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Muckraker: Viva Zodwa



IT’S a blatant lie that our government is not efficient. It is just selective on things it wants to expedite.
Thanks to the silly debate about Zodwa we now know what is top on our government’s agenda. Never in the history of this country has a government been so competent and effective in dealing with a nonsensical issue.

One morning we hear Zodwa is coming and a few hours later we are told government has told her to take her shenanigans somewhere else.
How Zodwa climbed so fast up the government’s to-do-list is baffling.
But in an apt way it just goes to show that the government has too much time on its hands.

Either that or it has just been pretending to be incompetent on all other social, political and economic ills in the country.
Even our indolent MPs could not be outdone. This week they abandoned important debate on national issues to discuss Zodwa. Phew!
So who is this Zodwa character who jolted our sleeping MPs into action? Who is she that she can stun our government into a rare moment of efficacy?
Zodwa is a South African entertainer who specialises in dancing without panties. Her only claim to fame is that she gyrates without an undergarment.
Absconding from wearing knickers is her only talent. That is all there is: zero pantie, zero talent and lame dance moves. Force her to put on a mini brief and Zodwa is finished as an entertainer. She doesn’t sing or play an instrument.

All she has to sell at a show is her half covered behind bouncing on the stage.
Occasionally she will swing her leg wide enough for people to think that they have seen her nether regions. A Zodwa without undies is of no use to the entertainment industry.

But her hatred for knickers has nothing to do with the price of bread or mangoenya. Her performance does not affect the GDP of this country.

Now that we have clarified who Zodwa is we return to the crux of the matter. The pith being that there is a battalion of people who didn’t want Zodwa to perform in Lesotho. And the government and parliament duly obliged.

It’s a debate that was manufactured at a local radio station, propelled by social media and gossip until it reached parliament and Uncle Tom’s office.
So here we are. For the first time in eons we are not talking politics or fuming about soldiers. Zodwa has stolen the limelight from other essential issues like poverty, unemployment, corruption, hunger and crime.

A South African woman who dances without panties is now being discussed by a whole parliament. A whole government is seized by her matter.
The bearded men and breasted women in parliament have deemed Zodwa a subject more important than every other pressing problem in this country.

While the subject of the argument is new the frivolity exuded in the debate is stale.

The arguments against Zodwa coming in two: we are a Christian country and we don’t want our people to be contaminated morally.
Both are wobbling and hobbling arguments because they are based on dubious premises. The idea that Lesotho is a Christian country is one of the biggest hoaxes of our time. It is supported by neither statistics nor action. Statistics first: just because someone claims to be a Christian doesn’t make them a Christian.

In any case, most of those who claim to be Christians don’t know what it means to be a Christian. They think having a baptismal certificate with an English name on it makes them a Christian.
We just don’t read the Bible.

The Bible is an accessory to decorate a shelf in the house.
In church it’s a musical instrument during hymes. On the streets it’s a warning to the alleged enemies that the holder is protected.
But let’s not measure this with theory. Question time: What does Mark 16 verse 21 say? If you are one of the majority who claim to be Christians but are now scrambling for a Bible to check that verse then you are a scandal on two legs.

There is no such verse in the Bible, you con! We are not a Christian country in action. The murders, the cruelty, the stinginess and fornication overflowing in this country are evidence that we are anything but a Christian country.
It’s not enough to start and close meetings with a prayer.

Muckraker now turns to the argument about morality. Those who don’t want Zodwa to come say they fear she will contaminate our minds. The logic is that after watching Zodwa twirling we will suddenly have an urge to appoint her our role model.
Henceforth both men and women will go around without panties.

Teachers will have a tough time getting students to wear mini briefs.
And our youths will suddenly bunk classes to practise Zodwa’s dance movies. Churches will be emptied as people join the Zodwa ‘revolution’.
There will be demonstrations against panties. There will be a surge in divorce cases as spouses fight over panties.

Lawyers will have a tough time as they try to come up with arguments in divorce cases that involve panties.
“Your Honour, the plaintiff refused to accept my client’s right to do away with panties”.
“Your Honour, the husband wishes to tell the court that the wife is wasting money on panties.”

The point here is that Zodwa’s performance doesn’t change a thing about our morality. She is not showing off anything that adults have not seen at home and on the streets of Maseru.
As for the potential impact on the youths Muckraker thinks we underestimate those young ones. They have seen worse things than Zodwa’s plum thighs.

They are doing worse things. They know far more than you did when you were their age. You can drag them to church every Sunday, lecture them every day, lock them in the house and stop them from watching anything that is beyond PG13 but that will not change a thing.
They are watching porn on the phones. That won’t stop them from misbehaving. Our youths are wayward with or without Zodwa.

Let’s go a little deeper. The assumption is that if you are hostile to Zodwa coming to Lesotho it means you know how she dances.
In other words, there was a time when you saw her dance. Now the next logical question is where did you see her dance? Was it at a show in South Africa, on TV or on the internet? The truth is that you didn’t just bump into her performance or video.
You made a conscious effort to watch her.

