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Here comes ofisiri

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THE Lesotho Murderous Police Service is sending officers on a peacekeeping mission to Mozambique.
You read that right.
Mohlolo of the year.

This would be funny were it not something serious.

It’s tragic that officers who cannot control a crowd of 300 unarmed students without resorting to violence are now being sent to a war zone to maintain peace.
It is a notorious fact that our police fear crowds.

These are officers who cannot control a herd of cattle without firing their guns or unleashing sticks and boots. They are an excitable lot incapable of containing their exuberance.
For the police, every problem is a nail that needs a hammer.

Every crowd must bleed for them to be satisfied that they have worked.
A good day is when someone screams in pain, defecates in their pants or has bled.

Now they are being dispatched to Mozambique, a country in the throes of war. Muckraker hopes the commissioner is not sending the scum of the police on international duty because they will thoroughly embarrass the country.

The only consolation is that Mozambique is a Portuguese-speaking country so they won’t be quarrelling with locals.
You can imagine our ofisiri asking for a bribe from a driver in mutilated Portuguese.

He doesn’t know how to say ‘give me something for a drink’ in Portuguese.
Perhaps they should have been given a quick language course to learn the basics before leaving. Simple things like how to ask for a bribe, threaten violence or negotiate nyafu.

The most important lesson should however be on currency.
Muckraker has crucial tips for them. Call it a mofao of wisdom.

The first is that they should remember that they are not in Motimposo.
Second, Mozambicans don’t tolerate unruly and uncultured police officers.

They will retaliate with vigour if you hit them.
And they have no qualms using instruments that leave indelible marks.

The third, and most important, is that the Rand is not equivalent to Mozambique’s Metical. One Metical is equal to 26 cents.
Why is Muckraker telling them about the currency? Well, so that they know how much to ask in bribes. We don’t want them wasting their talent in the art of corruption on small monies in

Mozambique. And one last thing: Mozambique has an ocean that you cannot swim cross like Maqalika. Stay on the shallows if you cannot swim, I beg!
In the meantime, Muckraker will be throwing a party to celebrate having fewer officers to deal with. They are a menace.

 

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuu!

muckraker.post@gmail.com

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Tau’s gambling

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Selekenyane Tau, the businessman who pumped M373 127 of his money to electrify houses in his Thaba-Phechela constituency, is a special man. Not because he is generous.

That was not charity. Not because he is brave. That was anything but bravery. He is special because he appears to have a very expensive gambling problem.

Now that he has lost the primaries, we should be serious about getting him checked.

He is now throwing tantrums and accusing Uncle Sam of betraying him by supporting his rival in the primaries. Sing him a lullaby if you can.

Tau got 80 votes in the primaries (keep that number in mind for it will become crucial in the next 83 words). Teboho Mokhethi, the man who defeated him, got 111 votes.

Some are saying he is Father Christmas.

There are those saying this shows that people are ungrateful. They are wrong.

It shows that people are smart enough to see through a naked vote-buying ploy.

The first real lesson here is that gambling is dangerous. The second is that the villagers in Lesotho understand politics better than those who want to lead them. Third, most RFP elites understand politics like ten-year-olds. Some are no better than toddlers.

The fourth and most important lesson is that you should know the nature of a business before investing. Let’s bring back Tau’s 80 votes that Tau bought for a staggering M373 127.

In other words, he bought each of the primary votes for M4 664. Of course, he was giving that money to whole villages but the point remains the same.

He gave out M373 127 and got M4 664 in return. He would not have made that investment if it wasn’t for his political ambition. He went for broke and was broken. Muckraker will not laugh at the man because something good has come out of his naivety. Lesotho needs more such gullible politicians.

Look, now the people of Thaba-Phechela will be getting electricity.

You would think Tau would throw in the towel and cut his losses. But he is a determined man. He has now joined the AD because he says the people have told him that they love him.

It’s the same people he gave M373 127 after they told him that they love him.

He sure doesn’t know that the villagers are cunning. They might not know anything about the war in Ukraine or anything about Boris Johnson but they understand when and how to make aspiring politicians open their wallets.

The people of Thaba-Phechela are laughing their hearts out as they separate a man from his money without breaking a sweat. Bring the money Tau. Just bring it. They will vote for you.

Kikiikikikiikkiikikiikii. Hahahahahahahahahaha. He is a gift from the ancestors.

 

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuu!

muckraker.post@gmail.com

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Unreformable and unrepentant

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IT is a notorious fact that our MPs are some of the laziest in the world. They sleep in parliament like their lives depend on it. As if those who don’t sleep will not get their salaries.

