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Muckraker: Gamblers always lose



ANOTHER election has been stolen in Zimbabwe. The only surprise here is that some people are shocked that Zanu-PF has ‘won’ the election.
The writing was on the wall. History has taught us that Zanu-PF is a thief of elections. A friend from that country tells Muckraker that so legendary is the party’s thieving habits that every time you pass near its head offices you must check your underwear.

If you are still wearing it that means the party leaders think it has so many holes that they cannot even mop the floor with it.
This election result only confirms that Zanu-PF’s long fingers have only grown longer since they connived with the army generals to push out Robert Mugabe, their loud but inept leader, in a coup last November.

It also shows that for all their gloating about being smart and educated, Zimbabweans are incapable of seeing a bus until they are under it.
Muckraker would chuckle every time a Zimbabwean friend started hallucinating about the opposition’s chances in the election. Nyoe, nyoe, nyoe, the momentum is with the opposition.
Nyoe, nyoe, nyoe the people were afraid of Mugabe but now that he is gone they can finally boot out his party. The delusion was staggering, if not palpably sad.

It’s one thing to hope and quite another to have wet dreams. Now all Muckraker hears on Facebook and social media are screams of horror and anguish.
Nyoe, nyoe, nyoe we cannot afford another five years under these bloodsuckers. Yeh, right! You just had four decades under the same rotten system.
In their quest to attract sympathy and throw pity parties Zimbabweans forget that they and Zanu-PF are joined at the hip. In a way they are in the same WhatsApp group with their leaders. That is why they tolerate their shenanigans and tomfoolery.

So when they are tomfooled they sulk for a few days before going back to toiling.
Along the way they lie to themselves that all will be well and something will give.

Last November Zimbabweans showed that they lack the foresight to break the system. After the army turned on Mugabe for firing Emmerson Mnangagwa, the people of Zimbabwe had a collective orgasm.
They rallied behind the new man and his military friends to push out Mugabe.
There is no doubt that the old goat called Mugabe had overstayed his welcome by more than a quarter of a century. No one denies that the alliance between the army and the people was for expedience.

The problem is that Zimbabweans, including the garrulous and ham-fisted opposition, forgot that the coup was neither their game nor their train into the future.
They forgot that the best deals are done before an event and not after it.

When they should have insisted on an arrangement that puts the country on a path to proper democracy they threw parties and got drunk stupid with euphoria and hope.
That is what happens when you think the end of a dictatorship naturally means the beginning of democracy.
Muckraker will tell you today that there is a funeral in Zimbabwe.

The moaning and mourning will continue for the next few weeks until Zimbabweans get used to the reality that yesterday is the same as today and tomorrow offers no respite.
They will lick their wounds and adapt. By ‘adapting’ they mean learning to live with tosh. They mean grooving with poverty. Bumjiving with hunger.
Then after months of the same old backbreaking struggle they will thump their chests and say: we are a resilient lot.
My foot!

After five years another election fever will grip them and they will once again have wet-dreams. This is it, they will say. Now is the time, they will declare.
They will slip back into their gambling habit again.
Zimbabweans will swear with their mothers that they don’t have a terrible betting problem but it is the truth.

Every five years they place their wagers on Zanu-PF losing the election and they lose.
This time they again bet big on Zanu-PF losing and they lost big.
Nyoe, nyoe, nyoe watershed election.

There was never a turning point in the offing.
Where they get the nerve to be such reckless gamblers we might never know.
It has been clear since November that what they thought was a transition was a permanent arrangement.

Mnangagwa never had an intention to be the bridge to a democratic Zimbabwe. A thief of fantastic skills, Mnangagwa has no time for such trivialities as democracy and rule of law.
He looks after himself and his comrades. The complaints from the people are minor irritations that should not be allowed to get in the way of his core business of stealing hand over fist.
It was naïve of Zimbabweans to believe that he and the army could remove Mugabe so that they are replaced after a few moons.
Regimes in Zimbabwe don’t last pregnancies but generations.

Zimbabweans know this but they choose to believe otherwise because they have a terrible gambling problem.
As Muckraker writes this there is fire in Harare, as protesters vent their anger on street lights, rockeries and Jacaranda trees.
The army has been unleashed, leaving a few dead and scores injured. That is how it ends. A few skirmishes here and there.
Tomorrow, calm will return to the streets of Harare where everyone is selling something to someone.

