Phori’s silly lotto

Phori’s silly lotto

Muckraker has never doubted that Thuso Litjobo, the AD spokesperson, is just a blabbermouth whose only political strategy is to yell at political opponents.
He has to shout because a civil debate will expose him for the empty charlatan he is.
He doesn’t engage in any thoughtful conversation because thinking pains him.
Rumour has it that he once suffered a serious rash after attempting to use his brains. Since then he has vowed never to think again. Once bitten, twice shy.

Yet that has not stopped him from opening his mouth and spewing venom.
Litjobo runs his mouth like it is connected directly to ‘Muela.
His latest victim is AD’s secretary general, Mahali Phamoste, whom he repeatedly spanked last week.
Pretending to be too clever by half, Litjobo avoided mentioning Phamotse’s name but listed the ministries she has managed. It was clear that the garrulous activist was biting the sister.
He said Phamotse has a knack for destabilising ministries. Phamotse says she is fine but Muckraker knows she is still reeling from the lashing. What worsens her misery is that she cannot debate with Litjobo because they don’t have the same level of acumen.

When Phamoste asks for a civil discussion Litjobo will spit out new scurrilous allegations before stuffing his ears with cow dung so he cannot hear what Phamotse says.
Poor Phamotse just has to stand there and watch little Litjobo shouting profanities and screaming like a spoilt brat.
She knows she is no match for this political rascal. She cannot go dirty because Litjobo doesn’t mind wallowing in mud like a pig.
It is tempting to say Phamotse is getting what she deserves.
After all, she willingly entered politics. She obviously knew that politics is a gutter teeming with tosh, imbeciles, thieves, liars and dimwits.
But it will be unfair to blame the sister for her troubles. The problem is with democracy, especially the brand we have in Lesotho.

It has no sieve for mediocrity. It favours popularity over competence.
It nourishes morons while starving smart people. It values the uninformed ‘will’ of the ‘people’ more than substance. The result is that people who know nothing about political, social and economic issues elect the likes of Litjobo who are equally ignorant about how things work.
There is nothing fair about a political system that has no mechanism to block liars, ignoramuses and thieves from attaining power. We are taught to swim, bath, run companies, balance books, build and sew.
Nearly every job requires some sort of training. Yet no one teaches us the art or skill of choosing competent leaders.
Democracy says take your ballot and place your ‘X’ on your favourite candidate. Never mind that you don’t have the skill to analyse that candidate’s policies.
And even if you understand their policies you are told that if your candidate turns out to be a lying thief or an empty head you still have to be stuck with them for the next five years. This is the flawed process that begets the likes of Litjobo.

Not long ago we were treated to some free pornography by Melusi Gigaba, the disgraced former Home Affairs Minister of South Africa.
Many were disgusted at the sight of Gigaba flaunting his gigantic gigabyte while threatening to unleash it into someone’s mouth.
Muckraker was amused, for this was a man who knows he is gifted.
Shake what your mama gave you. The mad shrieking that ensued was not directed at Gigaba himself but his gigabyte.

Most of it was out of envy and jealousy. Men were angry that they were not as talented as the minister.
The sight of that monster reminded them that they were lacking and there was nothing they could do to catch up with Gigaba. Even if they drank drums of moriana they still had nothing on Gigaba.
The boss was Gigaba.
Women were furious that they could not sample what the former minister had.
Looking at the ‘gigabyte’ reminded them of what they were missing.
And this was not something they could just put on layby or borrow from machonisa.
Suddenly they realised that there are some things stokvels cannot get you.
And so Gigaba was hounded out of office on charges that his video was immoral and unbefitting of a minister.

It turns out that while some people were busy condemning Gigaba, our very one Chalane Phori was full of admiration.
Phori liked the idea that a man can speak about his willy without worrying about repercussions.
But as usual Phori did not understand the full story.
He bunked the lesson before Gigaba said: “Imagine this in your mouth”.
So a week ago Phori announced that he would rather be castrated than allow Lesotho’s wool and mohair to be sold in South Africa.

Now that the High Court has ruled that his regulations are illegal and rejected the government’s application for stay of execution, he has no choice but to allow the farmers to sell their wool.
That means someone must now be sharpening his okapi to separate Phori from his things. He has lost the bet so he must pay up.
And this will bring us to the crucial question: what will we see when that happens?
Muckraker’s imagination is running wild.
Henceforth he will be known as the ‘thingless’ minister. We can only hope that will bring him down to earth with a thud.

The real heartbreak and scandal is in Phori’s motive for making such a reckless bet.
He will be remembered as the only minister who lost his assets while defending a Chinese man.
No Chinese man has ever been castrated while defending a fellow Chinese.
Now a whole Mosotho man wants to be gelded to please a Chinese man.
The English language, as cannibalistic as it is, will take years to find the right word for such things.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuu!

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