There are some MPs who never uttered a word in the last parliament.

You only hear their voices when they say “Amen” after prayers or when they say “I” to vote for things beyond the grasp of their shallow and empty minds. But if you want our MPs to pay attention you just have to threaten their bread. Their eyes shine like Apollo lights and ears open like Maseru’s potholes.

The recent reforms have just done that. It is not a secret that our politicians don’t like the reforms because they threaten their pastures. They come with drastic changes that make it impossible to dish out jobs to cronies and abuse state power.

The reforms clip the prime minister’s wings, making it tough for them to fire PS’ as if they are herdboys. They leave no room for pathetic losers to sneak into parliament with paltry votes.

This explains why the reforms have been frustrated.

Any politician who claims to wholeheartedly support the reforms is lying through the teeth. They can tell that gobbledygook to a mountain.

They will not announce their loathing for the reforms because that would make them look like saboteurs.

Lesotho’s politicians are generally unafraid to pull the middle finger on the people. They take us for granted. But the United States, SADC, EU and AU put the fear of God in them.

You can hear from their fawning statements at the meetings that they are more scared of the international community than their own people.

So instead of bellowing and railing against the reforms they would rather cook up some legal argument to block them. That is why some of them are now arguing that using the state of emergency power to recall parliament to pass the reforms will be a gross violation of the constitution.

Even some certified buffoons that cannot tell a clause from a section are now constitutional law experts. Those who cannot even spell their names under pressure are going through the constitution with a fine comb to find ways to block attempts to recall parliament.

They might be right but their newly found passion to defend the constitution is hypocritical and self-serving.

Every day the constitutional rights of the people of this country are violated while the same politicians remain mum and stand at akimbo. You don’t hear them screaming their lungs out when the police beat, torture and kill suspects.

They go on voicemail when thousands of Basotho go hungry.

Not a word from them when our children are denied education, a basic human right, because schools are either too far from their homes or their parents cannot afford them.

Very few of them had something to say when the NUL student was robbed of his right to life by the callous and trigger-happy police.

None of them raise a finger when hundreds of our people are killed by criminals. They shut up when suspects are denied the right to justice because of our dysfunctional courts.

The point is that the constitution of this country has been repeatedly and brazenly violated that it’s not worth the paper on which it is printed.

 

It has been shredded and peed on by the same politicians who are now claiming to be protecting it from those who want to violate it to get the reforms passed.
Nyoe, nyoe, nyoe the constitution is sacrosanct.

Blah, blah, blah, there is no state of emergency. Yeh right! But you have defecated on the same constitution with impunity. Cut the BS, recall parliament and pass the damn reforms.

It’s the least you can do to redeem your tattered reputation of fighting and sleeping in parliament.

 

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuu!

muckraker.post@gmail.com

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Prayer for the losers

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Remember to pray for Joang Molapo, Tlohelang Aumane and Khothatso Tsooana. They are all licking their wounds after being clobbered in the RFP primaries.

The people of Maputsoe were not impressed by Joang’s pretentious English accent. At least he is not bellowing like he did when he was spanked by Chessman in the BNP. Back then he cried as he packed his bags to join the AD.

Now he has to look for another home that tolerates those who speak English through the nose. Shibilishibilishibili. Muckraker wishes him well because although he is a mediocre politician, Joang is a good human being.

Aumane lost because he is a political prostitute. Yeh, I said it! And I will say it again before the cock crows thrice. Muckraker can prove that beyond reasonable doubt. The man defected from the DC to join the AD because he was promised a ministerial position. When the AD ran out of its sweetness, he jumped to the RFP.

The RFP however saw through his monkey tricks and rejected him in the primaries. Not here, the RFP people said. But Aumane is not one to spend too long in an unsatisfying political bed.

He is now rumoured to have crawled into bed with the Socialist Revolutionaries. Socialists led by a machonisa. Socialists who drive a million rand car. Phew.

Do they even know what socialism is about? Or maybe they think socialism is the same as socialising. Aumane will not ask those questions because they will interfere with his kuenalisation. He stands for nothing and believes in nothing. He is just a political opportunist. He can sell a relative for bus fare.

As for Tšooana, Muckraker can only say tough luck. He is a typical example of what happens when you run away from an apprenticeship. Clearly, Uncle Tom had not finished training him. It’s not for nothing that he was a PS.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuu!

muckraker.post@gmail.com

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