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Our silly MPs



Let us not justify baloney. There is no time to mollycoddle the silly ones. The time for pep talk is over. Our MPs’ demand for a salary increase is BS, whichever way you look at it.
That is the beauty about tosh: it stubbornly insists on remaining tosh even if when you deodorise it.
A frog remains a frog even if you smear it with makeup and clad it in earrings. Our MPs don’t deserve a salary increase either today, tomorrow or decades to come. There is no point in rewarding mediocrity.

But before we hurl insults at them it is important to unpack the motive behind their demands. Oops, there is nothing to analyse because the MPs don’t have any justification for their demand.
They just want an increase because they think they deserve it. The business of defending the MPs’ demands has now fallen on Arthur Majara, a wannabe political analyst who has an opinion on almost everything from how pigs should mate to why winking is good for your health.

He was handed the platform to fight the MPs’ inane battle by Bereng Mpaki of the Lesotho Times in a story aptly headlined Ridiculous and Cruel: MPs’ salary demands slammed.
Always ready to unleash his mouth even when the mind is reluctant, Majara pooped some drivel that will continue to stink till 2020 and, possibly, beyond.
“Modest salaries for MPs and other officials lead to corruption because you cannot have the huge responsibility of overseeing the management of public funds yet you are not financially stable,” Majara gushed without much prodding.

So according to Majara there is a strong connection between corruption and low salaries. Such an assumption will not find takers even at a kindergarten.
We could cut him some slat were he being sincere in his claim that MPs are earning modest salaries. The truth is that MPs are some of the highest paid officials in Lesotho. Anyone earning a M30 000 per month salary has no right to plead poverty. Anyone who has the nerve the describe M30 000 as ‘modest’ has a morsel of manure in their head.
Bereng Mpaki seems to have forgotten to say ‘goodbye’ as soon as Majara started waffling so the political commentator changed gears.
“How do we expect someone who earns about M30 000 to take care of the nation’s M17.5 billion worth of assets,” he said without noticing the silliness of what he was suggesting.
Nowhere in the world is a salary linked to the value of the assets under management.

There is zilch connection between the GDP of a country and the salary of MPs. Anyone who wants to manufacture that link is high on something illegal.
And let’s not pretend that MPs are managing the economy. They don’t have the skills to perform that task. Most of them cannot even manage their kraals.
Majara should have zipped in the first line but his mouth was plugged to a motor powered by air. Nothing was going to stop him from running his beak. He said MPs’ salaries were last reviewed 20 years ago.

That, he reasoned, means that the MPs are due for another review. What skewed logic is this? Just because something was has not been done in a long time is not reason enough to do it.
In any case, one could also make the counter argument that if MPs were already earning more than M30 000 in 1999 it follows that they were already overpaid.
The truth is that not even the talkative Majara could come up with a solid reason to justify the salary demand. He was just clutching at straws as he is wont to do in most of his commentaries.

Muckraker will not ask why our journalists are always in a stampede to get Majara’s view on national issues because she already knows the answer. They think he is smarter because he sounds smarter than them.
A word of caution: just because someone can string a sentence in English doesn’t mean they are intelligent. Machabeng College has produced more dunderheads than Methodist High School.
But let’s get back to our greedy but lazy MPs. Granted, there is no certainty that they are asking for 100 percent. What has been established is that there was a talk of a salary increase.
Muckraker would want to know which MP has the audacity to even broach that subject. In whose VIP toilet was that MP squatting?
We have to know such things because such suggestions are only made by someone extremely constipated. If Muckraker had it her way our MPs would not earn a cent. Of course they will get allowances to buy makoenya here and there.
Let Muckraker tell you why. First, no one asked them to do the job. They are the ones who clamoured for those positions. And they said they were going to serve the people.
They must therefore take whatever salary the people have to offer or can afford and shut up.
Second, MPs are never supposed to earn hefty salaries in the first place. Theirs is a job that requires no qualification or experience. The intellectual midgets teeming in our parliament bear testimony to this. The dullest characters are in parliament.
Third, our MPs have not done anything to justify a salary review. They are busy farting on their benches.
Only a few of them know what it means to be an MP. The rest are just stooges thrust on the benches to make up the numbers.
Little wonder most of them don’t even contribute to the debates. Some do ask some silly questions but then anyone can ask those.
There is no MP who can claim to have done anything to justify a salary increase this year. Since June last year they have been bickering over trivial matters while the country is burning.
Some can claim that they passed the budget but we all know that is some ceremonial shindig.
Most of the MPs don’t even know what a budget deficit is. Only a few understand how government finances work.
The rest cannot even make a budget for their families. The average Lesotho MP cannot even spell his or her name under pressure.
Our MPs should be taking salary cuts because they are indolent. We have some of the laziest MPs in the world. Lazybones in shabby suits and stuffy outfits.

