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Metsing’s lullabies



WHAT will it take for Metsing to come back home? Everything! Everything! Everything!
Try saying that in Metsing’s mellow voice.
The naïve in our midst have been hoodwinked to think this is about his security concerns and the reforms. The word ‘dunderhead’ was not concocted for nothing. What we have is an eternal political ping-pong. It should not end because such drivel is the fodder on which our politicians masticate with gusto.
Crisis is their Dragon (the sugary drink and not the tale).

The opposition is eager to sustain the fiction that there is chaos in Lesotho. The government, already losing a propaganda war despite hiring some garrulous fellow, has been caught snoozing.
It has played into the opposition’s ruse from which it might not untangle itself.
The web of deceit is made of steel.

Even the stray dogs in Motimposo are aware that there is an elaborate game of chess being played and the government is losing it.
Uncle Tom and his people are playing catch up for they have allowed the opposition to sustain the charade that the reforms will be stalled if Metsing doesn’t participate.

How the masters can be so daft to believe clowns in their court, we will never decipher.
All indications are that the opposition will eventually participate in the reforms, with or without Metsing.
Their leaders were in the first meeting and their representatives will be chowing sandwiches at planning committees.
They have already given the veneer of legitimacy the government craves for the reforms.
Of course there will be occasional skirmishes in the sessions but the point is that the reforms process has started. And they should proceed without Metsing because he is not the Alpha and Omega of this country.

He was not even a remote idea when this country was founded.
He is a politician whose fortunes have been tumbling like water into the Maletsunyane gorge. Nyoe, nyoe, nyoe he is the leader of an opposition party.
Holy dung!

Let’s not smear the pig with lipstick so we can justify kissing it. If we want to kiss a swine we must just go ahead without trying to beautify it.
Metsing’s LCD is a party that has long stopped declining. It is at the rock bottom from which it cannot climb out. It is a tiny party masquerading as a mover and shaker.
Granted, it was a crocodile in years gone by. Now it is a mere lizard begging for the honour of a crocodile.
Politics is an unforgiving enterprise. Your death can be very slow but it remains a death anyway.
To resurrect you need more than just political songs and propaganda.

It will be a miracle if LCD supporters can fill a rickety scotch cart.
We should therefore never pretend that the absence of a leader of such a trifling party could rob the reforms of integrity. The talks don’t hinge on Metsing’s availability.
And even if his voice was so important there is no way his insistence on being on voicemail would sabotage the reforms.
And it’s not as if he really needs to be present to make a contribution. He can write a detailed proposal that can be delivered to the committees working on the reforms.
There are many zealots who can swim across Mohokare River to deliver the document to Lesotho. He can also write an email or a Whatsapp. Or he can announce that his views can be found on his Facebook page.

The point here is that it is pointless to pretend that his presence really matters.

Muckraker is not unjustifiably railing Metsing.
He is a good fellow whose crime is to have misjudged his political acumen and prowess.
His noises are a cry for political relevance. Let’s face it: what other bargaining chip does he have apart from his participation in the reforms?
What will he yelp about when the reforms are done and dusted? What bag of grievances would he lug to SADC when the reforms are completed?
The reforms are his only means to wring some concessions from Uncle Tom.
His cows on the morabaraba board have been decimated.

His opposition comrades know it and so does he.
That is why only slow minds would expect Metsing to come back. He says he has a long list of things he wants fulfilled before he sets foot on Lesotho soil. But we all know that list will keep growing for as long as he senses that the government is bulking to pressure.

If the government says it will bring back Mojakhomo, as he has demanded, Metsing will say he wants a second wife. If that wife is delivered he will demand a virgin.
When that virgin is presented he will say he wants her to dance like Zodwa.
And when she dances he will say: “You see, I told you this was no virgin. No real virgin is capable of such raunchy dances.”
“Now bring me a pregnant virgin.”

Metsing will continue to shift goalposts to frustrate the reform process because it is that process that keeps the ambers of his political significance glowing. Like a Qaqatu girl being courted, Metsing will play hard to get for as long as possible. He will demand a handkerchief with five corners.
He will tell the government to bring him lion milk. He will demand that mountains be moved.

Yet we must not think that his mission is for the government to meet those demands so he can participate in the reforms. The idea is to buy time and drag this until the next election while praying that this government eventually crumbles like his.
History says this is not a lousy strategy at all.

