Muckraker: Gamblers always lose

Muckraker: Gamblers always lose

ANOTHER election has been stolen in Zimbabwe. The only surprise here is that some people are shocked that Zanu-PF has ‘won’ the election.
The writing was on the wall. History has taught us that Zanu-PF is a thief of elections. A friend from that country tells Muckraker that so legendary is the party’s thieving habits that every time you pass near its head offices you must check your underwear.

If you are still wearing it that means the party leaders think it has so many holes that they cannot even mop the floor with it.
This election result only confirms that Zanu-PF’s long fingers have only grown longer since they connived with the army generals to push out Robert Mugabe, their loud but inept leader, in a coup last November.

It also shows that for all their gloating about being smart and educated, Zimbabweans are incapable of seeing a bus until they are under it.
Muckraker would chuckle every time a Zimbabwean friend started hallucinating about the opposition’s chances in the election. Nyoe, nyoe, nyoe, the momentum is with the opposition.
Nyoe, nyoe, nyoe the people were afraid of Mugabe but now that he is gone they can finally boot out his party. The delusion was staggering, if not palpably sad.

It’s one thing to hope and quite another to have wet dreams. Now all Muckraker hears on Facebook and social media are screams of horror and anguish.
Nyoe, nyoe, nyoe we cannot afford another five years under these bloodsuckers. Yeh, right! You just had four decades under the same rotten system.
In their quest to attract sympathy and throw pity parties Zimbabweans forget that they and Zanu-PF are joined at the hip. In a way they are in the same WhatsApp group with their leaders. That is why they tolerate their shenanigans and tomfoolery.

So when they are tomfooled they sulk for a few days before going back to toiling.
Along the way they lie to themselves that all will be well and something will give.

Last November Zimbabweans showed that they lack the foresight to break the system. After the army turned on Mugabe for firing Emmerson Mnangagwa, the people of Zimbabwe had a collective orgasm.
They rallied behind the new man and his military friends to push out Mugabe.
There is no doubt that the old goat called Mugabe had overstayed his welcome by more than a quarter of a century. No one denies that the alliance between the army and the people was for expedience.

The problem is that Zimbabweans, including the garrulous and ham-fisted opposition, forgot that the coup was neither their game nor their train into the future.
They forgot that the best deals are done before an event and not after it.

When they should have insisted on an arrangement that puts the country on a path to proper democracy they threw parties and got drunk stupid with euphoria and hope.
That is what happens when you think the end of a dictatorship naturally means the beginning of democracy.
Muckraker will tell you today that there is a funeral in Zimbabwe.

The moaning and mourning will continue for the next few weeks until Zimbabweans get used to the reality that yesterday is the same as today and tomorrow offers no respite.
They will lick their wounds and adapt. By ‘adapting’ they mean learning to live with tosh. They mean grooving with poverty. Bumjiving with hunger.
Then after months of the same old backbreaking struggle they will thump their chests and say: we are a resilient lot.
My foot!

After five years another election fever will grip them and they will once again have wet-dreams. This is it, they will say. Now is the time, they will declare.
They will slip back into their gambling habit again.
Zimbabweans will swear with their mothers that they don’t have a terrible betting problem but it is the truth.

Every five years they place their wagers on Zanu-PF losing the election and they lose.
This time they again bet big on Zanu-PF losing and they lost big.
Nyoe, nyoe, nyoe watershed election.

There was never a turning point in the offing.
Where they get the nerve to be such reckless gamblers we might never know.
It has been clear since November that what they thought was a transition was a permanent arrangement.

Mnangagwa never had an intention to be the bridge to a democratic Zimbabwe. A thief of fantastic skills, Mnangagwa has no time for such trivialities as democracy and rule of law.
He looks after himself and his comrades. The complaints from the people are minor irritations that should not be allowed to get in the way of his core business of stealing hand over fist.
It was naïve of Zimbabweans to believe that he and the army could remove Mugabe so that they are replaced after a few moons.
Regimes in Zimbabwe don’t last pregnancies but generations.

Zimbabweans know this but they choose to believe otherwise because they have a terrible gambling problem.
As Muckraker writes this there is fire in Harare, as protesters vent their anger on street lights, rockeries and Jacaranda trees.
The army has been unleashed, leaving a few dead and scores injured. That is how it ends. A few skirmishes here and there.
Tomorrow, calm will return to the streets of Harare where everyone is selling something to someone.

Zimbabweans will stoically take the blows inflicted on their numb bodies and souls by the few strongmen who think the country belongs to them.
In months they will hope again that Mnangagwa will rebuild their once vibrant economy. They will pretend they don’t know that this is the same man who helped Mugabe ruin the same economy.
The jury is still out on whether they are just a naïve or an extremely optimistic bunch. Muckraker thinks it’s neither of those.
It must be in the genes. It’s impossible that such stupidity is a result of socialisation. Such a strain of mediocrity cannot be taught at school.
The poison must be the sperm and the egg.

As Zimbabweans were squawking Basotho are fuming over Aaron Banks. Brother Maseribane is accused of receiving donations from the British insurance mogul in exchange for a prospecting lease.

Dots have been connected and Maseribane has been found guilty by holier than thou zealots out to gain a higher moral ground.
Yet, if the truth be told, there is nothing overly scandalous about the transaction.

Indeed the party received the money through his account.
Yes Banks later got a prospecting licence.
But we should not pretend to be shocked at the revelations.
We all know that parties in this country have been receiving donations from dubious characters for years.

We should never be under any illusion that those donations are free lunches.
At some point the donor will ask for a pound of flesh and the beneficiary has to deliver.
The donations are loans to be repaid. Only in this case the beneficiaries pay with our resources.
Maseribane and his party are only being pilloried because they were caught.

Almost every party in this country has a benefactor who opens his cheque book with the hope of getting a bigger pay day in future.
Maseribane and his party deserve credit for admitting that they received the money.
Let any congress party utter a word of condemnation and Muckraker will hang their dirty laundry at the bus stop.

We are allowed to keep our skeletons in our closets but we cannot be hypocrites.
Uncle Tom has already admitted that he got some money from Banks when he was in exile. He said it was for soap. Who said exiles are not allowed to bath.
Muckraker wonders how much soap he bought. A few trucks of soap, perhaps.
Don’t get shocked. Uncle Tom knew that he was going to wear pink things one day. When you wear suits that are banned by dry cleaners you need every bar of soap you can get. Foresight!

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuu!

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