What really irritates Muckraker is that even those who came to parliament through PR lists are salivating at the prospects of an increase. Never mind that they are in parliament courtesy of a party list drawn up at some nocturnal meeting in Motimoposo.
You can be sure that when people resist their demands the MPs will concoct a battery of reasons to justify why they deserve the increase. Nyoe, nyoe, nyoe, nyoe South African MPs earn a lot more than us.
Well, no one has stopped them from being an MP in South Africa. Nyoe, nyoe, nyoe, nyoe our MPs are the lowest paid in the region.
That might be true but MPs are not part of the job market. It’s not like other countries are going to poach our MPs. The truth we don’t want to utter is that most of our MPs have failed on the job market.
They are either under-qualified or too incompetent to be allowed anywhere near an 8 to 5 job. Some are just too old to say ‘I beg to apply’.
Unwanted by the job market, they troop to Parliament where they specialise in scrambling for the warmest corner in the House. These are people who are now demanding a salary increase.

When did we agree that mediocrity is a virtue to be handsomely rewarded? Because most of the MPs are over 50 it means that they should have worked somewhere before they came to parliament.
Yet they want to tell us that they don’t have houses and cars. Holy dung! Where were they when others were buying houses and cars?
Some still talk about school fees as if there was a moratorium on making babies in their 20s and 30s.
And let’s not hear the nonsense that some of them delayed starting families because they were going to school.
It’s not our fault that they left school at 25. Salaries are not based on the employee’s needs but what the employer can afford.
Muckraker is patiently waiting for any MP to say something about the salary increase. There will be pandemonium.
Finance Minister Majoro must not even think about listening to those demands because Muckraker will spank him for months.
This is not a threat but a promise.

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Prayer for the losers



Remember to pray for Joang Molapo, Tlohelang Aumane and Khothatso Tsooana. They are all licking their wounds after being clobbered in the RFP primaries.

The people of Maputsoe were not impressed by Joang’s pretentious English accent. At least he is not bellowing like he did when he was spanked by Chessman in the BNP. Back then he cried as he packed his bags to join the AD.

Now he has to look for another home that tolerates those who speak English through the nose. Shibilishibilishibili. Muckraker wishes him well because although he is a mediocre politician, Joang is a good human being.

Aumane lost because he is a political prostitute. Yeh, I said it! And I will say it again before the cock crows thrice. Muckraker can prove that beyond reasonable doubt. The man defected from the DC to join the AD because he was promised a ministerial position. When the AD ran out of its sweetness, he jumped to the RFP.

The RFP however saw through his monkey tricks and rejected him in the primaries. Not here, the RFP people said. But Aumane is not one to spend too long in an unsatisfying political bed.

He is now rumoured to have crawled into bed with the Socialist Revolutionaries. Socialists led by a machonisa. Socialists who drive a million rand car. Phew.

Do they even know what socialism is about? Or maybe they think socialism is the same as socialising. Aumane will not ask those questions because they will interfere with his kuenalisation. He stands for nothing and believes in nothing. He is just a political opportunist. He can sell a relative for bus fare.