So the question now is whether you closed your eyes when you saw her dance?
Did you smash your TV or phone after watching her? Did you block or unfriend the person who shared Zodwa’s video on social media?
It’s getting uncomfortable now, neh! Let’s leave it there before some people willingly add an ‘H’ to their initials. ‘H’ for hypocrite.

What is clear is that those arguing against Zodwa coming are insincere. South Africans, who have watched Zodwa perform and lived with her for years, are not walking around without panties.
The sales of panties have not dropped because Zodwa hates wearing them. There is no real link, real or contrived, between wearing parties and morality.

But the most important observation Muckraker has made in the few days is that the Zodwa issue is not about morality or any other virtue.
We are having this debate because our women are horribly insecure.
Nyoe, nyoe, nyoe, we don’t want our husbands and boyfriends watching a naked woman dancing. Nyoe, nyoe, nyoe, she will corrupt our husbands.
Let’s break down this tosh.
The first point is that you underestimate the potential of your man to be a pervert. He has a lurid imagination that makes Zodwa’s naked behind look like a silly joke.

He is a nasty little bastard with or without Zodwa.
He might not be making money by the bucket or inventing the next big thing but he is creative. She is probably lusting over the pastor’s wife. If he is a pastor he is probably winking at one of the congregants.

Second, your man is not an idiot. You don’t keep his brains in your bag. He is an adult capable of controlling his hormones.
Third, Zodwa most probably wouldn’t even want to be with your man because he is terribly stingy. Yah, all Basotho men are stingy. Yeh, I said it. Calm down sister, your man cannot afford Zodwa. He will ogle but won’t touch. Zodwa is in this for money not fun.
Fourth, your man was probably going to be attending the show with another Zodwa.

The problem is that Zodwa who lives in your village and smiles every time you meet.
You probably work with that Zodwa. That Zodwa might be in your prayer group. That Zodwa is probably your close friend. That local Zodwa has been munching your man’s money for years. Oops. No, let’s rephrase that. You are probably the Zodwa that another woman fears.
The real Zodwa was going to perform for 30 minutes and leave but the other Zodwas are permanent citizens in your village, this country and your life. They are waiting for you to get so pissed that you leave your man and they take over.

A ticket to the show was likely to cost M200 yet there are other Zodwas who cost M30 on the streets on Maseru.
Look to the right, left, up and down. If you don’t see a Zodwa around you then you should visit an optician pronto.

So if you are one of those women who don’t want Zodwa to perform in Lesotho then you are not enough. There is a short fuse in your head.
You have the brain the size of the punctuation mark at the end of this sentence. Muckraker will not apologise for those words for that is what it is: rank madness sustained by shallow reasoning and hot air.

If you are really worried about Zodwa snatching your man just chain him to the bed. Tie your dog. The other option is to dance like Zodwa in the house. The best option, though, is to just grow up.

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Let them take korobela



Nqosa Mahao has pulled a fast one on his opposition comrades to join Uncle Sam’s government. Muckraker suspected the bromance among the opposition leaders would end in tears but never expected Mahao to do the betraying. The lesson is that there is no honour among politicians and everyone has a price. The BAP’s price is two cabinet seats and some morsels to be flung its way here and there.
The opposition is furious at Mahao for stringing them along for three weeks while Uncle Sam whispered sweet little things in his ears.

They say Mahao attended their nocturnal meetings to plot Uncle Sam’s demise but was busy with a plan to get himself a mok’huk’hu in the government.
Their screams of anger are hypocritical. They too would have been charmed for the right price. Mahao just happened to have yielded earlier than them. None of them can claim that they were not approached by the RFP or its dealmakers.

No one could claim that they refused the RFP’s marriage proposal because they differed on ideology and principle. The only sticking issue was what was offered and what they thought their support was worthy. So let’s bin the hypocrisy and confirm that some of them overreached and overestimated their value by holding out for more spoils. It’s not their business if Mahao sold himself too cheap.

He was smart enough to understand that the market of political support was already flooded. That is being pragmatic.
In the end, it was a simple matter of demand and supply. Uncle Sam played the game well by lodging a scarecrow of a court case to delay the vote of no confidence to buy himself time. That blindsided the opposition leaders and allowed Uncle Sam to counterattack.

So while Lehata was laughing like a hyena in parliament and the opposition congregated at the BNP Centre for drinks Uncle Sam was cooking some delicious dish across town. It was only a matter of time before the aroma reached the politicians’ noses.

So while they were claiming to be united most of them were busy receiving calls to hear what was on the menu. It was a buffet of embassies and cabinet seats. The desserts were deputy minister positions and some small jobs for hungry supporters. The only problem with some of the opposition leaders was that they wanted to eat the whole buffet, including Uncle Sam’s portion.

Meanwhile, Uncle Sam was busy gauging what was enough to satiate the hungriest among the opposition leaders. In the end, he knew he didn’t have to part with much to get the deal and the numbers he wanted. Some politicians are saying Mahao could have asked for more because Uncle Sam was desperate and cornered. Not true!

