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Power is actually sexually transmitted



DESPITE her irritation Muckraker is not about to give up on watching Lesotho TV. The reason: that atrocious little thing of stunning ineptitude can spew rare gems of raucously hilarious comedy.
Forget that ours is a pathetic excuse of a TV station. We know that! Never mind that the managers have a neat template on how not to run a TV station.
Obvious! Worry not that the directors never requested a budget for a psychologist to help its viewers to deal with the emotional trauma caused by its numbingly boring and glaringly amateurish programmes.

Phew! All those are tales for another day. For now we cherish the sporadic moment of genius that recently gripped our national TV.
A few weeks ago they had a long news clip about First Lady ‘Maesaiah Thabane haranguing officials from the Ministry of Transport and Public Works. ‘Maesaiah was in her element as she dressed down the principal secretary and director for poor service at the traffic department and the awful state of our roads.

The quick lesson for civil servants was that you must never report for duty without underwear because ‘Maesaiah might just rock up and strip you sooner than you can say ‘Mme!’
The PS stuttered while the director mumbled some inaudible gibberish. They both looked silly, which made the episode doubly mirthful. Here were two senior officials being asked rough and tough questions by someone they cannot just tell off.

But the funniest part of the clip was Uncle Tom giggling in a corner while his sweetheart roasted senior government officials who were not sure how to address her.
First, they could not understand why ‘Maesaiah was asking questions instead of her husband. Second, they could not decide to address her as a government official or merely their boss’ wife.
Third, they could not make up their minds if ‘Maesaiah was there to get proper answers or simply to embarrass them in front of the cameras.
The fourth and most important source of their confusion was whether ‘Maesaiah was speaking for herself or for her husband.

Sometimes you never know who you are answering to. Wives or husbands are usually two-in-one. You offend one and you offend the other.
You never know who is speaking. Sometimes the speaker is just a messenger of matters discussed in moments when hearts are extremely tender, bodies are soaked in sweat and tears of pleasure are flooding the eyes (Muck read that from a Mills and Boon when she was about to travel to the moon).
So you must never be fooled that the talkative wife is speaking her mind and the silent husband has no stock in what is being said. It works the other way around as well.

Muckraker is shocked some people still believe ‘Maesaiah is just a blabbermouth who has bolted out of the State House and is harassing government officials. Nothing can be further from the truth.
Such ilk desperately needs Pentecostal prayers: loud, long, tearful and sometimes violent. There is nothing ‘Maesaiah says without first rehearsing it with Uncle Tom.
‘Maesaiah: “Oh babie, today the Lexus hit a pothole along Mpilo and I sprained by back. Massage please!”
Uncle Tom: “The laziness in the transport ministry is unacceptable. Babie, I am so close to firing one of them. Just watch me sweetie”.
And so the die is cast. ‘Maesaiah has a hint on who to spank next. Soon she will unleash her whip on bare backs.

She doesn’t have to get explicit instructions to say some things because she already knows exactly what Uncle Tom thinks. And Uncle Tom says it because he knows the wife will repeat it. One day she is merely echoing what her hubby says during pillow talk and the next she is saying what he has told her to say.
So when ‘Maesaiah says you are an indolent bastard know that is precisely what Uncle Tom thinks of you. Uncle Tom’s home is not like Sekatle’s home. At Uncle Tom’s home everyone is ABC. At Sekatle’s house the husband is ABC and the wife is DC or pretends to be DC.

If you think Uncle Tom is not the brains behind Maesaiah’s words you need to be rescued from the Republic of Ignorance.
‘Maesaiah derives her power from Uncle Tom. It’s amazing that women are leading the brigade condemning ‘Maesaiah for dabbling in state matters and chastising civil servants and ministers.
Nyoe, nyoe, nyoe the woman is becoming too big for her shoes. Nyoe, she has no respect for government protocol. Nyoe, nyoe, nyoe she is undermining the Prime Minister.
Cut the crap, you hypocrites of the fairer sex. ‘Maesaiah is not saying anything particularly shocking. Most women have probably privately said vulgar things about civil servants and ministers.
If their spouses had the same power as Uncle Tom they would probably spank ministers with barbed wire and wring their ears. What stops them from speaking out loud is that their husband’s power does not go beyond the lekhoakhoa in their yard.
It’s not ‘Maesaiah’s fault that the reach of your husband’s influence is as short as the cord of an electric jug. Uncle Tom’s power is national while your husband’s is restricted to the four corners of your house. Blame it on your husband’s lack of ambition. Don’t hate the player or the game: just make your own game.