Zimbabweans will stoically take the blows inflicted on their numb bodies and souls by the few strongmen who think the country belongs to them.
In months they will hope again that Mnangagwa will rebuild their once vibrant economy. They will pretend they don’t know that this is the same man who helped Mugabe ruin the same economy.
The jury is still out on whether they are just a naïve or an extremely optimistic bunch. Muckraker thinks it’s neither of those.
It must be in the genes. It’s impossible that such stupidity is a result of socialisation. Such a strain of mediocrity cannot be taught at school.
The poison must be the sperm and the egg.

As Zimbabweans were squawking Basotho are fuming over Aaron Banks. Brother Maseribane is accused of receiving donations from the British insurance mogul in exchange for a prospecting lease.

Dots have been connected and Maseribane has been found guilty by holier than thou zealots out to gain a higher moral ground.
Yet, if the truth be told, there is nothing overly scandalous about the transaction.

Indeed the party received the money through his account.
Yes Banks later got a prospecting licence.
But we should not pretend to be shocked at the revelations.
We all know that parties in this country have been receiving donations from dubious characters for years.

We should never be under any illusion that those donations are free lunches.
At some point the donor will ask for a pound of flesh and the beneficiary has to deliver.
The donations are loans to be repaid. Only in this case the beneficiaries pay with our resources.
Maseribane and his party are only being pilloried because they were caught.

Almost every party in this country has a benefactor who opens his cheque book with the hope of getting a bigger pay day in future.
Maseribane and his party deserve credit for admitting that they received the money.
Let any congress party utter a word of condemnation and Muckraker will hang their dirty laundry at the bus stop.

We are allowed to keep our skeletons in our closets but we cannot be hypocrites.
Uncle Tom has already admitted that he got some money from Banks when he was in exile. He said it was for soap. Who said exiles are not allowed to bath.
Muckraker wonders how much soap he bought. A few trucks of soap, perhaps.
Don’t get shocked. Uncle Tom knew that he was going to wear pink things one day. When you wear suits that are banned by dry cleaners you need every bar of soap you can get. Foresight!

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuu!

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Let them take korobela



Nqosa Mahao has pulled a fast one on his opposition comrades to join Uncle Sam’s government. Muckraker suspected the bromance among the opposition leaders would end in tears but never expected Mahao to do the betraying. The lesson is that there is no honour among politicians and everyone has a price. The BAP’s price is two cabinet seats and some morsels to be flung its way here and there.
The opposition is furious at Mahao for stringing them along for three weeks while Uncle Sam whispered sweet little things in his ears.

They say Mahao attended their nocturnal meetings to plot Uncle Sam’s demise but was busy with a plan to get himself a mok’huk’hu in the government.
Their screams of anger are hypocritical. They too would have been charmed for the right price. Mahao just happened to have yielded earlier than them. None of them can claim that they were not approached by the RFP or its dealmakers.

No one could claim that they refused the RFP’s marriage proposal because they differed on ideology and principle. The only sticking issue was what was offered and what they thought their support was worthy. So let’s bin the hypocrisy and confirm that some of them overreached and overestimated their value by holding out for more spoils. It’s not their business if Mahao sold himself too cheap.

He was smart enough to understand that the market of political support was already flooded. That is being pragmatic.
In the end, it was a simple matter of demand and supply. Uncle Sam played the game well by lodging a scarecrow of a court case to delay the vote of no confidence to buy himself time. That blindsided the opposition leaders and allowed Uncle Sam to counterattack.

So while Lehata was laughing like a hyena in parliament and the opposition congregated at the BNP Centre for drinks Uncle Sam was cooking some delicious dish across town. It was only a matter of time before the aroma reached the politicians’ noses.

So while they were claiming to be united most of them were busy receiving calls to hear what was on the menu. It was a buffet of embassies and cabinet seats. The desserts were deputy minister positions and some small jobs for hungry supporters. The only problem with some of the opposition leaders was that they wanted to eat the whole buffet, including Uncle Sam’s portion.

Meanwhile, Uncle Sam was busy gauging what was enough to satiate the hungriest among the opposition leaders. In the end, he knew he didn’t have to part with much to get the deal and the numbers he wanted. Some politicians are saying Mahao could have asked for more because Uncle Sam was desperate and cornered. Not true!

Your tomatoes do not cost more simply because you worked hard to produce them or you think they are special. It’s the market that decides.
To get more for them you should get the timing right. The same applies to political support. Uncle Sam knew the market of political support would be oversupplied if he waited a few days before buying.

By the time he came to the market the available political support was about to rot and everyone was willing to sell at a huge discount. This is common sense but some opposition leaders want to pretend Mahao ambushed them by selling fast.

Muckraker suggests that next time they plot against Uncle Sam, the opposition leaders should visit a sangoma to give them all a huge dose of korobela so that none is tempted to find another lover. The best love portion comes from the North of us. Mwa, mwa, mwa!