Your tomatoes do not cost more simply because you worked hard to produce them or you think they are special. It’s the market that decides.
To get more for them you should get the timing right. The same applies to political support. Uncle Sam knew the market of political support would be oversupplied if he waited a few days before buying.

By the time he came to the market the available political support was about to rot and everyone was willing to sell at a huge discount. This is common sense but some opposition leaders want to pretend Mahao ambushed them by selling fast.

Muckraker suggests that next time they plot against Uncle Sam, the opposition leaders should visit a sangoma to give them all a huge dose of korobela so that none is tempted to find another lover. The best love portion comes from the North of us. Mwa, mwa, mwa!

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuuu

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How to share a stolen goat



Those who think Uncle Sam is now safe from the barbarians at the gates are naïve. Mahao’s defection is a temporary setback from which the opposition leaders are plotting to recover.
They are coming because Uncle Sam is holding something they cannot live without: power.
And they will not rest until they get it. Those who believe this fight is based on principle and ideology are unmitigated dimwits. Their claim that Uncle Sam’s government has failed is just a cover to justify their plot. They know they would not do a better job.

Everyone knows that because they have seen their epic bungling when they had a chance to rule.
The notoriety of their thievery, corruption, deliberate mismanagement and nepotism precedes them. They say Uncle Sam has failed to implement his party’s campaign promises but forget that some of them failed several times. If this was about ideology and principle it would reflect in the negotiations for coalitions. In countries where politicians still have morsels of self-respect and specks of shame, such negotiations would be dominated by ideological and policy considerations.

Political parties try to find some common ground on fundamental issues like the economy, education, climate change, trade and foreign policy.
Our rascals here talk about ministerial and diplomatic positions as if they are sharing a stolen goat; I want the head, give me likahare.

My ancestors said I should always eat the testicles. Give me the liver, I don’t have teeth. The heart is my favourite. In a way, our government is like a stolen goat being shared by thieves. Ba ja maleo.

It’s a fat goat stolen from Basotho. The politicians will eat it and not leave even the skin for Basotho to make a mat to lay on when hungry. The thieves are eating while the people watch.

Yet we people never tire to give the politicians the permission to rob and pee on them.
It’s tempting to say we deserve it but no one, not even the Devil, deserves the politicians we have in this country. Some say there is hell somewhere. Muckraker says we are already in a hell of some sort created by our politicians. We are being roasted slowly by politicians and they will never stop.

Does that make you feel depressed and hopeless? Well, you are not alone. There are worse places on this earth. Does that mean we should accept tosh because there is worse tosh in other places?
Well, it’s your choice.

Muckraker wishes you a wet weekend. Let’s hope Uncle Sam throws us a party to celebrate his great escape. You marched for him, didn’t you?
A beer is what you deserve for sweating from Maseru Mall to parliament.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuuu

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Give Lehata a Bell’s



Mootsi Lehata behaved like a clown in parliament last week. Laughing like he was in a shebeen. Spewing insults as if someone had stolen his goats. He even used the ‘F’ word on Lejone Mpotjoane.
“Moshanyana enoa a se ke a ntella. Se ke oa ntella sonny, f**k you,” he said in response to Mpotjoane. Muckraker doesn’t know Mpotjoane to be a moshanyana. What she knows is what Lehata did to a ngoanana a few years ago.

The girl dropped the rape case on the condition that Lehata builds her a house and pays for the child’s upkeep. So ke eena ea tellang molao. Some might say it’s water under the bridge but Muckraker doesn’t forgive. Never!

For now, we should talk about his monkeyshines in parliament. He looked high on something. Lehata can however deny it. He can say he was shaking because he had spent sleepless nights plotting to topple Uncle Sam. He can claim he was shaking with excitement at the prospect of becoming a minister again. If that doesn’t cut it he can say wasn’t drunk but just suffering from a hangover.

That might work because he could say those who say he was drunk on that Monday should have seen him on Sunday. He could claim he was still suffering the effects of knocking down several bottles taller than him.
But whatever happens, no one can prove that he was high.

Yes, a test could have revealed that he had blood in his alcohol but that is now beside the point because it didn’t happen. In any case, Muckraker has seen worse things in parliament. Remember how some MPs spanked each other a few years ago?

Chairs and bins were given wings. An MP was once captured on camera groping another.
As for insults, worse things have been said. Some of the MPs don’t need to be insulted to feel humiliated. Imagine how it feels to be an LCD MP.
You see it in their faces that they are beating themselves.

No wonder they are not even mentioned as part of the opposition. They are not in opposition, not government and not in the crossbench. They are there, somewhere there.

Muckraker would not sleep well if she ended these musings without mentioning one small thing. During the debate on Lehata’s tomfoolery, one opposition MP said the Speaker should protect MPs so that their images are not manipulated to tarnish their reputation. Yeah, right!

You must have a reputation first for it to be tarnished. Muckraker and 98.9 percent of Basotho know 99 percent of our MPs to be freeloading, greedy and power-hungry charlatans.
That is their reputation. Those who say our MPs are honest and hardworking are tarnishing that sterling reputation.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuuu

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