A young man dies and goes to hell. At the gate a guard tells him he can choose from several kinds of hell. And so he runs to a Germany hell where there is a small queue. The chief there tells him how things work.
“Here we give you 100 lashes, nail you to a wall for two days, make you eat 10kg of papa in an hour and force you to drink four gallons of beer in five minutes,” the chief says.
The young man is terrified and turns back. He tries the American and British hells but it’s the same story of nails, lashes, mountains of papa and beer.
But just as he is about to give up he arrives at a Lesotho hell where there is a long queue of excited people.
“Why are there many people here?” he asks an old man at the back of the queue.
The old man takes him aside and whispers.
“Here they give you 100 lashes, nail you for a wall for two days, make you eat 10kg of papa in an hour and force you to drink four gallons of beer in five minutes,” says the old man.
“So why are there so many people when the conditions are as terrible as those at the other hells?” he asks.
“Well, the government here owes the company that supplies the nails so there is no much nailing happening. They have just paid a new supplier but not a single nail has been delivered in five years. They do have the whips but the person hired to do the beating once worked at the Covid 19 Command Centre so he is too lazy to beat anyone.”
“And even when he does beat he is so fat that he can barely swing two lashes. He has been sleeping for several days now,” the old man says.
“How about this bit about papa?” the boy asks.
“Mmmmm, they cannot afford that. All the food was swallowed at the Command Centre. A small plate is all they can manage now”.
“And where are the leaders of this hell?”
“Ah, we don’t have leaders here. They are in their own special hell somewhere very far from here. They are being punished for their incompetence and looting during the Covid 19 crisis of 2020.”
The young man is about to ask about the beer part of the punishment but the old man interjects.
“Don’t even ask me about that one because it hurts me dearly. They say some guy who was a police minister in Lesotho intercepted our supply and drank it all.”
“Please don’t ask me about the president of this hell because he was captured by some Chinese thugs on his way here. Rumour has it that he is there with his excitable wife who used to be a motor-mouth wife but has since been silent for years because he cannot speak Mandarin.”
The young man sighs and joins the queue.
Muckraker doesn’t believe in a hell of fire but hopes you get the drift.
Our hell is here and now in this country that is the nasty ulcer in South Africa’s belly.
If at all there is hell somewhere then it should be reserved for our politicians who have turned on their people and are working overtime to make their lives miserable.
The sin of sins is locking up people in their houses, refusing to feed them, unleashing soldiers on them and eating their food.
Our politicians have done all that and much more to us.
Forget the “thou shall not judge” cliché. These are facts.
There are consequences to every action. Karma is a bitch. As Muckraker writes this, some of the rascals are about to pay for their sins.
In a few weeks they will be jobless, common Basotho men and women like us.
If this lockdown continues they too will be locked in their houses, with no excuse to sneak to the Command Centre for free food.
Muckraker hopes Dr Moeketsi Majoro fires every minister when he replaces Uncle Tom.
First to get the thundering boot should be the bootlicking nurses around Uncle Tom.
Kick them everywhere, including their blabbing mouths and behinds.
Majoro should close the Command Centre and demand an audit.
After all, those at the Command Centre of Feasting have already admitted to be playing all along. That much is clear from the report at the command centre.
“The NECC is frustrated in executing its mandate because it does not have the decision-making powers in especially to direct resources (personnel, health materials and financial resources,” said the report.
Remember the report was written by a group of people who have been eating M620 worth of meals per day for the past two months.
Bearded men and breasted women have been reporting for duty but were not aware that they are just a secretariat pushing papers and stuffing their mouths with food.
It is clear that they have vented their frustrations on free food.
It is only now that they are realising that food can also be a punishment. Too much of everything is not good.
This granary is not going to be empty anytime soon.
And by now the quality of the food must have deteriorated. The amounts remain the same but the caterers have discovered that they are feeding a bunch of ungrateful people.
Much of the food is leaving the centre in takeaway packs anyway. Why make it scrumptious when the point is to load rotund tummies?
Junk or tosh, the gourmands at the centre will eat and the caterers will still get paid.