As for Tšooana, Muckraker can only say tough luck. He is a typical example of what happens when you run away from an apprenticeship. Clearly, Uncle Tom had not finished training him. It’s not for nothing that he was a PS.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuu!

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Mahaletere’s tongues



Did you hear the hilarious joke from that overrated one called Mahaletere? He had a rally in Mohale’s Hoek where he was speaking in tongues. He obviously learnt a few things from his papa, Bushiri. Bushiri, however, did not bother to learn proper English pronunciation from Mahaletere.

The thieving midget still calls Rands Laands, victory is victorly, malaria is maralia, Luke is Ruku and dilemma is diyirema. But this is not about Bushiri. It’s about Mahaletere’s hallucination. He said the AD will win many constituencies in Mohale’s Hoek including Mpharane as they have worked hard to campaign.

“We will win others which I know, but I should not tell you so that the candidates continue to work hard there,” he said.

He also said the AD will beat many parties to the extent that other leaders will lose their minds and have to be admitted at “Mohlomi Mental Hospital”. Muckraker does not know whether to laugh or cry. What she knows for sure is that anyone who remains in the AD needs counselling.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuu!

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The RFP’s rough play



MUCKRAKER is having the last laugh as Uncle Sam shreds the rule book of democracy with vim. There is mayhem in the RFP as those who have failed to make it to the list of Uncle Sam’s A Team throw tantrums like kids denied lipong-pong.

You could see the pain on their dejected faces at a press conference they held to moan about their treatment. Muckraker thought she saw one of them wiping a tear.

To add chillies to the wounds Uncle Sam waited until some of the candidates had won the primary elections before picking his team. It’s as if he wanted to send a crude message by making it excruciating.

What is becoming clear is that this is not about meritocracy but Uncle Sam’s whims. You don’t know whether he is using intuition or he gets the message in his dreams.

Either way, it’s a brutal method. It might as well be that he is either rolling dice.
Ke mang ea jeleng
Bohobe ba Ntate
A lala a phinya
Bosiu kaofela
Lekopo-kopo tuee!

Or maybe it’s Biblical. “The last shall be first and the first last,” Jesus says in the Gospel of Matthew. Uncle Sam must have been laughing as he watched the aspiring candidates unleashing sharp elbows on each other in the primaries.

He must have chuckled when he received the final list of the candidates from the constituencies. He then took out a red pen, kicked out his shoes and started editing the list. Moving number six to number one. Number five to number one.

Then he called the candidates to tell them what he had done before making the announcement. Muckraker hears the RFP was kind enough to hire a psychologist to help those edited out of the list to cope with the trauma. Ouch!

Those whose minds could not be repaired by the shrink were consoled by promises of some posts somewhere in the government. A government that might not be formed. It’s some special kind of therapy. You deny a person the right to represent the party after winning a primary election. When they scream you send them for counselling.

If they are still sore and sour you promise them some position in a government that you are not even guaranteed to form.

Muckraker suspects the psychologist was not there to help the candidates recover from their disappointment. Rather, it was the party’s way to evaluate why those candidates thought they could just walk from the primaries straight to the national election without being scrutinised by the leader.

What were they thinking? Who did they think they are?

They are now asking Uncle Sam to explain the criteria he used to select the candidates. That just shows why they need counselling.

Who are they to ask what an owner does with his party?

Did they really think their few dozens of votes in the primaries would matter to the leader?

One excitable fellow who won a primary election after giving his constituency M500 000 for electrification did not make it to Uncle Sam’s list.

Uncle Sam was teaching him a lesson never to use his peanuts to buy votes.

He cannot ask for a refund because the villagers delivered their end of the bargain by electing him. What happened when the results landed on Uncle Sam’s desk is not their business. It serves him right. This is a year of political lessons.

Meritocracy is being redefined. Thebe-ea-Khale is among the best minds in the RFP. Don’t laugh. This is not funny. Minds are going to be lost here. Things are rough.

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