ABC fiasco plus lazy journalists

ABC fiasco plus lazy journalists

HERE we go again, majoring in manors. Nyoe, nyoe, nyoe, the rally in Likhoele was bigger than the one in Berea. Nyoe, nyoe, nyoe there was a sea of yellow in Berea and a pond of yellow in Likhoele. Such is the penis envy that has stolen this lousy show.
And so the disobliging debate over who had the most numbers on Sunday rages on in bars, churches and society meetings. Meanwhile, the ABC is about to implode because a bunch of sore losers is refusing to leave office. In this country, we have a sickening penchant for confusing a tree for a forest.

A typical example is the mad shrieking over the fiasco in the ABC. We are pretending that there is a real battle between the warring factions. Such fear mongering is a result of our insatiable passion for crisis.
We thrive on things going bad because we are fervent gossipers. We specialise in laundering lies because facts are rarely useful when you are addicted to telling tall tales.

We like it when the lie flies like a jet while the truth is still putting on its boots. We forget, and deliberately so, that the real crisis in the ABC was averted when the party had an election in February where there was a loser and a winner.
That some fellows have galloped to the courts, hands over head, does not mean the crisis has worsened.
If anything, the court case indicates that we are probably at the tail end of this crisis.
The fires have smouldered, yet we think we can fan it into flames.

Forget the tosh about the allegation that the number of votes was way more than the delegates.
There is nothing new here. Anyone who wants to challenge an election screams about the numbers. And they can say anything to substantiate their claim.
The issue here is that the people who organised the election, invited delegates and hired a third-party to manage the election are refusing to accept the results. The old committee is saying someone rigged an election they organised.
Phew! The desperation is shocking. It’s your choice to laugh or cry.

One of the most inane arguments in the court papers is that the director of LCN is close friends with Professor Nqosa Mahao. So let’s get this right. First you say Mahao does not qualify to contest the election.
You fire his constituency for insisting that he must contest. The constituency sues and you hire high powered lawyers to fight the case. You fire Mahao from the party. You fight all the way to the Court of Appeal.
Then he comes to the election with a court order saying he has a right to contest the election you have organised. Then you hire his friend to run the election. He wins and you scream.
You say the election was rigged because the person you hired to run the election was Mahao’s friend.
When his committee comes to the party’s offices at Metcash you sprint down Mpilo Road with the keys.
It’s been long since we had such a hilarious comedy.

Even the ever squabbling congress parties are incapable of such stupendous comedy.
By taking such a frivolous argument to court, the old committee is confirming that it is daft.
But Muckraker is not shocked that they are trooping to the court with this one-legged case.
The old committee has been shambling since Mahao announced that he was in the race.
Their first mistake was to try to block his candidature. What followed will go down in history as one of the worst campaign strategies ever seen in this country.

In a bid to block Mahao, the old committee unwittingly thrust him in the limelight.
Mahao had started as a kitten but by February he was a bulldog because the old committee had fed him on milk called victimisation.
They thought they were blocking Mahao but were actually touting for him. Mahao didn’t have to spend a cent to campaign because the committee was doing a splendid job for him.
He merely had to duck the boulders they were tossing at him. And the beauty of it all is that the committee was using the party’s resources to campaign for him.

Within five months Mahao, the political nonentity, was now a political hurricane.
The committee is now huffing and puffing but we all know they lost a game they initiated and refereed.
You have to be a spectacular man to lose a game you have organised and refereed.
An incumbent who organises an election cannot claim that an election was rigged.
To do so is to pretend to be daft. The truth is that at some point during the fight the old committee appointed itself Mahao’s campaign manager and financier.

Having lost in the Court of Appeal the committee had to pay Mahao’s legal costs. In other words, Mahao did not have to spend a cent to fund the court cases against him.
Mahao repaid the committee with a thumping victory and a loud laugh that thundered across the Roma valley. The old committee’s anguished screams startled the rats in Thamae. Just desserts served chilled.
Lebohang Hlaele would say: you loaded the pipe, now smoke it.

