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Kicked in the nuts



An ABC friend invites Muckraker for some wine and gossip. As the merry waters infiltrated our grateful veins, the friend starts complaining about how people in rural areas rejected the ABC in the last election.

She calls them ungrateful and disloyal. Muckraker, already tipsy from the free booze, is in no mood to bore her host with some insights on elections and politics.

This being the January of misery, she is afraid a brutally honest answer might make her friend close the liquor tap.

So, she tells the friend an old story relevant to the political events of last October.

A prominent Maseru lawyer is bird hunting in Qacha’s Nek. Not that he likes eating birds.

It’s just a pretentious hobby acquired from some white friends and some TV nature channels. The lawyer shoots a large bird, and it drops into a farmer’s yard.

The lawyer is about to climb over the fence to fetch the bird when the old farmer appears. The farmer asks why he is about to trespass on his land and the lawyer says he wants to take his bird.

The farmer says he will do no such thing because the bird is now his. He explains that the rule in Qacha is that whatever is in your yard is yours.

The lawyer furiously reminds the farmer that he is a great lawyer and will sue him into poverty. He says he is the one who shot the bird and it was only by chance that the bird dropped in the farmer’s yard.

“You cannot claim to own something simply because it’s in your yard. What if that bird was a person? Would you say their dead body is your property?” the lawyer argues.

He is about to quote some laws but the farmer says there is no need for complicated solutions to a simple dispute.

“I see you know a lot of law but here in Qacha we are just uneducated people who like simple solutions,” says the farmer.

“So how do you suggest we solve this matter, old man?” the lawyer asks.

Farmer: Have you heard of the three-kick challenge, my son?
Lawyer: No! What has a silly kick challenge to do with our property dispute?

Farmer: It’s simple. We take turns kicking each other in the nuts and whoever surrenders loses the bird.

Seeing that he is up against a frail old farmer, the lawyer agrees to the nut-kicking challenge and allows the old man to kick him first.

He opens his legs and the old man unleashes the first kick on his nuts. The lawyer screams and crumbles to the ground.

The lawyer writhes in pain as the farmer waits for him to stand up for the second kick. The lawyer gets up and the old man gives him a thunderbolt kick in the nuts.

The lawyer is now crying but he knows he is just one kick away from punishing the old man. He opens his legs again and the old man delivers his third and final kick in his nuts.

The pain is unbearable but the lawyer doesn’t give up because he wants his bird and the chance to kick some old nuts. He struggles to his feet and gets ready for his turn to kick nuts.

“Now it’s my turn to kick you in the nuts. Open your legs old man!” the lawyer says as he fastens his shoe laces.

Farmer: No, that won’t happen son.
Lawyer: Why not? We have an agreement and it’s my turn to kick you.

Farmer: No, you won’t be kicking my nuts because I surrender. You can get into my yard and take your bird. Case closed. You won, Mr Akhente ea Maseru. Tsamaea hantle Mr Cleva.

The old man whistles as he walks away. The lesson is that you should never underestimate the rural folk.

They kicked the ABC in the nuts and it won’t make babies again. And that’s how Basotho deal with politicians who think they are clever.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuu!

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The not so noble Ashraf



English has never been our mother. It abandons us in times of trouble, especially when cornered. The best time to judge a person’s eloquence in English is when they are in distress. Walim Ashraf, the man accused of stealing M7.4 million, lost his English bundles last week when he was caught in a blue lie.

His bail hearing was going well until a DCEO investigator told the prosecutor that he was emitting lies with a straight face. He had told the court that his three children and wife were in South Africa. He even added that children were schooling in South Africa. That sounded plausible and the court appeared to have taken his word for it until the prosecutor announced that his wife and three children were in fact in India. Bingo!

Caught in the lie, Ashraf mumbled an apology before telling the court that “it was a slip of the tongue”.
In other words, his tongue has slipped and called South Africa India.

At that moment, Ashraf believed that claiming that your family is in South Africa when they are in India is a “slip of the tongue”.

The phrase he was looking for is: “I am a pathetic liar”. A slip of the tongue is a minor mistake in speech, not a fictitious relocation of your family from India to South Africa. Muckraker will not pass judgement on his charges.

