did they think they are?

They are now asking Uncle Sam to explain the criteria he used to select the candidates. That just shows why they need counselling.

Who are they to ask what an owner does with his party?

Did they really think their few dozens of votes in the primaries would matter to the leader?

One excitable fellow who won a primary election after giving his constituency M500 000 for electrification did not make it to Uncle Sam’s list.

Uncle Sam was teaching him a lesson never to use his peanuts to buy votes.

He cannot ask for a refund because the villagers delivered their end of the bargain by electing him. What happened when the results landed on Uncle Sam’s desk is not their business. It serves him right. This is a year of political lessons.

Meritocracy is being redefined. Thebe-ea-Khale is among the best minds in the RFP. Don’t laugh. This is not funny. Minds are going to be lost here. Things are rough.

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