Ululating for thieves

Ululating for thieves

AS we are marooned in our homes we face unique problems. Relatives and friends are foisting on us the drivel from their pastors and prophets.
Muckraker is about to lose her patience with such people who insist on forwarding infuriating and inane videos from their ‘spiritual fathers’ or whatever high sounding name they call them.
Most of the purveyors of these offending videos are close friends and relatives who should know better.

They use your attachment and familiarity to bait you into dabbling in their delusion. You open their messages because you suspect they want to say something urgent.
Then boom! Some midget calling himself a prophet comes out, spewing gibberish and conning people. By the time you see the ruse you realise the little thieving one has gobbled your data and spoiled your mood.  
Watch him a little longer and the pickpocket will hurt both your intelligence and ears. He is brazen in his attempt to separate you from your money.
He speaks as if he has just come from a breakfast with God.

The nerve of it all is staggering. In a recent video, which Muckraker watched for the purposes of this article and not any curiosity, shows the stout chap on a rampage.

He claims to be printing proofs of payment from people who have wired their tithes and contributions.
On the table is a printer spitting what he claims to be proofs from those who have already paid. There is also a huge pile of papers as if to indicate that he has been receiving the proofs for hours.

The scam is assisted by the fact that height is not one of his attributes.
So when you see the pile of proofs reaching his forehead you get the impression that millions have heeded his deceitful call.
Then there is also the lying chap from Nigeria. That prophet, who is the headmaster of false prophets, has been battling to untangle the web of his lies.

Some weeks ago he said by March 27 the virus would have gone back where it came from.
Now we are more than a week past his deadline and the virus is wreaking havoc.

Since then he has been trying to cook up new stories to undo his fabrications. He says the virus is no longer in China where it started. He makes this claim with a straight face devoid of any shame.
Of course his zealots are furiously pelting boulders at those questioning their beloved papa. The problem is not the papas but their blind followers.

You have to be a confirmed dimwit to believe their deceptions.
The lesson from the Covid-19 crisis and the lockdown is that those papas are overrated.
Keep your money because you will need it. Use your precious data to educate yourself about the disease, not to watch some lying midget whose only interest is to deplete your already miserable bank account.
In a few weeks the prophet will be telling you that he didn’t mean the March 27 of 2020. He will probably say he was talking about a spiritual March 27. You need a spiritual mind to understand what he meant, he will say.

When that doesn’t work he will say all those calling him a mendacious rascal are insulting “the man of God”. Touch not the anointed, his supporters will say.

And the matter will be settled with you poorer than you were a few days ago and him richer. Don’t you ever think the midget from Malawi will send you a mask or motoho in this lockdown.

Your money is now his to chow with his family while you squirm in poverty waiting for him to intercede on your behalf to God. His video shows that he is hiding in some wooden cabin very far from your hovel in Thamae. For fear of catching the virus, he won’t be coming out until June

You are however gallivanting the streets claiming to be protected by his prayers.  
You are down to your last penny but are still ululating for a thief.
Muckraker knows that this will offend some zealots who will kill for their papas.

That is the point. A little irritation will not hurt them. They have been forwarding nonsense on Facebook and Whatsapp for weeks. If this bothers them then we are square.
This lockdown has opened a window for the politicians plotting to topple Uncle Tom.
Some of his most loyal cadres have been violating the lockdown rules to attend meetings whose staple is to kick him out of office. Now he is desperately lashing out.

He has fired ministers, including one who used to shriek in his defence.
He has ordered the police and the army to clobber those conniving to upend his government. They are sabotaging and destabilising the government, he claims.

All of which is nothing but the last kicks of a dying horse.
Muckraker wonders why the master of political scheming is now screaming when others plot against him. His anger is overdone. There is nothing wrong with scheming as long the motive is not criminal.
Uncle Tom has lasted more than 50 years in government through conniving.  

People are scheming every day. If conniving to do something was illegal Uncle Tom and the Feselady would have been jailed.
Hold it right there before your wild imagination leads you astray. Muckraker is not talking of the kind of scheming you are pondering. She is talking about their relationship which started when they were both married. They plotted to start their hanky-panky.

None of their spouses knew about their naked betrayal. And they continued for years until circumstances allowed them to officially marry. Muckraker will not say a word about the circumstances.  
That was plotting and connivance at its best.
Uncle Tom is furious because he was beaten to a game he thought he had mastered. The Old Timer had been two-timed and just cannot swallow his humbling defeat.

That is why he is now threatening his opponents with the guns and prosecution.
But that will not work because he has already alienated the police. He is squabbling with the police boss. The general doesn’t appear to take him seriously and he is not the type to be influenced.  
In any case, the police will be hard pressed to find something criminal about those meetings. His threats are therefore a fart to be blown away by the wind.
It appears that only Uncle Tom doesn’t know that he is an outgoing prime minister who has lost control of both the government and his party. His supporters loathe him with passion. The opposition is smelling blood and has gone for the kill.
He is already under the bus but he thinks he is the driver. The joke is on him and the scared nurses surrounding him.
Those who had the privilege of growing up with their grandparents know what happens when age overwhelms a person.
Muckraker and her cousins used to run rings around her grandpa. The good old man however had the wisdom to relinquish some of this power to the young Turks. He was rewarded with good care and respect.
Uncle Tom is refusing to follow that route and the young ones are embarrassing him.
So far he is ten steps behind them and they are laughing all the way to power.
Muckraker leaves you with a tale she pinched from a Whatsapp group. It goes like this.
The government announced that families with five kids will receive R5 000 per week to help them during the lockdown. 
A man heard the news and told his wife, “I have a kid with another woman so will bring him so we can add him to our four kids.”
The wife agreed and the husband went to fetch his child. When he returned he found that only one of his kids was at home.

He asked his wife: “Where are my other three children?”
The wife replied: “You are not the only one who heard the news. Their fathers came for them”.
Only laughter will keep you sane in this lockdown.
Stay home.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuu!


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