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Unpolished police



Some cows were grazing in a veld in Koro-Koro when they saw a group of goats running. “What are you running away from?” a cow asked one of the galloping goats.

“The Lesotho Mounted Police Service is arresting dogs,” said one goat.

“But you are not dogs, so why are you running away?” the cow asked.

“Heela, this is Lesotho! Once arrested it will take you five years to prove that you are not a dog,” said the goat.

The cows started running away as well.

In no time, the bulls were sprinting ahead of the goats. Shocked by their speed, the goats asked why the bulls were running so fast as if they knew something about the police.

“We have heard that they will crush your balls during torture,” one bull replied.

And so the goats ran even faster.

As fate would have it, the police caught one bull and tortured him to confess that he was the dog that stole meat from the chief’s house. Nothing could convince them that the bull was not a dog.

When the bull argued that there is no dog as big as him, the police accused him of being a fattened dog that belongs to a white man.

From there on they started calling the bull “ntja ea lekhooa” as they tortured him.

When the bull pointed out that he had horns, the police said they were borrowed.

The police then leaked the story to that Phutsalatso radio station, owned by that Rastaman who eats meat, to report that they caught a fat thieving dog wearing horns. And in no time the story reached all corners of Lesotho.

When the police heard the story on the radio, they were convinced beyond reasonable doubt that the bull was the dog that stole the meat. After all, even the media was confirming it. At some point, even the bull was convinced that it was not only a dog but a fat dog that steals meat.

This is not a story about a bull that became a dog that was a thief of meat.

It’s about our police. Try this at home. Walk into a police station and confess that you have committed a crime. The police will chase you out. Why?

Because they would not have investigated your crime. By ‘investigation’ they mean torturing and mining you for a confession.

Our police are like the Zama-Zamas when it comes to mining confessions out of people. There was a time when parents used to tell their children to find a police officer if they got lost in Maseru.

Now parents tell their children to avoid police officers. Why? Because the police officer will demand a bribe to show you directions. If you don’t have money the police will torture you until you confess that you kidnapped yourself from your parents.

Keep denying the allegation of being a kidnapper and the police will accuse you of being a baboon that has strayed into Maseru.

If your parents come to the station to claim you, they will be accused of trying to steal a baboon that is now state property.

They will be tortured until they confess that they contravened the Protection of Flora and Fauna regulations by keeping a baboon in their house without a licence.

And they will never be allowed to take you home unless you pay a bribe.

That is the story of our esteemed police force and their legendary investigative skills.

Ask Tšeliso Mokhosi, Advocate Napo Mafaesa or anyone who has been arrested by the police if you think Muckraker is telling tall tales.

So how do you avoid being tortured for days?

It’s simple. You walk into the police station, deny their allegation for a few hours, get tortured a bit and start singing.

They will take you to the DPP who will gallop across town to the courts, waving the confession.

You hire yourself some Phafane who will use a phafa to whip the DPP and the police in court. You then tell the judge that the confession the DPP is clutching was either concocted or mined out of you through torture.

The DPP will pretend to be shocked as the judge acquits you through a process that legal experts are now calling Phafaning.

The judge will say something about God punishing the real criminal but you don’t give a rat’s behind because you are home free.

Whether you committed the crime or not is between you and your God or your ancestors. Ask Moramotse.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuu!

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Tau’s gambling



Selekenyane Tau, the businessman who pumped M373 127 of his money to electrify houses in his Thaba-Phechela constituency, is a special man. Not because he is generous.

That was not charity. Not because he is brave. That was anything but bravery. He is special because he appears to have a very expensive gambling problem.

Now that he has lost the primaries, we should be serious about getting him checked.

He is now throwing tantrums and accusing Uncle Sam of betraying him by supporting his rival in the primaries. Sing him a lullaby if you can.

Tau got 80 votes in the primaries (keep that number in mind for it will become crucial in the next 83 words). Teboho Mokhethi, the man who defeated him, got 111 votes.

Some are saying he is Father Christmas.

There are those saying this shows that people are ungrateful. They are wrong.

It shows that people are smart enough to see through a naked vote-buying ploy.

The first real lesson here is that gambling is dangerous. The second is that the villagers in Lesotho understand politics better than those who want to lead them. Third, most RFP elites understand politics like ten-year-olds. Some are no better than toddlers.

The fourth and most important lesson is that you should know the nature of a business before investing. Let’s bring back Tau’s 80 votes that Tau bought for a staggering M373 127.

In other words, he bought each of the primary votes for M4 664. Of course, he was giving that money to whole villages but the point remains the same.

He gave out M373 127 and got M4 664 in return. He would not have made that investment if it wasn’t for his political ambition. He went for broke and was broken. Muckraker will not laugh at the man because something good has come out of his naivety. Lesotho needs more such gullible politicians.

Look, now the people of Thaba-Phechela will be getting electricity.

You would think Tau would throw in the towel and cut his losses. But he is a determined man. He has now joined the AD because he says the people have told him that they love him.