Suffice to say Ashraf is an Arabic name meaning ‘most honourable one’ or ‘very noble’. Tongues that claim to have slipped when they are lying are not so noble.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuuu

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Its squeaky bum time



Uncle Sam and his leadership should not be surprised that the opposition is now grabbing them by the collar. They played into the government’s hands by making hasty and emotional decisions.

The suspension of the three MPs has now triggered a backlash that might topple the government.
The opposition is smelling blood and getting ready to pounce.

Even if Uncle Sam’s government survives the next storm, the opposition will keep coming. They are possessed by the spirit of destruction.
The next few years will be tsunami after tsunami.
Nothing motivates a politician more than the prospect of finishing off a wounded opponent.
Muckraker is tempted to say the RFP still has a chance to regroup and fight from one corner but that would be false. The trust has been broken and the wounds are too deep.

Those who have been suspended want revenge. Mediation is a waste of time. Nothing is ever forgiven and forgotten in politics.
Muckraker’s humble advice to Uncle Sam and his people is that they should stock up on painkillers because there are more pounding headaches on the way.
Keep some pills at home, office, office toilet, back pocket, handbag, wallet and even bra.

Mapesela will not rest until he is back in government and proudly messing up things.
He is beating war drums.
Uncle Sam and his people had better learn to play dirty because this is a rough game. Bones will be broken and bodies bruised.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuuu

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Rough riders



Spare a prayer for Uncle Sam as he walks on the glowing coals that is Lesotho’s politics. Call your prophets, fake and real, because the demons of Lesotho’s politics are at the gates.

Bring both fire and water because these are not Mickey Mouse demons. Leave the pigs out of this one, I beg. We still need fariki after exorcising the evil spirits. As usual, you need the powers of a potent wizard to decipher why the opposition is gathering wood for a pyre to burn both the government and its leader. That it’s such a hotchpotch betrays the fact that the reasons are contrived rather than real.

Even if they are real, none of them justifies toppling a government so soon.
And none of the opposition leaders could claim, without the usual dose of embellishment, that the so-called ‘reasons’ have come from the people. There is no scale to weigh the people’s disgust at Uncle Sam and his people.

There is no reason to pretend that those plotting to whip Uncle Sam out of office are doing it for the people who voted less than a year ago. This is just another group of excitable and power-mongering zealots cooking up reasons to justify their attempt to instigate a power grab.

You hear from their flawed logic when they exuberantly claim that it is their right to bring a no-confidence vote against the government.
They pull out that trump card even when no one has accused them of any criminality. They do it to sanitise and deodorise their brazen usurpation of the people’s power.
It’s their way of justifying why a group of less than 50 people who lost an election now has both the power and the nerve to topple a government supported by thousands of Basotho. Oops, that’s a lie. This a decision of less than 10 political leaders who are now shopping around for other MPs to support their decision.
Yes, toppling a government in parliament is not illegal. Yes, the opposition can do it. But the pertinent question is whether this is what Basotho want and it’s good for Lesotho.

Who has told the politicians that this is what the people want? Who did they consult, when and how?
Yes, Uncle Sam is fumbling and dithering. Yes, some of his ministers behave like rabbits caught in headlights on the Main North 1 Road. True, some of the appointments stink of nepotism.
But all these are nothing new or outrageous. We have seen worse from the very people now screaming their lungs out. It’s not as if the opposition now has a low tolerance for tosh.

After all, they are the very masters of tosh. This is not about service delivery or some transgressions.
This is about power and resources. Not power to serve Basotho. Not resources to share with Basotho. It is about the power to shove in their armpits while they munch the resources. That is why they keep telling us what Uncle Sam has done wrong instead of saying why they think they will do better.
They are not saying they will screw us softly this time around. No promise to go easy on the looting. Nothing about limiting the number of rats in the granary. They don’t even have the decency to promise to move from F to E.

As far as they are concerned, we just have to stand by and watch while they kick out Uncle Sam and then cheer as they march back to do more of the same. This is the contempt they have for the people. We elect governments that MPs have the power to topple willy-nilly while claiming to be acting on our behalf. We have been screwed before but these are rough riders. Phew!

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuuu

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