Muckraker: Viva Zodwa

Muckraker: Viva Zodwa

IT’S a blatant lie that our government is not efficient. It is just selective on things it wants to expedite.
Thanks to the silly debate about Zodwa we now know what is top on our government’s agenda. Never in the history of this country has a government been so competent and effective in dealing with a nonsensical issue.

One morning we hear Zodwa is coming and a few hours later we are told government has told her to take her shenanigans somewhere else.
How Zodwa climbed so fast up the government’s to-do-list is baffling.
But in an apt way it just goes to show that the government has too much time on its hands.

Either that or it has just been pretending to be incompetent on all other social, political and economic ills in the country.
Even our indolent MPs could not be outdone. This week they abandoned important debate on national issues to discuss Zodwa. Phew!
So who is this Zodwa character who jolted our sleeping MPs into action? Who is she that she can stun our government into a rare moment of efficacy?
Zodwa is a South African entertainer who specialises in dancing without panties. Her only claim to fame is that she gyrates without an undergarment.
Absconding from wearing knickers is her only talent. That is all there is: zero pantie, zero talent and lame dance moves. Force her to put on a mini brief and Zodwa is finished as an entertainer. She doesn’t sing or play an instrument.

All she has to sell at a show is her half covered behind bouncing on the stage.
Occasionally she will swing her leg wide enough for people to think that they have seen her nether regions. A Zodwa without undies is of no use to the entertainment industry.

But her hatred for knickers has nothing to do with the price of bread or mangoenya. Her performance does not affect the GDP of this country.

Now that we have clarified who Zodwa is we return to the crux of the matter. The pith being that there is a battalion of people who didn’t want Zodwa to perform in Lesotho. And the government and parliament duly obliged.

It’s a debate that was manufactured at a local radio station, propelled by social media and gossip until it reached parliament and Uncle Tom’s office.
So here we are. For the first time in eons we are not talking politics or fuming about soldiers. Zodwa has stolen the limelight from other essential issues like poverty, unemployment, corruption, hunger and crime.

A South African woman who dances without panties is now being discussed by a whole parliament. A whole government is seized by her matter.
The bearded men and breasted women in parliament have deemed Zodwa a subject more important than every other pressing problem in this country.

While the subject of the argument is new the frivolity exuded in the debate is stale.

The arguments against Zodwa coming in two: we are a Christian country and we don’t want our people to be contaminated morally.
Both are wobbling and hobbling arguments because they are based on dubious premises. The idea that Lesotho is a Christian country is one of the biggest hoaxes of our time. It is supported by neither statistics nor action. Statistics first: just because someone claims to be a Christian doesn’t make them a Christian.

In any case, most of those who claim to be Christians don’t know what it means to be a Christian. They think having a baptismal certificate with an English name on it makes them a Christian.
We just don’t read the Bible.

The Bible is an accessory to decorate a shelf in the house.
In church it’s a musical instrument during hymes. On the streets it’s a warning to the alleged enemies that the holder is protected.
But let’s not measure this with theory. Question time: What does Mark 16 verse 21 say? If you are one of the majority who claim to be Christians but are now scrambling for a Bible to check that verse then you are a scandal on two legs.

There is no such verse in the Bible, you con! We are not a Christian country in action. The murders, the cruelty, the stinginess and fornication overflowing in this country are evidence that we are anything but a Christian country.
It’s not enough to start and close meetings with a prayer.

Muckraker now turns to the argument about morality. Those who don’t want Zodwa to come say they fear she will contaminate our minds. The logic is that after watching Zodwa twirling we will suddenly have an urge to appoint her our role model.
Henceforth both men and women will go around without panties.

Teachers will have a tough time getting students to wear mini briefs.
And our youths will suddenly bunk classes to practise Zodwa’s dance movies. Churches will be emptied as people join the Zodwa ‘revolution’.
There will be demonstrations against panties. There will be a surge in divorce cases as spouses fight over panties.

