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Oh, Ramatsella!



Ramatšella, Ramatšella, Ramatšella! Where art thou? 60!  That’s how many people rewarded him for his garrulous ways? Phew! 60! It is a scandal of epic proportions that only 60 people voted for him after all the energy he expended on firing salvos at his opponents on radio.
The last time Muckraker contested an election she got 33 votes. And that was not in a national election. It was a vote for a class monitor position at her school in Mafube.

The class had 44 students and the turnout was 100 percent. That is what is called a thunderous victory.
Ramatšella managed 60 in a constituency of over 10 000 people. That’s how unpopular he is. To put into perspective Ramatšella has 10 fingers, ten toes and 20 nails. That comes to 40. Add the pairs of ears, ears, lips, eyebrows and cheeks. You get 50.

Now add the head, nose, mouth, two legs, two bums, two feet and one belly to get to 60. That is what the man toiled for in the days he spent on the campaign trail.
It is crucial to note that Muckraker didn’t count the forehead and that’s for a valid reason. It is there that someone has scribbled the number 60 so that wherever he goes people remember his dubious distinction. Political failures must be paraded for all to see.
Mediocrity should never be hidden like the pregnancy of a schoolgirl.
By the way, it’s actually 59 votes because the other vote came from him. In saying this Muckraker assumes he had the courage and confidence to vote for himself.

There are times when you are so unpopular that you don’t even support yourself.
60! Phew! No wonder he is now on voicemail. He has been stunned into silence.

Voters have mastered the art of spanking politicians, especially those haughty ones who won’t stop picking fights over trivial matters. For weeks Muckraker has been calling on Ramatšella to come out of his hiding.

Some malicious people have whispered to Muckraker that he won’t be coming out soon because he is trying to delete the ‘60’ mark from his forehead.
They say he is using scouring powder, bleach, wire brush and a grinder but the ‘60’ tattoo just won’t go.

He should just quit because that brand is his to keep. Perhaps he should patent the number because he now owns it. It’s now his trademark.
No one shall utter the number ‘60’ without a licence from Ramatšella. The hour now has 59 minutes and the minute has 59 seconds.
Who are we to deny such an honourable man a title he has earned with distinction?

It’s time to stop the brouhaha and mop the crimson tears over Tlohelang Aumane’s defection. Indeed, the Democratic Congress (DC)’s bigots have screamed and bellowed enough. Adultery.

Someone should have the guts to tell them to shut the hell up and get on with the business of being his Majesty’s loyal opposition.
This mourning party over Aumane’s political infidelity is just a fart to be blown away by the wind pronto, for it has no use to this country.
So what if an MP could not resist the charms of another party? Nyoe, nyoe, nyoe, the young man is a thief. Nyoe, nyoe, nyoe, he cheated the people of Semena.

You are a disloyal moron, said some DC diehard who probably cannot even spell her name under pressure. There is a symbiotic link between illiteracy and loudness.

The whole ruckus is just some nonsense manufactured by a hoard of villagers whose only claim to fame is to sing louder and gyrate with unbridled gusto at political rallies.

Now that the June 3 election has made them redundant they are looking for a new vocation. In crying over Aumane’s defection they think they have found a new job.

If you are pissed by what Muckraker has just said grab a huge cup of water and sip slowly while you rest your behind.
You have a lot to learn before you start calling Muckraker a foulmouthed woman with an unhealthy penchant for insulting her elders. So let the lessons begin.

The first one is that Aumane has not done anything treasonous. He has murdered no ones. What he has done was done by many political leaders, some repeatedly so. Almost all political parties in this country have some connection to the BCP. Yeh, I said it. The BCP is the father and mother of all political parties.

Our political landscape is teeming with BCP surrogates masquerading as the real McCoy. There are parties that defected from parties that had defected from the BCP.

History, the subject canned by some short-sighted technocrats, shows ours to be a country replete with defectors.
The other words for defectors are traitors, turncoats, renegades, rebels and apostates. There is not a single party in this country that was not formed by someone who was coming from another party.
We can sanitise it all we want but the point remains that defection is the staple of our politics. So go ahead and cast the first stone on Aumane if you are not a defector or a member of a party formed by a defector.

The second lesson is that there is nothing illegal Aumane did. True, he could have done it with finesse but that doesn’t mean he peed on any section of the constitution.