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuuu

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How to share a stolen goat



Those who think Uncle Sam is now safe from the barbarians at the gates are naïve. Mahao’s defection is a temporary setback from which the opposition leaders are plotting to recover.
They are coming because Uncle Sam is holding something they cannot live without: power.
And they will not rest until they get it. Those who believe this fight is based on principle and ideology are unmitigated dimwits. Their claim that Uncle Sam’s government has failed is just a cover to justify their plot. They know they would not do a better job.

Everyone knows that because they have seen their epic bungling when they had a chance to rule.
The notoriety of their thievery, corruption, deliberate mismanagement and nepotism precedes them. They say Uncle Sam has failed to implement his party’s campaign promises but forget that some of them failed several times. If this was about ideology and principle it would reflect in the negotiations for coalitions. In countries where politicians still have morsels of self-respect and specks of shame, such negotiations would be dominated by ideological and policy considerations.

Political parties try to find some common ground on fundamental issues like the economy, education, climate change, trade and foreign policy.
Our rascals here talk about ministerial and diplomatic positions as if they are sharing a stolen goat; I want the head, give me likahare.

My ancestors said I should always eat the testicles. Give me the liver, I don’t have teeth. The heart is my favourite. In a way, our government is like a stolen goat being shared by thieves. Ba ja maleo.

It’s a fat goat stolen from Basotho. The politicians will eat it and not leave even the skin for Basotho to make a mat to lay on when hungry. The thieves are eating while the people watch.

Yet we people never tire to give the politicians the permission to rob and pee on them.
It’s tempting to say we deserve it but no one, not even the Devil, deserves the politicians we have in this country. Some say there is hell somewhere. Muckraker says we are already in a hell of some sort created by our politicians. We are being roasted slowly by politicians and they will never stop.

Does that make you feel depressed and hopeless? Well, you are not alone. There are worse places on this earth. Does that mean we should accept tosh because there is worse tosh in other places?
Well, it’s your choice.

Muckraker wishes you a wet weekend. Let’s hope Uncle Sam throws us a party to celebrate his great escape. You marched for him, didn’t you?
A beer is what you deserve for sweating from Maseru Mall to parliament.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuuu

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Give Lehata a Bell’s



Mootsi Lehata behaved like a clown in parliament last week. Laughing like he was in a shebeen. Spewing insults as if someone had stolen his goats. He even used the ‘F’ word on Lejone Mpotjoane.
“Moshanyana enoa a se ke a ntella. Se ke oa ntella sonny, f**k you,” he said in response to Mpotjoane. Muckraker doesn’t know Mpotjoane to be a moshanyana. What she knows is what Lehata did to a ngoanana a few years ago.

The girl dropped the rape case on the condition that Lehata builds her a house and pays for the child’s upkeep. So ke eena ea tellang molao. Some might say it’s water under the bridge but Muckraker doesn’t forgive. Never!

For now, we should talk about his monkeyshines in parliament. He looked high on something. Lehata can however deny it. He can say he was shaking because he had spent sleepless nights plotting to topple Uncle Sam. He can claim he was shaking with excitement at the prospect of becoming a minister again. If that doesn’t cut it he can say wasn’t drunk but just suffering from a hangover.

That might work because he could say those who say he was drunk on that Monday should have seen him on Sunday. He could claim he was still suffering the effects of knocking down several bottles taller than him.
But whatever happens, no one can prove that he was high.

Yes, a test could have revealed that he had blood in his alcohol but that is now beside the point because it didn’t happen. In any case, Muckraker has seen worse things in parliament. Remember how some MPs spanked each other a few years ago?

Chairs and bins were given wings. An MP was once captured on camera groping another.
As for insults, worse things have been said. Some of the MPs don’t need to be insulted to feel humiliated. Imagine how it feels to be an LCD MP.
You see it in their faces that they are beating themselves.

No wonder they are not even mentioned as part of the opposition. They are not in opposition, not government and not in the crossbench. They are there, somewhere there.

Muckraker would not sleep well if she ended these musings without mentioning one small thing. During the debate on Lehata’s tomfoolery, one opposition MP said the Speaker should protect MPs so that their images are not manipulated to tarnish their reputation. Yeah, right!

You must have a reputation first for it to be tarnished. Muckraker and 98.9 percent of Basotho know 99 percent of our MPs to be freeloading, greedy and power-hungry charlatans.
That is their reputation. Those who say our MPs are honest and hardworking are tarnishing that sterling reputation.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuuu

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