Connect with us


Political prostitutes



SOME things are just obvious. Former Prime Minister Pakalitha Mosisili is an expired political product that can neither be re-launched nor rebranded. Semano Sekatle is a political sell-out who has no shame in wallowing in his flip-flopping pranks.

The Lesotho Mounted Police Service is a rag-tag of thugs in uniform. If you deny these three facts then you either have the short-term memory of a baboon. Let’s start with Size Two.
His politics is as old fashioned as a georgette skirt.

It’s sad that he doesn’t seem to understand that he is a political goner. Instead of hiding somewhere under some Qacha’s Nek rock he still wants to hog the limelight by masquerading as a mover and shaker. There was a time when he was a political crocodile for sure.
Then he could arouse congress zealots and scare opponents. As a statesman Size Two never grew to be a political giant but he was not a midget either.
A man of no stunning talents apart from stringing together some Sesotho idioms and stinging opponents with vulgar barbs, Mosisili is fortunate to have led this country for nearly 15 years. Now he is a political lizard.

Instead of trying to shout his way back to political relevance he should spend his last years pinching himself and loudly wondering how such an average soul like him became a prime minister.
Either that or he should be telling folktales to his grandchildren. His camels miss him terribly anyway.

But you cannot whisper such wisdom to Size Two for he has no life outside politics. He has no hobby apart from waffling at political rallies.
Little wonder he is still perambulating the streets, a megaphone in hand and handful bigots in tow. The other day he was announcing his exit from politics with vim.
Adios, he said in a letter to his party’s mediocre executive committee. Not many grieved because the idea that he was still politically relevant resided nowhere else apart from his head.
A few days ago he was telling his ever dwindling pond of followers that he wanted to leave politics in 2012. Why that revelation matters now, only he can tell.
The point, though, is that he didn’t leave. Therefore, there is no point telling us that he was persuaded to stick around.

It’s not as if he has much to show for the two decades he was in power. His brief return in 2015 ended in disaster. It was as if he had returned to show the people that they were correct when they said he was a hopelessly incompetent leader.

Like he wanted a second bite of the cherry so that anyone who gave him the benefit of the doubt is put to shame. Even after a three-year leave he came back and bungled even the most mundane assignments while shoving the country down a precipice.
Those who never doubted his ineptness merely sighed and said: oa mo bona motho oa hao!

And those who had any lingering doubts about his mediocrity said: He! Ke utloile ke Mosisili.
Any question about Mosisili’s ability to bodge things has been put to rest after a two decade long test. Yet here we are, getting our ears assaulted by the same man.
Muckraker is now telling the old man to just zip it or risk losing the morsels of goodwill he still enjoys amongst his last few supporters. There is something disgusting about people who don’t know when to say goodbye.

Anyone who has interacted with Sekatle knows that he has a taste for the finer things of life.
His main problem is that he does not have the means to afford those things.
That is to be expected for a man who was pampered by the state for years.

As ministers, husband and wife were chauffer driven. They had state security and access to about six government cars as a family.
Their proximity to Mosisili guaranteed that they could be ministers for as long as he was in power.
Their homeboy would never let them live modest lives when he had the power to pummel them with goodies from the government. Those days are gone and the husband has been inconsolable.
Suddenly he was living on an MP’s salary and had no access to the treats that government once provided.
You would think that will be a motivation for the man to venture into business and earn enough to afford his own bodyguards, drivers and luxurious cars. But that is not how Lesotho’s career politicians think. When the chips are down they simply commit political adultery.

Sekatle simply eloped to the ABC. His only justification for that fornication was that Uncle Tom had promised him a ministerial position.
Note that he did not say he was pushed out or there was a substantial dispute with his colleague. There is no mention of ideological shift in the party he is leaving and the one he is joining.
He didn’t have a Damascene moment.

Sekatle joined the ABC because he missed the things he enjoyed when he was a minister. He just could not go back in lifestyle. Does that make him a horrible person?
No! It confirms that politicians have no shame. Sekatle’s decision proves that politicians live for themselves. You cannot blame a pig for dabbling in filth.
Until recently Muckraker believed that like diapers politicians need to be changed frequently. It is with a sad heart that she announces that she was horribly wrong. Politicians are the very scum that make it necessary to change the diapers.

Contrary to popular belief, the problem with our police is not lack of education but lack of manners. Many people have never seen the door to a classroom but are professional and good human beings.