Moving between parties is allowed for real MPs. Notice here that Muckraker says uses the word “real” because there are some fake ones who sneaked into parliament through the PR list, that one that can be cobbled up by party gurus in their bedrooms and nocturnal meetings.
Those on the PR list are beneficiaries of a generous system designed to reward failure and mediocrity. A system conjured to cuddle and flatter losers.
More like saying you are the last in the class but you can’t go back home without a little something because your mother might think she is wasting her money.  Muckraker digressed, and justifiably so because this PR business always gets her goat.
So back to the legality of Aumane’s political treachery we return. Our constitution, as emaciated and shallow as it is, says real MPs can hop into any political bed.

It doesn’t even limit the number of times they can jump because its writers understood that there is no way to control how many times a person can change their mind. If you have never changed your mind then you have no right to be holding on to that brain of yours. Rather give it to those who can put it to full use.  The third lesson has to do with the stinking nature of politics. To call Aumane a thief of votes will be to say that politics is governed by some sort of moral code. That’s just naïve.

If Aumane waited until he won the constituency to jump into the enemy’s field that means he schemed well.
If he was persuaded to move after the election result then that means he could smell an opportunity.
How long was he going to wait to become a Minister in a DC government? He wasn’t even on the waiting list of MPs to be considered for cabinet positions if the DC had won the election.

That’s because there are people who have been ministers since donkeys could write love letters and wink at each other.
Size Two has been microwaving the same old deadwood as if this country has only a 100 people.
Given the reality that there is a cabal of people who thought they were born to be Ministers Muckraker wonders what chance a 42-year-old political upstart had of becoming a minister. Cabinet positions had been captured.

The fourth lesson is intricately linked to the plain truth in our myopic politics. Opposition MPs don’t get things done. Of course they will shout and heckle ministers in parliament but on real policy issues they are nonentities. Their opinions and contributions to the making of policies are marginal, if not none at all. They don’t get to twist things to favour their constituencies. They offer their supporters nothing but a voice in parliament.
They don’t even have control over a fato-fato list.

Would the people of Qacha’s Nek enjoy decent roads if Size Two and his two cahoots were not permanent features in government?
We can ask the same in Machache where Mokola pampered the villagers with electricity and even street lights.
You many fume but that is the nature of our politics. Proximity to government matters.

Let’s now turn to the fifth and last issue which also happens to be thorny. Does what Aumane did amount to stealing?
It depends on how you look at it. If he used the DC as a log to cross a flooded Mohokare River to join the AD then he nicked. If Mokola whispered sweet little nothings into his ears after the election then he should not be in the dock.  But before we get further along this path of suppositions let’s get one thing clear: Stealing is not illegal in this country. Yeah, I said it.  People steal every time and they are celebrated instead of being locked up.

The real thieves continue to perambulate the streets while mere pickpockets are shoved into jails. Until those who looted government money through that dubious Bidvest deal are doing time behind bars no one should raise a finger against Aumane.
Aumane probably trousered some votes but that is not the worst thing that has happened in this country. There have been humongous scandals in which millions have vanished into thin air.

Aumane will have to account to his people in Semena. Whether he convinces them or leaves them irate is his business. As for the leadership in the DC he simply has to ask them to go look themselves in the mirror and ask themselves if their anger about his floor-crossing is genuine.
If they do take his advice they will see real hypocrites in the mirrors. Please tlohelang Aumane comrades.

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The not so noble Ashraf



English has never been our mother. It abandons us in times of trouble, especially when cornered. The best time to judge a person’s eloquence in English is when they are in distress. Walim Ashraf, the man accused of stealing M7.4 million, lost his English bundles last week when he was caught in a blue lie.

His bail hearing was going well until a DCEO investigator told the prosecutor that he was emitting lies with a straight face. He had told the court that his three children and wife were in South Africa. He even added that children were schooling in South Africa. That sounded plausible and the court appeared to have taken his word for it until the prosecutor announced that his wife and three children were in fact in India. Bingo!

Caught in the lie, Ashraf mumbled an apology before telling the court that “it was a slip of the tongue”.
In other words, his tongue has slipped and called South Africa India.

At that moment, Ashraf believed that claiming that your family is in South Africa when they are in India is a “slip of the tongue”.