It’s the same people he gave M373 127 after they told him that they love him.

He sure doesn’t know that the villagers are cunning. They might not know anything about the war in Ukraine or anything about Boris Johnson but they understand when and how to make aspiring politicians open their wallets.

The people of Thaba-Phechela are laughing their hearts out as they separate a man from his money without breaking a sweat. Bring the money Tau. Just bring it. They will vote for you.

Kikiikikikiikkiikikiikii. Hahahahahahahahahaha. He is a gift from the ancestors.


Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuu!

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Unreformable and unrepentant



IT is a notorious fact that our MPs are some of the laziest in the world. They sleep in parliament like their lives depend on it. As if those who don’t sleep will not get their salaries.

There are some MPs who never uttered a word in the last parliament.

You only hear their voices when they say “Amen” after prayers or when they say “I” to vote for things beyond the grasp of their shallow and empty minds. But if you want our MPs to pay attention you just have to threaten their bread. Their eyes shine like Apollo lights and ears open like Maseru’s potholes.

The recent reforms have just done that. It is not a secret that our politicians don’t like the reforms because they threaten their pastures. They come with drastic changes that make it impossible to dish out jobs to cronies and abuse state power.

The reforms clip the prime minister’s wings, making it tough for them to fire PS’ as if they are herdboys. They leave no room for pathetic losers to sneak into parliament with paltry votes.

This explains why the reforms have been frustrated.

Any politician who claims to wholeheartedly support the reforms is lying through the teeth. They can tell that gobbledygook to a mountain.

They will not announce their loathing for the reforms because that would make them look like saboteurs.

Lesotho’s politicians are generally unafraid to pull the middle finger on the people. They take us for granted. But the United States, SADC, EU and AU put the fear of God in them.

You can hear from their fawning statements at the meetings that they are more scared of the international community than their own people.

So instead of bellowing and railing against the reforms they would rather cook up some legal argument to block them. That is why some of them are now arguing that using the state of emergency power to recall parliament to pass the reforms will be a gross violation of the constitution.

Even some certified buffoons that cannot tell a clause from a section are now constitutional law experts. Those who cannot even spell their names under pressure are going through the constitution with a fine comb to find ways to block attempts to recall parliament.

They might be right but their newly found passion to defend the constitution is hypocritical and self-serving.

Every day the constitutional rights of the people of this country are violated while the same politicians remain mum and stand at akimbo. You don’t hear them screaming their lungs out when the police beat, torture and kill suspects.

They go on voicemail when thousands of Basotho go hungry.

Not a word from them when our children are denied education, a basic human right, because schools are either too far from their homes or their parents cannot afford them.

Very few of them had something to say when the NUL student was robbed of his right to life by the callous and trigger-happy police.

None of them raise a finger when hundreds of our people are killed by criminals. They shut up when suspects are denied the right to justice because of our dysfunctional courts.

The point is that the constitution of this country has been repeatedly and brazenly violated that it’s not worth the paper on which it is printed.


It has been shredded and peed on by the same politicians who are now claiming to be protecting it from those who want to violate it to get the reforms passed.
Nyoe, nyoe, nyoe the constitution is sacrosanct.

Blah, blah, blah, there is no state of emergency. Yeh right! But you have defecated on the same constitution with impunity. Cut the BS, recall parliament and pass the damn reforms.

It’s the least you can do to redeem your tattered reputation of fighting and sleeping in parliament.


Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuu!

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Prayer for the losers



Remember to pray for Joang Molapo, Tlohelang Aumane and Khothatso Tsooana. They are all licking their wounds after being clobbered in the RFP primaries.

The people of Maputsoe were not impressed by Joang’s pretentious English accent. At least he is not bellowing like he did when he was spanked by Chessman in the BNP. Back then he cried as he packed his bags to join the AD.

Now he has to look for another home that tolerates those who speak English through the nose. Shibilishibilishibili. Muckraker wishes him well because although he is a mediocre politician, Joang is a good human being.

Aumane lost because he is a political prostitute. Yeh, I said it! And I will say it again before the cock crows thrice. Muckraker can prove that beyond reasonable doubt. The man defected from the DC to join the AD because he was promised a ministerial position. When the AD ran out of its sweetness, he jumped to the RFP.

The RFP however saw through his monkey tricks and rejected him in the primaries. Not here, the RFP people said. But Aumane is not one to spend too long in an unsatisfying political bed.

He is now rumoured to have crawled into bed with the Socialist Revolutionaries. Socialists led by a machonisa. Socialists who drive a million rand car. Phew.

Do they even know what socialism is about? Or maybe they think socialism is the same as socialising. Aumane will not ask those questions because they will interfere with his kuenalisation. He stands for nothing and believes in nothing. He is just a political opportunist. He can sell a relative for bus fare.

As for Tšooana, Muckraker can only say tough luck. He is a typical example of what happens when you run away from an apprenticeship. Clearly, Uncle Tom had not finished training him. It’s not for nothing that he was a PS.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuu!

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