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The shouting madam from the US

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Anyone with a modicum of exposure will admit that Maseru is a boring little place.
The restaurants are shoddy and the bars rowdy. Parks have been invaded by rascals bereft of any decency. Those yellow-bellied jalopies make walks treacherous. Our politics is predictably shallow.
A cesspool teeming with freeloading maggots. That is probably why US Ambassador Rebecca Gonzales has invented a new hobby. It’s called the Bellowing Game. Every month she has to find something for which to chastise the Lesotho government. And she is spoilt for choice when it comes to things to bellow about.

Our government specialises in bungling. It has to be constantly reminded to do the right thing. Left to its own devices, it is capable of spectacularly stupid things. Always pushing the frontiers of mediocrity.
Forever searching for new gaffes. So, madam Gonzales has her hands full as she battles to spank our government into line. She is like a rookie teacher in charge of a kindergarten class.

Hey, stop it! Don’t do that! Uena, Moeketsi watch your mouth! Mothibeli, get off the window now! Don’t pee on your toys. Stop pinching each other.
When her shrieking doesn’t work, she resorts to threats. Blah, blah, AGOA is under threat. Behave yourself or we will not renew the MCC. Nyoe, nyoe, we built hospitals for you. We gave you the road in Thamae. Your country will be a shanty town without our roads. All of which is not completely unreasonable noise.

Indeed, Lesotho has to sort out its mess and play by the rules if it wants to enjoy the US’s benevolence. The only trouble is that Gonzales has turned her shrieking into a hobby and is taking it too seriously.
And she has ample enablers ready to give her space to ramble on about obvious things. She is behaving like a big fish in a small pond. Were Gonzales in any other country that matters, she would have been summoned and told to watch her mouth. Her colleagues in proper countries don’t just run their mouths as she does.

She can do it here because we are a country that likes hand-outs. We are so passionate about free things that we call ‘donors’ ‘development partners’.
He who feeds you controls you. Our government cannot raise a finger to protest because Madam Gonzales will report us to her bosses and they will close the taps.
So, Mr Softie and his government have to meekly swallow whatever the madam says. Hearing her speak, you would think AGOA has created the best jobs in the world. The madam will not be visiting any of those AGOA sweatshops because she knows they are hell holes.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuu!

muckraker.post@gmail.com

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Prayer for the losers

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Remember to pray for Joang Molapo, Tlohelang Aumane and Khothatso Tsooana. They are all licking their wounds after being clobbered in the RFP primaries.

The people of Maputsoe were not impressed by Joang’s pretentious English accent. At least he is not bellowing like he did when he was spanked by Chessman in the BNP. Back then he cried as he packed his bags to join the AD.

Now he has to look for another home that tolerates those who speak English through the nose. Shibilishibilishibili. Muckraker wishes him well because although he is a mediocre politician, Joang is a good human being.

Aumane lost because he is a political prostitute. Yeh, I said it! And I will say it again before the cock crows thrice. Muckraker can prove that beyond reasonable doubt. The man defected from the DC to join the AD because he was promised a ministerial position. When the AD ran out of its sweetness, he jumped to the RFP.

The RFP however saw through his monkey tricks and rejected him in the primaries. Not here, the RFP people said. But Aumane is not one to spend too long in an unsatisfying political bed.

He is now rumoured to have crawled into bed with the Socialist Revolutionaries. Socialists led by a machonisa. Socialists who drive a million rand car. Phew.

Do they even know what socialism is about? Or maybe they think socialism is the same as socialising. Aumane will not ask those questions because they will interfere with his kuenalisation. He stands for nothing and believes in nothing. He is just a political opportunist. He can sell a relative for bus fare.

As for Tšooana, Muckraker can only say tough luck. He is a typical example of what happens when you run away from an apprenticeship. Clearly, Uncle Tom had not finished training him. It’s not for nothing that he was a PS.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuu!

muckraker.post@gmail.com

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Mahaletere’s tongues

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Did you hear the hilarious joke from that overrated one called Mahaletere? He had a rally in Mohale’s Hoek where he was speaking in tongues. He obviously learnt a few things from his papa, Bushiri. Bushiri, however, did not bother to learn proper English pronunciation from Mahaletere.

The thieving midget still calls Rands Laands, victory is victorly, malaria is maralia, Luke is Ruku and dilemma is diyirema. But this is not about Bushiri. It’s about Mahaletere’s hallucination. He said the AD will win many constituencies in Mohale’s Hoek including Mpharane as they have worked hard to campaign.

“We will win others which I know, but I should not tell you so that the candidates continue to work hard there,” he said.

He also said the AD will beat many parties to the extent that other leaders will lose their minds and have to be admitted at “Mohlomi Mental Hospital”. Muckraker does not know whether to laugh or cry. What she knows for sure is that anyone who remains in the AD needs counselling.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuu!

muckraker.post@gmail.com

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The RFP’s rough play

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MUCKRAKER is having the last laugh as Uncle Sam shreds the rule book of democracy with vim. There is mayhem in the RFP as those who have failed to make it to the list of Uncle Sam’s A Team throw tantrums like kids denied lipong-pong.

You could see the pain on their dejected faces at a press conference they held to moan about their treatment. Muckraker thought she saw one of them wiping a tear.

To add chillies to the wounds Uncle Sam waited until some of the candidates had won the primary elections before picking his team. It’s as if he wanted to send a crude message by making it excruciating.

What is becoming clear is that this is not about meritocracy but Uncle Sam’s whims. You don’t know whether he is using intuition or he gets the message in his dreams.

Either way, it’s a brutal method. It might as well be that he is either rolling dice.
Ke mang ea jeleng
Bohobe ba Ntate
A lala a phinya
Bosiu kaofela
Lekopo-kopo tuee!

Or maybe it’s Biblical. “The last shall be first and the first last,” Jesus says in the Gospel of Matthew. Uncle Sam must have been laughing as he watched the aspiring candidates unleashing sharp elbows on each other in the primaries.

He must have chuckled when he received the final list of the candidates from the constituencies. He then took out a red pen, kicked out his shoes and started editing the list. Moving number six to number one. Number five to number one.

Then he called the candidates to tell them what he had done before making the announcement. Muckraker hears the RFP was kind enough to hire a psychologist to help those edited out of the list to cope with the trauma. Ouch!

Those whose minds could not be repaired by the shrink were consoled by promises of some posts somewhere in the government. A government that might not be formed. It’s some special kind of therapy. You deny a person the right to represent the party after winning a primary election. When they scream you send them for counselling.

If they are still sore and sour you promise them some position in a government that you are not even guaranteed to form.

Muckraker suspects the psychologist was not there to help the candidates recover from their disappointment. Rather, it was the party’s way to evaluate why those candidates thought they could just walk from the primaries straight to the national election without being scrutinised by the leader.

What were they thinking? Who did they think they are?

They are now asking Uncle Sam to explain the criteria he used to select the candidates. That just shows why they need counselling.

Who are they to ask what an owner does with his party?

Did they really think their few dozens of votes in the primaries would matter to the leader?

One excitable fellow who won a primary election after giving his constituency M500 000 for electrification did not make it to Uncle Sam’s list.

Uncle Sam was teaching him a lesson never to use his peanuts to buy votes.

He cannot ask for a refund because the villagers delivered their end of the bargain by electing him. What happened when the results landed on Uncle Sam’s desk is not their business. It serves him right. This is a year of political lessons.

Meritocracy is being redefined. Thebe-ea-Khale is among the best minds in the RFP. Don’t laugh. This is not funny. Minds are going to be lost here. Things are rough.

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