Tainted love

Tainted love

So I decided to stop running from the truth. I was ready to submit. Face my demons and surrender. Every day I woke up and I yearned for your touch just as a flower yearns for sunlight. Because you’re my sunshine.
Even more, I missed how you ran your fingers against my face and I felt like I was walking on clouds. How you held on to me for dear life and I knew you needed me just as much as I needed you.

How you took me in and breathed heavily down my neck giving me all the pleasure in the world. We’d lay together after, gasping for breath our fingers intertwined and let our souls speak to each other.
In that very moment, I’m thinking this must be the perfect definition of a soul-mate. Every morning I woke up next to you and the first thing you’d always say is “hey”. Those three letters soothed my soul and warmed my heart.

You’d kiss me on the forehead and stare deep into my eyes. We strolled the streets in the dark but when you put your arm around my shoulder and pulled me close I knew I was safe.
I don’t ever want to forget you. Please don’t make me. Because I still think about you every minute of every day and feel like I’m star gazing.

And out of all the stars, none shine brighter than the stars I see in your eyes when you look at me. It’s funny how you’d tease me about my crying and now you’re the only reason I cry. Our love is dead but I believe in ghosts!
A couple of months ago I met a boy and fell in love. Well, who am I kidding? I know the timing. Let me rephrase that.

Two months ago, I met the man of my dreams. I know what you’re thinking but I think two months is perfectly enough time for two people to fall in love with each other. Except well, I’m not exactly sure he’s in love with me but that’s besides the point.
See, I wouldn’t really call it love at first sight. I mean the first time I saw him is like almost two years back and I’ve probably stalked him online since. I don’t even remember how I ended up with his Instagram username, but when I followed him and he followed back, it felt like such an accomplishment.

Of course, I was then miserable waiting for him to DM me which he never did. I remember how excited and pissed I would get every time he liked my pictures and believe me, it was EVERY TIME.
Like the brother had me confused. Dude, do you like me or are you just genuinely a nice person and thought let me tap the like button for my home girl.

Yeah I did mention we stayed in the same town right? Except he was in school in Johannesburg. Now here’s the first complication, he was best buddies with my cousin, who I referred to as my brother, Lawrence.
Almost like brothers really. In another world, that would have actually been a plus. I mean, my brother could put in a good word for me and hook me up but no shame, not the brother I have.
I didn’t quite understand the whole history of their friendship but once when I had asked Lawrence about him he made it crystal clear that it was too important to jeopardize over such ‘unnecessary nonsense’.

Ah! There goes all the dreams about my knight in shining armor. Down the drain. Thankfully I hadn’t really entertained the thought much because I always thought the brother was way out of my league so mission abandoned.
You know how they say the universe works against people? I probably was always the number one victim on the list. Like it just went and took everything I wanted and rubbed it in my face that I couldn’t have it.

Not even a taste. Just when I was forgetting about my prince charming, it pushed him right in my arms only just to snatch him out.
Lawrence texted me saying he needed me to run errands for him. He’s usually very organized but that morning he was just not making sense. I mean how do you ask me to go run an errand and ask your friend to run the same errand?

Now I was confused, should I do it or is your friend doing it? I took it up with him and he could tell by my tone that I wasn’t in the mood to play games. The conversation ended with him sending me a contact and a short annoyed “sort it out between the two of you” text.
Oh great! Now I have to deal with this stranger as well. I don’t know if I believe in ancestors, but at this moment I found myself kissing the ground and thanking my ancestors.

The contact read D-Tee. I didn’t recognize the name but I recognised the profile picture immediately. I had seen it on one of my occasional online visits to his profile. I finally had his number! Was my first thought.
Getting those eight digits was mission impossible and I never in my wildest dreams thought I would. From Lawrence even. I did a brief run of victory outside the house and when I was calm, at last I started.
“Hey”
“Hi” He replied.

Just hi? No emoji? No God I’m so happy to hear from you? Oh well.
“Yeah so Lawrence asked me to go get his jacket at the dry cleaners but he sort of mentioned you going so I was wondering if you going or I should go.”
Long 5 minutes wait. If I didn’t like him so much I probably would have blocked him already. Does he not know not to keep a lady waiting?
“Oh nah no problem. I was already headed there for my own stuff so I might as well go” Him.

That’s it? Can we not go together at least? I mean I was also asked. But the truth is I didn’t care about the jacket really or who went to get it. I had his number now and he had mine so it was time to put two and two together, you know.
“Cool okay then. Thanks for clarifying that”

I realised after how stupid I was thanking him. Like why did I need to thank him though? Or maybe in my head I was already thanking him for those good times ahead. Those walks we would take on weekends and those cold days we would spend cuddling on the couch watching movies.

Steamy showers we would share with him washing my back and me his. The kisses we are yet to share and those beautiful kids we are yet to have. Okay, maybe that’s going a bit too far; but how can I not?
I mean that’s the whole point of dreaming and fantasising. Breaking boundaries and going all out. Why dream if you’re going to keep it mediocre. Then I could just have it on my to-do list instead because it is so within reach.
Where’s the fun in that?

I spent the rest of my day on my phone waiting for a message from prince charming. Believe me, it was one of the longest days in my life. The day was almost over and still nothing. Seems all prince charming is good at is letting me down. Whatever happened to letting a girl down easy? Not even “oh hey I got the jacket” text?

I mean yeah it wasn’t my jacket and I wasn’t the one who sent him to get it but really? People just lack appreciation out there. So now the ball was in my court. I didn’t mind at all. What’s that they say again?
“If you want something done well then do it yourself”.
Don’t worry baby, I got us. I’ve never been afraid to rise to a challenge. Always loved taking charge and was considered ‘controlling’ at some point.
My friends would always tell me how I always get what I want. Guys that is.

Unfortunately it never ended well for me. There’s a saying that guys are hunters and only appreciate something they worked hard to get so I guess me always handing myself out on a silver platter to these guys never really worked in my favour.

This is an extract of an unpublished novel by Mpoi Matete, a 20-year-old student at the Centre for Accounting Studies in Maseru

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