The Shebeen Queen

Muckraker is neither a psychologist nor a psychiatrist but she is sure that there is a short circuit in the Feselady’s head.
Even a fake sangoma will confirm this diagnosis.
Something horrible happened to her brains when she was young.

There are possible explanations for her craziness. The first is that she might have lent her brains to her ’mantloane mates to use as toys and they forgot to put them back properly.
Kids are messy. Some little girl must have cooked those brains in an empty Koo tin.

A naughty boy might have peed on those brains before the Feselady took them home. In short, kids played with her brains.
It could be that the Feselady was dropped on her head when she was a toddler. It is possible that she was given a sejeso in her sleep. Recent events have however shown that her tomfoolery cannot be blamed on a single mishap in childhood.

The Feselady’s shenanigans are a result of many things, some of which we might never know. That is the only plausible explanation for the madness she has exhibited in the past three years. The woman is unhinged. She is nuts. A crackpot.

Not even a few weeks in jail could stop her monkey business. Instead of using her few weeks in remand prison to repent and reform the Feselady quickly became a Shebeen Queen.
Within days the woman weaved together an elaborate scheme to get stoned behind bars. Her friend was sneaking alcohol to her and she was generously sharing it with the inmates who had a blast.

While lawyers were calling her a model citizen incapable of hurting a fly the Feselady was getting high on bootleg alcohol.
That she had the time to think of ways to be a Tjontjobina Queen confirms that she didn’t give a hoot about Uncle Tom, the same man she claimed was critically ill and miserable without her. A wife of a gravely ill man doesn’t get slouched.

Only the Feselady is capable of such tosh. It has now been proven beyond reasonable doubt that the Feselady is an unrepentant scoundrel. That she is a special breed has always been obvious. We just didn’t expect that she would put up such a splendid show of ridiculousness. Some have blamedit all on the Feselady’s lack of education.

That is utter BS. Muckraker’s mother in Mafube who left school in first grade is an outstanding woman. Most people who have little or no education are good citizens. So let’s leave school out of it.
Not even a PhD would have transformed her.
The fake doctorate from some bare-bone college made her worse.

The information about the Feselady’s mischief in prison has been coming in dribs and drabs but Muckraker’s imagination has been in overdrive.
The drama must have started when the inmates heard that the Feselady was going to be their guest of honour.

She made a grand entry in her Louis Vuitton tracksuit and a fur coat, as if she was accompanying Uncle Tom to a public event.
The inmates were in awe as she pranced around the cell to look for a warm corner to deposit her yellow bones.

She then evicted one of the inmates from the corner she wanted.
When the inmate hesitated the Feselady unleashed her Louis Vuitton sneaker on her neck. As the poor inmate scurried across the cell the Feselady ordered others to spread her blankets in the corner.
Then she waited for her terror to sink in before introducing herself.
“Hello! I am the one and only Feselady. The fire eater. I spit flames. They call me Liabolosi,” she said.
“E ‘me,” the inmates said in unison.
She had instantly stamped her authority in the little cell.

Within a few hours she was barking orders and rearranging the order in the cell. She ordered some inmates to be her maids and others to be her friends.
One inmate got a thundering slap when she announced that she can pretend to be Nteboheleng Ralekuku, the Feselady’s best friend.
“Ntebo is too special to be imitated,” she said.

Another was kicked for asking the Feselady to introduce her to the Famo gangsters.
“Those men are mine alone,” the Feselady said.
A little bird tells Muckraker that even some prison guards were her janitors. That could explain how she kept the alcohol flowing into her cell.
The inmates who submitted to her authority were rewarded with sips of alcohol and crumbs of the scrumptious meals delivered by her friends.

This story is largely imaginary but it cannot be far off the mark.
We saw how she spanked ministers and senior government officials. We recall the monstrous parties she hosted. We are aware of how she surrounded herself with brownnosers who would do her bidding.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuu!

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