The phrase he was looking for is: “I am a pathetic liar”. A slip of the tongue is a minor mistake in speech, not a fictitious relocation of your family from India to South Africa. Muckraker will not pass judgement on his charges.

Suffice to say Ashraf is an Arabic name meaning ‘most honourable one’ or ‘very noble’. Tongues that claim to have slipped when they are lying are not so noble.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuuu

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Its squeaky bum time



Uncle Sam and his leadership should not be surprised that the opposition is now grabbing them by the collar. They played into the government’s hands by making hasty and emotional decisions.

The suspension of the three MPs has now triggered a backlash that might topple the government.
The opposition is smelling blood and getting ready to pounce.

Even if Uncle Sam’s government survives the next storm, the opposition will keep coming. They are possessed by the spirit of destruction.
The next few years will be tsunami after tsunami.
Nothing motivates a politician more than the prospect of finishing off a wounded opponent.
Muckraker is tempted to say the RFP still has a chance to regroup and fight from one corner but that would be false. The trust has been broken and the wounds are too deep.

Those who have been suspended want revenge. Mediation is a waste of time. Nothing is ever forgiven and forgotten in politics.
Muckraker’s humble advice to Uncle Sam and his people is that they should stock up on painkillers because there are more pounding headaches on the way.
Keep some pills at home, office, office toilet, back pocket, handbag, wallet and even bra.

Mapesela will not rest until he is back in government and proudly messing up things.
He is beating war drums.
Uncle Sam and his people had better learn to play dirty because this is a rough game. Bones will be broken and bodies bruised.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuuu

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Rough riders



Spare a prayer for Uncle Sam as he walks on the glowing coals that is Lesotho’s politics. Call your prophets, fake and real, because the demons of Lesotho’s politics are at the gates.

Bring both fire and water because these are not Mickey Mouse demons. Leave the pigs out of this one, I beg. We still need fariki after exorcising the evil spirits. As usual, you need the powers of a potent wizard to decipher why the opposition is gathering wood for a pyre to burn both the government and its leader. That it’s such a hotchpotch betrays the fact that the reasons are contrived rather than real.

Even if they are real, none of them justifies toppling a government so soon.
And none of the opposition leaders could claim, without the usual dose of embellishment, that the so-called ‘reasons’ have come from the people. There is no scale to weigh the people’s disgust at Uncle Sam and his people.

There is no reason to pretend that those plotting to whip Uncle Sam out of office are doing it for the people who voted less than a year ago. This is just another group of excitable and power-mongering zealots cooking up reasons to justify their attempt to instigate a power grab.

You hear from their flawed logic when they exuberantly claim that it is their right to bring a no-confidence vote against the government.
They pull out that trump card even when no one has accused them of any criminality. They do it to sanitise and deodorise their brazen usurpation of the people’s power.
It’s their way of justifying why a group of less than 50 people who lost an election now has both the power and the nerve to topple a government supported by thousands of Basotho. Oops, that’s a lie. This a decision of less than 10 political leaders who are now shopping around for other MPs to support their decision.
Yes, toppling a government in parliament is not illegal. Yes, the opposition can do it. But the pertinent question is whether this is what Basotho want and it’s good for Lesotho.

Who has told the politicians that this is what the people want? Who did they consult, when and how?
Yes, Uncle Sam is fumbling and dithering. Yes, some of his ministers behave like rabbits caught in headlights on the Main North 1 Road. True, some of the appointments stink of nepotism.
But all these are nothing new or outrageous. We have seen worse from the very people now screaming their lungs out. It’s not as if the opposition now has a low tolerance for tosh.

After all, they are the very masters of tosh. This is not about service delivery or some transgressions.
This is about power and resources. Not power to serve Basotho. Not resources to share with Basotho. It is about the power to shove in their armpits while they munch the resources. That is why they keep telling us what Uncle Sam has done wrong instead of saying why they think they will do better.
They are not saying they will screw us softly this time around. No promise to go easy on the looting. Nothing about limiting the number of rats in the granary. They don’t even have the decency to promise to move from F to E.

As far as they are concerned, we just have to stand by and watch while they kick out Uncle Sam and then cheer as they march back to do more of the same. This is the contempt they have for the people. We elect governments that MPs have the power to topple willy-nilly while claiming to be acting on our behalf. We have been screwed before but these are rough riders. Phew!

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuuu

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