Lawyers will have a tough time as they try to come up with arguments in divorce cases that involve panties.
“Your Honour, the plaintiff refused to accept my client’s right to do away with panties”.
“Your Honour, the husband wishes to tell the court that the wife is wasting money on panties.”

The point here is that Zodwa’s performance doesn’t change a thing about our morality. She is not showing off anything that adults have not seen at home and on the streets of Maseru.
As for the potential impact on the youths Muckraker thinks we underestimate those young ones. They have seen worse things than Zodwa’s plum thighs.

They are doing worse things. They know far more than you did when you were their age. You can drag them to church every Sunday, lecture them every day, lock them in the house and stop them from watching anything that is beyond PG13 but that will not change a thing.
They are watching porn on the phones. That won’t stop them from misbehaving. Our youths are wayward with or without Zodwa.

Let’s go a little deeper. The assumption is that if you are hostile to Zodwa coming to Lesotho it means you know how she dances.
In other words, there was a time when you saw her dance. Now the next logical question is where did you see her dance? Was it at a show in South Africa, on TV or on the internet? The truth is that you didn’t just bump into her performance or video.
You made a conscious effort to watch her.

So the question now is whether you closed your eyes when you saw her dance?
Did you smash your TV or phone after watching her? Did you block or unfriend the person who shared Zodwa’s video on social media?
It’s getting uncomfortable now, neh! Let’s leave it there before some people willingly add an ‘H’ to their initials. ‘H’ for hypocrite.

What is clear is that those arguing against Zodwa coming are insincere. South Africans, who have watched Zodwa perform and lived with her for years, are not walking around without panties.
The sales of panties have not dropped because Zodwa hates wearing them. There is no real link, real or contrived, between wearing parties and morality.

But the most important observation Muckraker has made in the few days is that the Zodwa issue is not about morality or any other virtue.
We are having this debate because our women are horribly insecure.
Nyoe, nyoe, nyoe, we don’t want our husbands and boyfriends watching a naked woman dancing. Nyoe, nyoe, nyoe, she will corrupt our husbands.
Let’s break down this tosh.
The first point is that you underestimate the potential of your man to be a pervert. He has a lurid imagination that makes Zodwa’s naked behind look like a silly joke.

He is a nasty little bastard with or without Zodwa.
He might not be making money by the bucket or inventing the next big thing but he is creative. She is probably lusting over the pastor’s wife. If he is a pastor he is probably winking at one of the congregants.

Second, your man is not an idiot. You don’t keep his brains in your bag. He is an adult capable of controlling his hormones.
Third, Zodwa most probably wouldn’t even want to be with your man because he is terribly stingy. Yah, all Basotho men are stingy. Yeh, I said it. Calm down sister, your man cannot afford Zodwa. He will ogle but won’t touch. Zodwa is in this for money not fun.
Fourth, your man was probably going to be attending the show with another Zodwa.

The problem is that Zodwa who lives in your village and smiles every time you meet.
You probably work with that Zodwa. That Zodwa might be in your prayer group. That Zodwa is probably your close friend. That local Zodwa has been munching your man’s money for years. Oops. No, let’s rephrase that. You are probably the Zodwa that another woman fears.
The real Zodwa was going to perform for 30 minutes and leave but the other Zodwas are permanent citizens in your village, this country and your life. They are waiting for you to get so pissed that you leave your man and they take over.

A ticket to the show was likely to cost M200 yet there are other Zodwas who cost M30 on the streets on Maseru.
Look to the right, left, up and down. If you don’t see a Zodwa around you then you should visit an optician pronto.

So if you are one of those women who don’t want Zodwa to perform in Lesotho then you are not enough. There is a short fuse in your head.
You have the brain the size of the punctuation mark at the end of this sentence. Muckraker will not apologise for those words for that is what it is: rank madness sustained by shallow reasoning and hot air.

If you are really worried about Zodwa snatching your man just chain him to the bed. Tie your dog. The other option is to dance like Zodwa in the house. The best option, though, is to just grow up.

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