Men’s anger at ‘Maesaiah is also baffling because it is not based on any fundamental issue but just a hollow demand that ‘Maesaiah should respect them because they are men.
Well, whether you are a man or not depends on the stick between your legs. That’s anatomy in whose design you had no input.
The respect you get depends on your influence, power and authority. People respect what you have become and not what you were born as.
Uncle Tom is prime minister so his wife sometimes borrows his powers to speak her mind on certain things. It’s not ‘Maesaiah’s problem some husbands have no power to lend to their sweethearts.

Wives of headmasters are flexing their muscle in rural schools. The chief’s wife thinks villagers should treat her like a chief. The pastor’s wife is a shallow idiot high on stolen tithes but you tolerate her because of her husband’s power.
The last time Muckraker checked you were trying to ingratiate yourself with your boss’ wife. Live with it or marry someone higher up the echelons. Power is actually sexually transmitted. (Where do you think nyatsis get the arrogance they exude when confronted by the wife married with cows?)

We deny it because it hurts. We refuse to accept it because it reminds us that we have no power to transmit or take from our spouses.

Let’s bin that narrow narrative that seeks to portray ‘Maesaiah as a loose cannon. It’s unhelpful. We are only hurting ourselves with such petty lies.
Muckraker has no doubt that Uncle Tom is using ‘Maesaiah as his paw to scratch comrades he thinks are not pulling their weight. Using his wife removes the familiarity he has with most of the people in government.

With his wife leading the attack the comrades cannot claim that Uncle Tom has turned on them.
They cannot say their boss has forgotten that they were in the trenches together.

Those who have been spanked by ‘Maesaiah are fools to think that Uncle Tom had nothing to do with the walloping. Uncle Tom is happy when you see him as a victim because it means you don’t blame him for the mess in government. You direct your anger at ‘Maesaiah, a person who is not in government and might never be on the ballot.

The people you should be blaming are the ministers and the government officials. Nope, Muckraker lies. Uncle Tom should take the blame for allowing indolent rascals to run ministries.
He is the one who appointed the lazybones that now pervade the government corridors. It’s weird that Uncle Tom is now setting his sweetheart on the people he can simply fire.

It’s appalling that not many have seen through this ruse. Blame it on groupthink, a toxic game played by charlatans who think there is more substance in opinion than thought.
No wonder Uncle Tom says he wants to complete a decade in power. By 2027 he will be nearly 90. Most ninety-year-olds Muckraker knows are either in diapers or have lost their sight or are playing morabaraba with their ancestors.

None is capable of leading even a flock of sheep. Let’s remember that before we start ululating for mischievous ideas.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuu!

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Let them take korobela



Nqosa Mahao has pulled a fast one on his opposition comrades to join Uncle Sam’s government. Muckraker suspected the bromance among the opposition leaders would end in tears but never expected Mahao to do the betraying. The lesson is that there is no honour among politicians and everyone has a price. The BAP’s price is two cabinet seats and some morsels to be flung its way here and there.
The opposition is furious at Mahao for stringing them along for three weeks while Uncle Sam whispered sweet little things in his ears.

They say Mahao attended their nocturnal meetings to plot Uncle Sam’s demise but was busy with a plan to get himself a mok’huk’hu in the government.
Their screams of anger are hypocritical. They too would have been charmed for the right price. Mahao just happened to have yielded earlier than them. None of them can claim that they were not approached by the RFP or its dealmakers.

No one could claim that they refused the RFP’s marriage proposal because they differed on ideology and principle. The only sticking issue was what was offered and what they thought their support was worthy. So let’s bin the hypocrisy and confirm that some of them overreached and overestimated their value by holding out for more spoils. It’s not their business if Mahao sold himself too cheap.

He was smart enough to understand that the market of political support was already flooded. That is being pragmatic.
In the end, it was a simple matter of demand and supply. Uncle Sam played the game well by lodging a scarecrow of a court case to delay the vote of no confidence to buy himself time. That blindsided the opposition leaders and allowed Uncle Sam to counterattack.

So while Lehata was laughing like a hyena in parliament and the opposition congregated at the BNP Centre for drinks Uncle Sam was cooking some delicious dish across town. It was only a matter of time before the aroma reached the politicians’ noses.

So while they were claiming to be united most of them were busy receiving calls to hear what was on the menu. It was a buffet of embassies and cabinet seats. The desserts were deputy minister positions and some small jobs for hungry supporters. The only problem with some of the opposition leaders was that they wanted to eat the whole buffet, including Uncle Sam’s portion.

Meanwhile, Uncle Sam was busy gauging what was enough to satiate the hungriest among the opposition leaders. In the end, he knew he didn’t have to part with much to get the deal and the numbers he wanted. Some politicians are saying Mahao could have asked for more because Uncle Sam was desperate and cornered. Not true!