It was only a matter of time before someone at the centre starts worrying about how this shindig would damage their reputation.
Some people there are now admitting that they have been doing nothing apart from eating.
The confessions are coming thick and fast.
That much is clear in the Command Centre’s report that says “The National Response to Covid-19 continues to be uncoordinated. The focus and authority of government is needed”.
So there you have it: the Command Centre has neither focus nor authority.
Makes you wonder why it took them two months to discover this obvious fact.
Phew! Perhaps their brains were overwhelmed by the copious amounts of food they consume.
Its quiz time again.
What do you call someone who pretends to be working at the Command Centre but spends hours eating and gossiping?
A Covidevil. Let’s use it in sentences.
“My cousin has been hired as a Covidevil at the Command Centre.”
“If you keep eating like that you will soon be as fat as a Covidevil.”
“My nyatsi has won a tender to feed Covidevils”.
Let them take korobela
Nqosa Mahao has pulled a fast one on his opposition comrades to join Uncle Sam’s government. Muckraker suspected the bromance among the opposition leaders would end in tears but never expected Mahao to do the betraying. The lesson is that there is no honour among politicians and everyone has a price. The BAP’s price is two cabinet seats and some morsels to be flung its way here and there.
The opposition is furious at Mahao for stringing them along for three weeks while Uncle Sam whispered sweet little things in his ears.
They say Mahao attended their nocturnal meetings to plot Uncle Sam’s demise but was busy with a plan to get himself a mok’huk’hu in the government.
Their screams of anger are hypocritical. They too would have been charmed for the right price. Mahao just happened to have yielded earlier than them. None of them can claim that they were not approached by the RFP or its dealmakers.
No one could claim that they refused the RFP’s marriage proposal because they differed on ideology and principle. The only sticking issue was what was offered and what they thought their support was worthy. So let’s bin the hypocrisy and confirm that some of them overreached and overestimated their value by holding out for more spoils. It’s not their business if Mahao sold himself too cheap.
He was smart enough to understand that the market of political support was already flooded. That is being pragmatic.
In the end, it was a simple matter of demand and supply. Uncle Sam played the game well by lodging a scarecrow of a court case to delay the vote of no confidence to buy himself time. That blindsided the opposition leaders and allowed Uncle Sam to counterattack.
So while Lehata was laughing like a hyena in parliament and the opposition congregated at the BNP Centre for drinks Uncle Sam was cooking some delicious dish across town. It was only a matter of time before the aroma reached the politicians’ noses.
So while they were claiming to be united most of them were busy receiving calls to hear what was on the menu. It was a buffet of embassies and cabinet seats. The desserts were deputy minister positions and some small jobs for hungry supporters. The only problem with some of the opposition leaders was that they wanted to eat the whole buffet, including Uncle Sam’s portion.
Meanwhile, Uncle Sam was busy gauging what was enough to satiate the hungriest among the opposition leaders. In the end, he knew he didn’t have to part with much to get the deal and the numbers he wanted. Some politicians are saying Mahao could have asked for more because Uncle Sam was desperate and cornered. Not true!
Your tomatoes do not cost more simply because you worked hard to produce them or you think they are special. It’s the market that decides.
To get more for them you should get the timing right. The same applies to political support. Uncle Sam knew the market of political support would be oversupplied if he waited a few days before buying.
By the time he came to the market the available political support was about to rot and everyone was willing to sell at a huge discount. This is common sense but some opposition leaders want to pretend Mahao ambushed them by selling fast.
Muckraker suggests that next time they plot against Uncle Sam, the opposition leaders should visit a sangoma to give them all a huge dose of korobela so that none is tempted to find another lover. The best love portion comes from the North of us. Mwa, mwa, mwa!
How to share a stolen goat
Those who think Uncle Sam is now safe from the barbarians at the gates are naïve. Mahao’s defection is a temporary setback from which the opposition leaders are plotting to recover.
They are coming because Uncle Sam is holding something they cannot live without: power.
And they will not rest until they get it. Those who believe this fight is based on principle and ideology are unmitigated dimwits. Their claim that Uncle Sam’s government has failed is just a cover to justify their plot. They know they would not do a better job.
