Slay Queens and water

Slay Queens and water

MUCKRAKER’s new hobby is to visit swimming pools for some reprieve from Maseru’s sweltering heat. What makes it thrilling is that apart from immersing herself in water, she gets to observe how Slay Queens behave at the pool.

The spectacle always leaves Muckraker in stitches.
They come all weaved up and suited in new bikinis that appear to have been chosen more for being undersize and revealing than purpose. Face ashen with shabby make-up and glittering fake nails as long as a lesokoana stirring a funeral pot.
Now Villy, the villager, has come to town.

Here to stay and slay. Clutching sunglasses, sunscreen and gulping colourful cocktails whose names they can neither spell nor pronounce.
Watching a Slay Queen march to the pool, you would think she is ready to dive into the water. Here she comes. But no! Never!
She has no intention of doing that. She will sit on the pool edge, dangling her legs and making tiny splashes with her toes. Muckraker used to think this was a new fashion in Maseru until she discovered that Slay Queens cannot swim.

Figures from the Bureau of Statistics have since confirmed that 99.99 percent of Slay Queens can’t swim.
Just one slip will put her on a Honda Fit dangerously speeding on the highway to her ancestors. What makes it doubly hilarious is that while sitting on the edge, they are always on the lookout for anyone who might want to push or pull them into the pool.

Always looking over her shoulder as if she has just shoplifted at Ha Seipobi. The charade will intensify when she retreats to the pool-side chairs to deposit their very dry ‘can’t swim bodies’ and pose for selfies.
Soon, it will be time for some food which, for some inexplicable reason, is always chicken (pronounced at chikini) wings, chips and salad.

The wings will be left half-eaten because someone else is paying and she thinks it’s unsexy to eat them to the bone. As for the salad, you can bet your last coin that the olives will be left untouched.
If she tries to eat them despite vehement protests from her uncultured taste buds, she will twist her face as if she is getting an injection or someone is pinching her. One thing is certain: she will gobble the chips and wash them down with the cocktail while snapping selfies.

In between the pictures she will be checking holiday destinations like Durban, Cape Town and the Maldives. Tweeting #poolthings when she can’t swim.

It’s a miserable sight watching a Slay Queen who can’t swim but drinks like a fish. The climax is when her excited partner tries to cajole her into the pool. She will pretend that she can swim but doesn’t want to mess her hair or make-up or is just not feeling like it.

Luckily, those men who hobnob with Slay Queens are used to this pathetic lie. They know their person can drown in a bathtub. Her knees have never been under water. Basekomo for life! Kneeling for water as if you are praying. Amen! Is Muckraker making fun of Slay Queens who can’t swim? Oh yes!

But this goes beyond banter. It’s a matter of national importance. Slay Queens should just learn to swim and stop looking silly at the pools.
Swimming is a life skill. The same as mastering the art of asking for e-wallet, M-pesa, Ecocash and Instant Money from Bae. Besides, this is urgent because global climate change is unleashing floods on the world.

Muckraker swears all our Slay Queens will perish if there is a knee-height flood in Maseru. This country cannot be the same without the Slay Queens of Maseru. Muckraker has a question on a side matter unrelated to Slay Queens and Water. Does anyone know if the Feselady can swim? Send your answers to muckraker.post@gmail.com before next Friday for a chance to win a Christmas present or free swimming lessons.
Slay Queens are encouraged to enter.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuu!

muckraker.post@gmail.com

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