So we should stop blaming the lack of education for the police brutality. Remember lack of education does not make you violent or dull.
There is no connection between literacy and intelligence. Nor is there any link between manners and education. There are lots of uncouth characters who have been to school. The problem with our police is lack of manners. Not that those who sired them did a bad job. Far from it.
Most officers were decent human beings until they started their training.

The first instruction at the Police Training College was for each trainee to take off their brains and drop them into a large bin outside. There was also another bin in which to deposit good manners. And so for the next six months they were immersed in the thuggish doctrine that anchors police operations.
Lesson one: “Beat and think later. Thinking is for weak people. Violence gets you far in the police force. A sjambok is your best friend. Your ears are not meant to listen to people but the sound of your sjambok landing on their skin. Never be bothered by manners.”
Lesson two: always remember lesson one.

They carry those lessons like a badge of honour throughout their careers.
Butha-Buthe police boss, Senior Superintendent Teboho Khesa, remembered this lesson when asked about the reign of terror police officers unleashed on villagers in Kao.
He said police “took the whole village because, for example, if a sheep has lumpy wool all the sheep in the kraal should be dipped” to cure them.
The analogy here is astounding.

The people are the sheep, the village is the kraal, lumpy wool is crime and dipping is beating. The only problem is that you don’t fight crime by treating it like lumpy wool.
There is no need for the whole village to be rounded up because someone has misbehaved. Collective punishment has always been wrong. You don’t need matric but manners to know this.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuu!

Continue Reading


Let them take korobela



Nqosa Mahao has pulled a fast one on his opposition comrades to join Uncle Sam’s government. Muckraker suspected the bromance among the opposition leaders would end in tears but never expected Mahao to do the betraying. The lesson is that there is no honour among politicians and everyone has a price. The BAP’s price is two cabinet seats and some morsels to be flung its way here and there.
The opposition is furious at Mahao for stringing them along for three weeks while Uncle Sam whispered sweet little things in his ears.

They say Mahao attended their nocturnal meetings to plot Uncle Sam’s demise but was busy with a plan to get himself a mok’huk’hu in the government.
Their screams of anger are hypocritical. They too would have been charmed for the right price. Mahao just happened to have yielded earlier than them. None of them can claim that they were not approached by the RFP or its dealmakers.

No one could claim that they refused the RFP’s marriage proposal because they differed on ideology and principle. The only sticking issue was what was offered and what they thought their support was worthy. So let’s bin the hypocrisy and confirm that some of them overreached and overestimated their value by holding out for more spoils. It’s not their business if Mahao sold himself too cheap.

He was smart enough to understand that the market of political support was already flooded. That is being pragmatic.
In the end, it was a simple matter of demand and supply. Uncle Sam played the game well by lodging a scarecrow of a court case to delay the vote of no confidence to buy himself time. That blindsided the opposition leaders and allowed Uncle Sam to counterattack.

So while Lehata was laughing like a hyena in parliament and the opposition congregated at the BNP Centre for drinks Uncle Sam was cooking some delicious dish across town. It was only a matter of time before the aroma reached the politicians’ noses.

So while they were claiming to be united most of them were busy receiving calls to hear what was on the menu. It was a buffet of embassies and cabinet seats. The desserts were deputy minister positions and some small jobs for hungry supporters. The only problem with some of the opposition leaders was that they wanted to eat the whole buffet, including Uncle Sam’s portion.

Meanwhile, Uncle Sam was busy gauging what was enough to satiate the hungriest among the opposition leaders. In the end, he knew he didn’t have to part with much to get the deal and the numbers he wanted. Some politicians are saying Mahao could have asked for more because Uncle Sam was desperate and cornered. Not true!

Your tomatoes do not cost more simply because you worked hard to produce them or you think they are special. It’s the market that decides.
To get more for them you should get the timing right. The same applies to political support. Uncle Sam knew the market of political support would be oversupplied if he waited a few days before buying.

By the time he came to the market the available political support was about to rot and everyone was willing to sell at a huge discount. This is common sense but some opposition leaders want to pretend Mahao ambushed them by selling fast.

Muckraker suggests that next time they plot against Uncle Sam, the opposition leaders should visit a sangoma to give them all a huge dose of korobela so that none is tempted to find another lover. The best love portion comes from the North of us. Mwa, mwa, mwa!

