Get me a Sugar Daddy now!

Get me a Sugar Daddy now!

THE highlight of Uncle Tom’s press conference this week was his chitchat about sugar daddies whom he said should not run after young girls.
He said old men should charm women of their age.
Muckraker could see some female journalists shaking their heads as Uncle Tom said those words.
They were not denying the wisdom of his words.
What surprised them was that these words were coming from him, an old man who has found himself a stunning yellowbone nearly half his age.

He is a beneficiary of the same type of union that he now speaks ill of.
Surely there are still many yellow bones waiting for old men to steal their hearts.
Uncle Tom cannot start warning young ladies about old men because he has now picked the love of his life. It is unfair. Young women should be furious at his attempt to sabotage their ‘projects’.
Old men should be peeved at his attempt block them from marrying young turks.
It is unfair for Uncle Tom to push people of his age to marry people of their age when he is getting his ears kissed by a young woman.

If the old women want partners then they should become sugar mamas.
There is ample evidence at some huge Chinese-built house in Maseru West that age is nothing but a number.
Uncle Tom has always said he is happy with his life.
A few weeks ago, he told a rally that now that he has a young wife he cannot ask for more.
Yet when other old men seek that happiness among young ladies he starts playing headmaster, proffering unsolicited advice about courtship.

What he doesn’t know is that he has inspired a lot of old men.
Now they know that they don’t have to hobnob with their wrinkled age-mates.
There are also a lot of young ladies who want to be like his wife.
In any case, there is evidence that marriages between old men and young women are happier and durable. Those in doubt can look at Robert Mugabe and his wife Grace.
If they think that is too far, they can look at Uncle Tom and his wife.

Still on the press conference, Muckraker was not surprised that Uncle Tom is now coming back to his senses on the wool and mohair issues.
He seems to have finally broken the spell cast on him by a cabal of greedy fellows who surround him.
Yet there is no need to give him credit for doing the right thing.
On the contrary, Muckraker suspects he did it more for himself and his government rather than the struggling farmers.

Muckraker has always known that Uncle Tom’s government will not win the battle against the wool farmers. It has always been as clear as a goat’s behind that the government was on the wrong side of history.
It cannot be right that 40 000 farmers can be shoved under a bus to benefit a Chinese man of dubious credentials.
Now Uncle Tom has been forced to retreat from his hard-line stance. He says he is giving farmers three months to sell their wool and mohair to whoever they want.
The impressionable ABC minds will see this as a sign that Uncle Tom is finally listening to the voice of the people.

They are wrong. The decision is an admission by the government that its policy has failed. Uncle Tom is admitting that he was wrong to have thrown his lot with the Chinese man.
He has no choice but to allow the farmers to sell their wool elsewhere because the Chinese man doesn’t have the money. He has dismally failed to pay the farmers.
All he gives are excuses. Nyoe, nyoe, it’s the accounts. Nyoe, nyoe, Nyoe, there is a problem with the payment system. Nyoe, nyoe, nyoe I have to pay from my pocket. Nyoe, nyoe the farmers don’t understand our payment system. All of which is bunkum.

The man is an overrated pickpocket who had neither money nor business skills.
His biggest achievement was to fit a few ministers into his pocket.
After that, he has been running around like a headless chicken.
In any other country the man would have been told to sit down and shut up.
But this is Lesotho were idiots can find audience with ministers. Birds of the same plumage perambulate in the same proximity.

You know a political party is about to kick the bucket when it starts looking for a sugar daddy called Government of National Unity (GNU).
For evidence, look at how the LCD is bellowing loudest about the GNU.
You have to give it to Metsing for his ability to clamber any sugar daddy he thinks is galloping into government.
In 2012 he saddled on Uncle Tom’s back and found himself perched on the deputy prime minister’s position.
Later he jumped on to Size Two’s shoulders and sneaked back into power.
Now out of friends and faced with a long winter spell in political Siberia, Metsing thinks he has found another mule in the form of a GNU.

The hypocrisy of it all is breath-taking but what is equally stunning is that Metsing’s conscience is not pricked by the duplicity of it all.
This is the same man who went on voicemail when others were taking about a GNU in 2012. He feigned ignorance when some suggested a GNU.
Hana GNU e bolela’ng?”
Ba re GNU e bolela Group of Notorious Unions.”

When the GNU noise intensified the man simply declared that he was now deaf. His standard answer to anyone who spoke about it was to say “Mmmmmmmmmmm?
He pulled a middle finger at those who suggested the same arrangement when he was in Size Two’s wobbling government.
A few weeks before the election that eventually booted him out of office Metsing would not listen to anyone who suggested a GNU.
He was confident that there will be another horse to deliver him to Qhobosheane.

Today he sits in the wilderness, without any hope of getting back into government. His supporters cannot even fill a golf cart.
He is surrounded by an executive teeming with dimwits and novices peppered with a dash of enthusiastic bootlickers. Those with a bit of spine and shame are dropping him like he stinks.
The man stands alone in the cold to hopelessly watch the demise of his political career. The LCD, the party he brazenly stole from Size Two, is on its last breath.
To revive both he has to seek a political accommodation of sorts.

Yet him and the LCD are like the illegal contraband that won’t sell even on the black market.
Metsing and the LCD are unmarriageable. Uncle Tom might be in the throes of a self-inflicted crisis but he won’t be opening his doors for a shivering Metsing and hobbling LCD.
He knows Metsing cannot be trusted to remain a guest in the government. As soon as he gets warm he will start his monkeyshines. Nyoe, nyoe, nyoe I am not being consulted on major decisions. Nyoe nyoe, nyoe and nyoe.
There is no room for him in a DC-led government; he has bitten them too many times. In any case, they know that when it suits him the man conveniently forgets that the DC is not the LCD.
He thinks the DC is an extension of the LCD.

As far as he is concerned, the split that happened a few years ago was academic. Given a choice, he would dump the LCD to lead the DC. After all, there is nothing much to lead in the LCD.
It’s an empty hovel long deserted by its inhabitants who are now scattered across political parties. To him, Mokhothu Mathibeli is a novice who jumped up into a position of leadership.
He believes with Size Two retired he is now the leader of both parties.
Never mind that it was his shenanigans that haunted Size Two out of the LCD.

Metsing will never give you concrete reasons why he likes the GNU because he has none that benefit the country.
Even suggestions that elections will be too expensive is a ruse to avoid facing the voters because the LCD is unelectable.
Five years ago it was fashionable to say the LCD was a party in decline.
Three years ago it was fine to say the LCD is heading for the graveyard.
Today it’s correct to say the LCD is dead.
What remains of it are small pockets of diehard supporters. They remain in the party because they have probably invested too much to quit.

So Metsing’s hostility to an election has nothing to do with saving money but avoiding further embarrassment at the ballot.
The only way into the government is through a GNU because it is based on including every Thabo and Rose, whose only qualification is to exist as a politician.
The GNU allows him to prolong the LCD’s life by another five years. It is the last option to regain political relevance he lost more than half a decade ago.

Without a GNU, Metsing might as well look for a burial society or stokvel to lead.
He needs a GNU because it allows him to sustain the façade that he and his party still matter.
But there is another reason why he desperately wants a GNU. It’s the only way he can be sure that he won’t be harassed by those who accuse him of several crimes.
It’s his ticket out of the impending trouble that is about to befall him.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuu!

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