Everyone knows that because they have seen their epic bungling when they had a chance to rule.
The notoriety of their thievery, corruption, deliberate mismanagement and nepotism precedes them. They say Uncle Sam has failed to implement his party’s campaign promises but forget that some of them failed several times. If this was about ideology and principle it would reflect in the negotiations for coalitions. In countries where politicians still have morsels of self-respect and specks of shame, such negotiations would be dominated by ideological and policy considerations.
Political parties try to find some common ground on fundamental issues like the economy, education, climate change, trade and foreign policy.
Our rascals here talk about ministerial and diplomatic positions as if they are sharing a stolen goat; I want the head, give me likahare.
My ancestors said I should always eat the testicles. Give me the liver, I don’t have teeth. The heart is my favourite. In a way, our government is like a stolen goat being shared by thieves. Ba ja maleo.
It’s a fat goat stolen from Basotho. The politicians will eat it and not leave even the skin for Basotho to make a mat to lay on when hungry. The thieves are eating while the people watch.
Yet we people never tire to give the politicians the permission to rob and pee on them.
It’s tempting to say we deserve it but no one, not even the Devil, deserves the politicians we have in this country. Some say there is hell somewhere. Muckraker says we are already in a hell of some sort created by our politicians. We are being roasted slowly by politicians and they will never stop.
Does that make you feel depressed and hopeless? Well, you are not alone. There are worse places on this earth. Does that mean we should accept tosh because there is worse tosh in other places?
Well, it’s your choice.
Muckraker wishes you a wet weekend. Let’s hope Uncle Sam throws us a party to celebrate his great escape. You marched for him, didn’t you?
A beer is what you deserve for sweating from Maseru Mall to parliament.
Give Lehata a Bell’s
Mootsi Lehata behaved like a clown in parliament last week. Laughing like he was in a shebeen. Spewing insults as if someone had stolen his goats. He even used the ‘F’ word on Lejone Mpotjoane.
“Moshanyana enoa a se ke a ntella. Se ke oa ntella sonny, f**k you,” he said in response to Mpotjoane. Muckraker doesn’t know Mpotjoane to be a moshanyana. What she knows is what Lehata did to a ngoanana a few years ago.
The girl dropped the rape case on the condition that Lehata builds her a house and pays for the child’s upkeep. So ke eena ea tellang molao. Some might say it’s water under the bridge but Muckraker doesn’t forgive. Never!
For now, we should talk about his monkeyshines in parliament. He looked high on something. Lehata can however deny it. He can say he was shaking because he had spent sleepless nights plotting to topple Uncle Sam. He can claim he was shaking with excitement at the prospect of becoming a minister again. If that doesn’t cut it he can say wasn’t drunk but just suffering from a hangover.
That might work because he could say those who say he was drunk on that Monday should have seen him on Sunday. He could claim he was still suffering the effects of knocking down several bottles taller than him.
But whatever happens, no one can prove that he was high.
Yes, a test could have revealed that he had blood in his alcohol but that is now beside the point because it didn’t happen. In any case, Muckraker has seen worse things in parliament. Remember how some MPs spanked each other a few years ago?
Chairs and bins were given wings. An MP was once captured on camera groping another.
As for insults, worse things have been said. Some of the MPs don’t need to be insulted to feel humiliated. Imagine how it feels to be an LCD MP.
You see it in their faces that they are beating themselves.
No wonder they are not even mentioned as part of the opposition. They are not in opposition, not government and not in the crossbench. They are there, somewhere there.
Muckraker would not sleep well if she ended these musings without mentioning one small thing. During the debate on Lehata’s tomfoolery, one opposition MP said the Speaker should protect MPs so that their images are not manipulated to tarnish their reputation. Yeah, right!
You must have a reputation first for it to be tarnished. Muckraker and 98.9 percent of Basotho know 99 percent of our MPs to be freeloading, greedy and power-hungry charlatans.
That is their reputation. Those who say our MPs are honest and hardworking are tarnishing that sterling reputation.
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