All this brings us to that damp squib of an agreement to settle the matter out of the court’s armpits.
There was bumjiving in some gullible quarters when the agreement was announced. The most jubilation was among journalists who obviously have skin in this brouhaha.
Naivety is not a crime. Yet it’s not a virtue either. Just because you belong to a slew of imbeciles doesn’t make you a horrible person. It’s okay to not know that you don’t know.

The trouble comes when you masquerade as an authority on matters way beyond your acumen level.
Muckraker will come upon you like a ton of bricks. You would have to be a dimwit to believe that anything will come out of the so-called talks. Any negotiation that starts with talks about talks leads nowhere.
The truth is that the factions had nothing to talk about.
A loser doesn’t have the leverage to negotiate with a winner about a victory. The only discussion is how fast the loser can vamoose from office.

The loser can ask for hours to clear his desk, pull down his pictures and pack his bags.
It is the winner and not the loser who decides how much time the loser can have to pack his baggage.
In this case the loser wants to decide the terms of leaving.
Nyoe, nyoe, nyoe, Mahao should not be in the committee.
Nyoe, nyoe, nyoe, we don’t have a problem with the new committee but just Mahao. And all this is coming from soldiers who have neither horses nor swords.

Enter the compromised pundits who masquerade as analysts and journalists.
Blah, blah, blah, the talks are the only way to go.
Blah, blah, blah, the factions should find each other.
Blah, blah, blah, this dispute needs a political solution. Blah, blah, blah, Blah, blah and blah. All of which is pretentious analyses that amounts to zilch.

Now that the talks have collapsed, as they were bound to, we will have bellowing headlines about the so-called crisis. We will be told that the ABC is headed for a split, as if we didn’t know that already. They will say the instability in the ABC will affect the coalition government, as if they are talking to their toddlers.
Spare us the tosh for we already know what is coming.

The most nauseating narrative is one that portrays the ABC’s impending split as an Armageddon of sorts.
There is no disaster here. The ABC will not be the first party to split. It will not be the last.
The worst that can happen is that we will have another election that gives us a false erection.
Of course, our peace will be briefly disturbed by the hollow rallies.
But the upside is that those rallies will have some entertainment value in a country where sex and beer are the only recreational activities. Remember the price of beer is set to go up.

So what better way to save some coins than whiling up time at a rally where comical lies are spewed?
The fall of this government will only affect those who have been thrust near the feeding trough.
It is those freeloaders who are screaming the loudest about the impending implosion of the government. For the rest of us it will be business usual. The daily grind will continue. The civil servants will keep their zero percent salary increase. Teachers will continue their pointless powwows.
The Chinese will still be smiling all the way to the bank.
Thieves will continue their shindigs.

On an entirely different note, Muckraker would like to know what crime Pascalinah Kabi has committed.
The sister is working like a donkey while some of her colleagues are specialising in indolence.
Muckraker usually minds her own business but she has had it to the back teeth with senior journalists who pretend to be working. They wake up every morning, do a vigorous basekomo and claim they are going to work. Yet every time Muckraker opens the newspaper it’s Pascalinah Kabi all the way.

Even Moorosi Tšiame, the sports journalist, has seen this injustice. That is why he is now chipping in with some news stories. He is actually good at it. Plus all Manchester United fans are good people.
Mohalenyane Phakela knows it too so he has upped his game. It’s good that he dumped those nonsense stories about disco this, DJ that and beauty queen there. He is pretty good as a news reporter.
The rest of the so-called senior reporters on the news side are frauds farting on their chairs.
Yeh, I said it! And I will say it again before anyone raises a finger of protest.
If that gets their goat then so be it. Muckraker knows that one of the most indolent senior reporters will soon be on Facebook to debunk this salient truth.

That’s all she does these days: giggling on Facebook and talking claptrap while waiting for the pay cheque.
Muckraker expects a humble thank you for reminding the reporters to pull their socks and help a sister.
They know where to send the bottle of Chivas. Adios!

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