You would think this tactic is as apparent as a goat’s behind. Not in the eyes of this government. It is incapable of seeing a train until it is under it.
Look how they have handled the wool and mohair fiasco. Watch as they bungle in the dispute with teachers. Notice how they fumbled on minimum wage.
Look how they slept on the job for months until they discovered that the coffers were dry and then tried to blame the previous regime for the mess.
They might be right to point fingers at the previous government but their timing gives the impression of a bunch of politicians desperate to disperse blame.
They thought they were doing well until people started asking why it took them so long to discover that the vaults were empty.
To those questions they sheepishly smiled and shrugged their shoulders.

“Our bad,” they said. Those they accused of being litsotsi were having a shindig at the government’s expense. All the thieves of money had to do was to poke a few holes into the government’s story.
There was money when we left government, they said. The government must say what they have done with the billions we left in the state coffers, they said while picking their noses.
Those, of course, were blue lies because we all know that just because money is in the vaults does not mean that it is not committed on something.
The previous government could have simply left millions of debts unsettled and claimed that there was money.

This government did not have an answer to the opposition’s allegations because it is incapable of coming up with a lucid position on many things.
Now Metsing is throwing boulders from across the border as if he is the victim.

Meanwhile the government keeps mollycoddling him as if he is a mokhoenyana demanding back cows they have since swallowed.
Muckraker is not in the business of proffering unsolicited advice to government officials but today she will make an exception.
Point him to the direction of Thabana-Ntlenyana and give him the military band to play him his favourite lullabies as he hikes the slope.
Once at the summit tell him to whistle into the wind and see if anyone gives a hoot about him.
When he is done get close to his ear and ask: Do you need a rope, my man from Mahobong?

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Let them take korobela



Nqosa Mahao has pulled a fast one on his opposition comrades to join Uncle Sam’s government. Muckraker suspected the bromance among the opposition leaders would end in tears but never expected Mahao to do the betraying. The lesson is that there is no honour among politicians and everyone has a price. The BAP’s price is two cabinet seats and some morsels to be flung its way here and there.
The opposition is furious at Mahao for stringing them along for three weeks while Uncle Sam whispered sweet little things in his ears.

They say Mahao attended their nocturnal meetings to plot Uncle Sam’s demise but was busy with a plan to get himself a mok’huk’hu in the government.
Their screams of anger are hypocritical. They too would have been charmed for the right price. Mahao just happened to have yielded earlier than them. None of them can claim that they were not approached by the RFP or its dealmakers.

No one could claim that they refused the RFP’s marriage proposal because they differed on ideology and principle. The only sticking issue was what was offered and what they thought their support was worthy. So let’s bin the hypocrisy and confirm that some of them overreached and overestimated their value by holding out for more spoils. It’s not their business if Mahao sold himself too cheap.

He was smart enough to understand that the market of political support was already flooded. That is being pragmatic.
In the end, it was a simple matter of demand and supply. Uncle Sam played the game well by lodging a scarecrow of a court case to delay the vote of no confidence to buy himself time. That blindsided the opposition leaders and allowed Uncle Sam to counterattack.

So while Lehata was laughing like a hyena in parliament and the opposition congregated at the BNP Centre for drinks Uncle Sam was cooking some delicious dish across town. It was only a matter of time before the aroma reached the politicians’ noses.

So while they were claiming to be united most of them were busy receiving calls to hear what was on the menu. It was a buffet of embassies and cabinet seats. The desserts were deputy minister positions and some small jobs for hungry supporters. The only problem with some of the opposition leaders was that they wanted to eat the whole buffet, including Uncle Sam’s portion.

Meanwhile, Uncle Sam was busy gauging what was enough to satiate the hungriest among the opposition leaders. In the end, he knew he didn’t have to part with much to get the deal and the numbers he wanted. Some politicians are saying Mahao could have asked for more because Uncle Sam was desperate and cornered. Not true!

Your tomatoes do not cost more simply because you worked hard to produce them or you think they are special. It’s the market that decides.
To get more for them you should get the timing right. The same applies to political support. Uncle Sam knew the market of political support would be oversupplied if he waited a few days before buying.

By the time he came to the market the available political support was about to rot and everyone was willing to sell at a huge discount. This is common sense but some opposition leaders want to pretend Mahao ambushed them by selling fast.

Muckraker suggests that next time they plot against Uncle Sam, the opposition leaders should visit a sangoma to give them all a huge dose of korobela so that none is tempted to find another lover. The best love portion comes from the North of us. Mwa, mwa, mwa!