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuuu

Continue Reading


How to share a stolen goat



Those who think Uncle Sam is now safe from the barbarians at the gates are naïve. Mahao’s defection is a temporary setback from which the opposition leaders are plotting to recover.
They are coming because Uncle Sam is holding something they cannot live without: power.
And they will not rest until they get it. Those who believe this fight is based on principle and ideology are unmitigated dimwits. Their claim that Uncle Sam’s government has failed is just a cover to justify their plot. They know they would not do a better job.

Everyone knows that because they have seen their epic bungling when they had a chance to rule.
The notoriety of their thievery, corruption, deliberate mismanagement and nepotism precedes them. They say Uncle Sam has failed to implement his party’s campaign promises but forget that some of them failed several times. If this was about ideology and principle it would reflect in the negotiations for coalitions. In countries where politicians still have morsels of self-respect and specks of shame, such negotiations would be dominated by ideological and policy considerations.

Political parties try to find some common ground on fundamental issues like the economy, education, climate change, trade and foreign policy.
Our rascals here talk about ministerial and diplomatic positions as if they are sharing a stolen goat; I want the head, give me likahare.

My ancestors said I should always eat the testicles. Give me the liver, I don’t have teeth. The heart is my favourite. In a way, our government is like a stolen goat being shared by thieves. Ba ja maleo.

It’s a fat goat stolen from Basotho. The politicians will eat it and not leave even the skin for Basotho to make a mat to lay on when hungry. The thieves are eating while the people watch.

Yet we people never tire to give the politicians the permission to rob and pee on them.
It’s tempting to say we deserve it but no one, not even the Devil, deserves the politicians we have in this country. Some say there is hell somewhere. Muckraker says we are already in a hell of some sort created by our politicians. We are being roasted slowly by politicians and they will never stop.

Does that make you feel depressed and hopeless? Well, you are not alone. There are worse places on this earth. Does that mean we should accept tosh because there is worse tosh in other places?
Well, it’s your choice.

Muckraker wishes you a wet weekend. Let’s hope Uncle Sam throws us a party to celebrate his great escape. You marched for him, didn’t you?
A beer is what you deserve for sweating from Maseru Mall to parliament.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuuu

Continue Reading


Give Lehata a Bell’s



Mootsi Lehata behaved like a clown in parliament last week. Laughing like he was in a shebeen. Spewing insults as if someone had stolen his goats. He even used the ‘F’ word on Lejone Mpotjoane.
“Moshanyana enoa a se ke a ntella. Se ke oa ntella sonny, f**k you,” he said in response to Mpotjoane. Muckraker doesn’t know Mpotjoane to be a moshanyana. What she knows is what Lehata did to a ngoanana a few years ago.

The girl dropped the rape case on the condition that Lehata builds her a house and pays for the child’s upkeep. So ke eena ea tellang molao. Some might say it’s water under the bridge but Muckraker doesn’t forgive. Never!

For now, we should talk about his monkeyshines in parliament. He looked high on something. Lehata can however deny it. He can say he was shaking because he had spent sleepless nights plotting to topple Uncle Sam. He can claim he was shaking with excitement at the prospect of becoming a minister again. If that doesn’t cut it he can say wasn’t drunk but just suffering from a hangover.

That might work because he could say those who say he was drunk on that Monday should have seen him on Sunday. He could claim he was still suffering the effects of knocking down several bottles taller than him.
But whatever happens, no one can prove that he was high.

Yes, a test could have revealed that he had blood in his alcohol but that is now beside the point because it didn’t happen. In any case, Muckraker has seen worse things in parliament. Remember how some MPs spanked each other a few years ago?

Chairs and bins were given wings. An MP was once captured on camera groping another.
As for insults, worse things have been said. Some of the MPs don’t need to be insulted to feel humiliated. Imagine how it feels to be an LCD MP.
You see it in their faces that they are beating themselves.

No wonder they are not even mentioned as part of the opposition. They are not in opposition, not government and not in the crossbench. They are there, somewhere there.

Muckraker would not sleep well if she ended these musings without mentioning one small thing. During the debate on Lehata’s tomfoolery, one opposition MP said the Speaker should protect MPs so that their images are not manipulated to tarnish their reputation. Yeah, right!

You must have a reputation first for it to be tarnished. Muckraker and 98.9 percent of Basotho know 99 percent of our MPs to be freeloading, greedy and power-hungry charlatans.
That is their reputation. Those who say our MPs are honest and hardworking are tarnishing that sterling reputation.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuuu

Continue Reading