Every MP needs a beating

Every MP needs a beating

BOOM! What Muckraker prayed and fasted for has come to pass.
For eons Muckraker has railed against excitable souls who sabotage fights in parliament. Finally, the MPs had a real fist fight. It was thrilling that in a Black Friday week some MPs acquired black eyes.

Three MPs were injured and treated at the military hospital.
Phew! Talk about cry-babies and drama queens. Muckraker suspects there are some MPs privately nursing sprained necks, small cuts and sore faces but will never set foot in a clinic for fear of being labelled “the beaten ones”.

They are silently tending their wounds while waiting for a chance to revenge. And they might just get a replay because all evidence shows that there will be more bouts in parliament. May we have more brutal fights soon. While MPs were still smarting from the impact of blows and slaps some holier-than-thou people were outraged, calling the episode a disgrace. They were shrieking in bars, churches and stokvel meetings. Such moral headmasters miss the broader picture.

Only those who lack both humour and understanding of our politics are annoyed that our MPs kicked, scratched, slapped and beat each other.
Let’s deal with their lack of humour first. Anyone who doesn’t see anything hilarious about that brawl has the personality of a stone. Now, close your eyes and think of the funniest thing you saw or heard last week or in the past two months.

Don’t think about the social media videos because Muckraker is talking about something local and authentic. Some home-brewed comedy.
If you have heard or witnessed anything funnier than the scuffle in parliament then you are either blessed or cursed. Blessed because you are surrounded by the most humorous people.
Cursed because that silly uncle of yours has once again embarrassed the family at a wedding and funeral.

He probably got so drunk that he groped the mother-in-law and mistook the flower pot for a toilet chamber. Those of us who don’t have witty people or some deranged uncle to tickle us are grateful to the MPs for spanking each other.

It was a spectacle. A tall MP in a white shirt took off his belt and unleashed it on his opponents.
You could see that he is the biggest coward because he was not interested in engaging in real combat.
He doesn’t seem to have done much damage on anyone though.

Muckraker’s favourite boxer is the old and chubby MP who comes into the frame of the video at around eight seconds. Now that is what we call a boxer.
He was dishing it out to the young MPs who were randomly throwing punches and missing their targets. The old man was methodical with his punches. He wasn’t sweating but just gliding across the floor while peppering the Young Turks with blows. You could just marvel at his precision. No huffing and puffing, just neat blows delivered at the right time and in the right places.
The old man was going for the heads as if he wanted to beat the silliness out of them.

You could see that he understood the game because there was never a time when he was backpedalling.
Indeed, the best form of defence is attack.

One MP was floored before he could not land a single punch. Oh dear, what a loser.
He was jumping all over the place when someone hoofed him. He tumbled on his back and never came back up until the fight was over. Instead, he was blessed with a few kicks as he lay there. Another MP forgot that the point of a fight is to hit the opponent. The chap just flew into the melee, swinging punches that hit no one. While he was busy missing others were unleashing blows on him.

A punch caught him on the back of his head and he toppled. Pathetic! Wooden bins landed on one or two MPs’ heads.
Muckraker could hear the loud sound as the wooden bins landed on those heads. It wasn’t the impact that caused the noise. Remember what they say about empty vessels and noise.
It is criminal that not a single MP’s head was cracked open by those flying bins. Muckraker was praying that one of those big heads would burst open so we could see those pea-size brains that make MPs sound so dull.

The manure contaminating their brains would have splattered all over the House. It is possible that there would have been more dung than grey matter.
Equally frustrating is that there were no broken bones and trotters. There was no blood oozing from any MP’s veins. Some pints of blood would have been useful this festive season. Our blood bank is always empty during this season. Eish! Muckraker is upset that there were no swollen lips from the fight. Those lips that poop tosh and lies should have been bashed.

But in the end the fight achieved something bigger than small minds can comprehend. And that brings us to the political facet of that brawl.
For years we have been itching to discipline our MPs for their indolence. Muckraker has always fantasised about walking into parliament with a bag of phafa, locking the door and beating the MPs until they wet themselves or let out something thicker and stinky.

That dream will come true one day, but in the meantime, she must make do with their internal disciplinary mechanisms. Last week they had the sense to chastise each other. That was justice in action. Henceforth, there must be a Standing Order that allows MPs to spank each other.
Thirty minutes a week would not be a bad idea.  It’s Biblically endorsed too.

“When some fool starts an argument, he is asking for a beating,” says Proverbs 18 verse 6.
And Proverbs 19:29 adds: “Judgments are prepared for mockers, and beatings for the backs of fools”.
Do I hear an “Amen”? You are welcome.

The salient point here is that there was nothing scandalous about that fight because it confirmed what we have always known: our MPs are overrated rascals in suits, outfits and on high salaries.
You have to be a dimwit to be pissed at pigs wallowing in mud. Nature and nurture are powerful forces that cannot be wished away. Just because you thought your MP was a decent person doesn’t make them decent. Rascals in a Chinese-built parliament remain rascals.

Villagers don’t change their manners because they have received half a million maloti interest-free loans. A frog in lipstick and make-up remains a frog.
Your MPs are not responsible for your perceptions about them. It’s your problem if you thought your MP is a sophisticated chap. The political value of that fracas should not be missed.
Instantly, we now know that some of our MPs cannot fight. For years they have insulted and invited each other to a fist fight. Last week they had a chance to show what they are made of and they were a huge disappointment. It turns out that they are just blabbermouths who lack the skill and energy to deliver in a real fight.

Incidentally, that brawl has been a blessing of sorts to Muckraker.
A couple of weeks ago Muckraker’s nephew came home with a swollen lip. He had been pummelled by an MP’s son. For good measure, the little bully had told Muckraker’s nephew that he should not bother reporting the assault because his father is a well-built MP who could beat our entire clan.

You know how sons think highly of their fathers’ boxing skills.
On Monday Muckraker broke her own rules and allowed her nephew to take a phone to school.
The video of MPs throwing lousy punches and horribly missing their targets is now the talk of the school.

The MP’s son has been exposed for being an apprentice liar. He has been hiding under desks since then. Muckraker’s nephew is having the last laugh. Now every kid at the school knows that MPs are just hopeless in a fight. The evidence is overflowing from that video.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuu!


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