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuuu

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How to share a stolen goat



Those who think Uncle Sam is now safe from the barbarians at the gates are naïve. Mahao’s defection is a temporary setback from which the opposition leaders are plotting to recover.
They are coming because Uncle Sam is holding something they cannot live without: power.
And they will not rest until they get it. Those who believe this fight is based on principle and ideology are unmitigated dimwits. Their claim that Uncle Sam’s government has failed is just a cover to justify their plot. They know they would not do a better job.

Everyone knows that because they have seen their epic bungling when they had a chance to rule.
The notoriety of their thievery, corruption, deliberate mismanagement and nepotism precedes them. They say Uncle Sam has failed to implement his party’s campaign promises but forget that some of them failed several times. If this was about ideology and principle it would reflect in the negotiations for coalitions. In countries where politicians still have morsels of self-respect and specks of shame, such negotiations would be dominated by ideological and policy considerations.

Political parties try to find some common ground on fundamental issues like the economy, education, climate change, trade and foreign policy.
Our rascals here talk about ministerial and diplomatic positions as if they are sharing a stolen goat; I want the head, give me likahare.

My ancestors said I should always eat the testicles. Give me the liver, I don’t have teeth. The heart is my favourite. In a way, our government is like a stolen goat being shared by thieves. Ba ja maleo.

It’s a fat goat stolen from Basotho. The politicians will eat it and not leave even the skin for Basotho to make a mat to lay on when hungry. The thieves are eating while the people watch.

Yet we people never tire to give the politicians the permission to rob and pee on them.
It’s tempting to say we deserve it but no one, not even the Devil, deserves the politicians we have in this country. Some say there is hell somewhere. Muckraker says we are already in a hell of some sort created by our politicians. We are being roasted slowly by politicians and they will never stop.

Does that make you feel depressed and hopeless? Well, you are not alone. There are worse places on this earth. Does that mean we should accept tosh because there is worse tosh in other places?
Well, it’s your choice.

Muckraker wishes you a wet weekend. Let’s hope Uncle Sam throws us a party to celebrate his great escape. You marched for him, didn’t you?
A beer is what you deserve for sweating from Maseru Mall to parliament.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuuu

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Give Lehata a Bell’s



Mootsi Lehata behaved like a clown in parliament last week. Laughing like he was in a shebeen. Spewing insults as if someone had stolen his goats. He even used the ‘F’ word on Lejone Mpotjoane.
“Moshanyana enoa a se ke a ntella. Se ke oa ntella sonny, f**k you,” he said in response to Mpotjoane. Muckraker doesn’t know Mpotjoane to be a moshanyana. What she knows is what Lehata did to a ngoanana a few years ago.

The girl dropped the rape case on the condition that Lehata builds her a house and pays for the child’s upkeep. So ke eena ea tellang molao. Some might say it’s water under the bridge but Muckraker doesn’t forgive. Never!

For now, we should talk about his monkeyshines in parliament. He looked high on something. Lehata can however deny it. He can say he was shaking because he had spent sleepless nights plotting to topple Uncle Sam. He can claim he was shaking with excitement at the prospect of becoming a minister again. If that doesn’t cut it he can say wasn’t drunk but just suffering from a hangover.

That might work because he could say those who say he was drunk on that Monday should have seen him on Sunday. He could claim he was still suffering the effects of knocking down several bottles taller than him.
But whatever happens, no one can prove that he was high.

Yes, a test could have revealed that he had blood in his alcohol but that is now beside the point because it didn’t happen. In any case, Muckraker has seen worse things in parliament. Remember how some MPs spanked each other a few years ago?

Chairs and bins were given wings. An MP was once captured on camera groping another.
As for insults, worse things have been said. Some of the MPs don’t need to be insulted to feel humiliated. Imagine how it feels to be an LCD MP.
You see it in their faces that they are beating themselves.

No wonder they are not even mentioned as part of the opposition. They are not in opposition, not government and not in the crossbench. They are there, somewhere there.

Muckraker would not sleep well if she ended these musings without mentioning one small thing. During the debate on Lehata’s tomfoolery, one opposition MP said the Speaker should protect MPs so that their images are not manipulated to tarnish their reputation. Yeah, right!

You must have a reputation first for it to be tarnished. Muckraker and 98.9 percent of Basotho know 99 percent of our MPs to be freeloading, greedy and power-hungry charlatans.
That is their reputation. Those who say our MPs are honest and hardworking are tarnishing that sterling reputation.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuuu

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