Your tomatoes do not cost more simply because you worked hard to produce them or you think they are special. It’s the market that decides.
To get more for them you should get the timing right. The same applies to political support. Uncle Sam knew the market of political support would be oversupplied if he waited a few days before buying.

By the time he came to the market the available political support was about to rot and everyone was willing to sell at a huge discount. This is common sense but some opposition leaders want to pretend Mahao ambushed them by selling fast.

Muckraker suggests that next time they plot against Uncle Sam, the opposition leaders should visit a sangoma to give them all a huge dose of korobela so that none is tempted to find another lover. The best love portion comes from the North of us. Mwa, mwa, mwa!

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuuu

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How to share a stolen goat



Those who think Uncle Sam is now safe from the barbarians at the gates are naïve. Mahao’s defection is a temporary setback from which the opposition leaders are plotting to recover.
They are coming because Uncle Sam is holding something they cannot live without: power.
And they will not rest until they get it. Those who believe this fight is based on principle and ideology are unmitigated dimwits. Their claim that Uncle Sam’s government has failed is just a cover to justify their plot. They know they would not do a better job.

Everyone knows that because they have seen their epic bungling when they had a chance to rule.
The notoriety of their thievery, corruption, deliberate mismanagement and nepotism precedes them. They say Uncle Sam has failed to implement his party’s campaign promises but forget that some of them failed several times. If this was about ideology and principle it would reflect in the negotiations for coalitions. In countries where politicians still have morsels of self-respect and specks of shame, such negotiations would be dominated by ideological and policy considerations.

Political parties try to find some common ground on fundamental issues like the economy, education, climate change, trade and foreign policy.
Our rascals here talk about ministerial and diplomatic positions as if they are sharing a stolen goat; I want the head, give me likahare.

My ancestors said I should always eat the testicles. Give me the liver, I don’t have teeth. The heart is my favourite. In a way, our government is like a stolen goat being shared by thieves. Ba ja maleo.

It’s a fat goat stolen from Basotho. The politicians will eat it and not leave even the skin for Basotho to make a mat to lay on when hungry. The thieves are eating while the people watch.

Yet we people never tire to give the politicians the permission to rob and pee on them.
It’s tempting to say we deserve it but no one, not even the Devil, deserves the politicians we have in this country. Some say there is hell somewhere. Muckraker says we are already in a hell of some sort created by our politicians. We are being roasted slowly by politicians and they will never stop.

Does that make you feel depressed and hopeless? Well, you are not alone. There are worse places on this earth. Does that mean we should accept tosh because there is worse tosh in other places?
Well, it’s your choice.

Muckraker wishes you a wet weekend. Let’s hope Uncle Sam throws us a party to celebrate his great escape. You marched for him, didn’t you?
A beer is what you deserve for sweating from Maseru Mall to parliament.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuuu

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Give Lehata a Bell’s



Mootsi Lehata behaved like a clown in parliament last week. Laughing like he was in a shebeen. Spewing insults as if someone had stolen his goats. He even used the ‘F’ word on Lejone Mpotjoane.
“Moshanyana enoa a se ke a ntella. Se ke oa ntella sonny, f**k you,” he said in response to Mpotjoane. Muckraker doesn’t know Mpotjoane to be a moshanyana. What she knows is what Lehata did to a ngoanana a few years ago.

The girl dropped the rape case on the condition that Lehata builds her a house and pays for the child’s upkeep. So ke eena ea tellang molao. Some might say it’s water under the bridge but Muckraker doesn’t forgive. Never!

For now, we should talk about his monkeyshines in parliament. He looked high on something. Lehata can however deny it. He can say he was shaking because he had spent sleepless nights plotting to topple Uncle Sam. He can claim he was shaking with excitement at the prospect of becoming a minister again. If that doesn’t cut it he can say wasn’t drunk but just suffering from a hangover.

That might work because he could say those who say he was drunk on that Monday should have seen him on Sunday. He could claim he was still suffering the effects of knocking down several bottles taller than him.
But whatever happens, no one can prove that he was high.

Yes, a test could have revealed that he had blood in his alcohol but that is now beside the point because it didn’t happen. In any case, Muckraker has seen worse things in parliament. Remember how some MPs spanked each other a few years ago?

Chairs and bins were given wings. An MP was once captured on camera groping another.
As for insults, worse things have been said. Some of the MPs don’t need to be insulted to feel humiliated. Imagine how it feels to be an LCD MP.
You see it in their faces that they are beating themselves.

No wonder they are not even mentioned as part of the opposition. They are not in opposition, not government and not in the crossbench. They are there, somewhere there.

Muckraker would not sleep well if she ended these musings without mentioning one small thing. During the debate on Lehata’s tomfoolery, one opposition MP said the Speaker should protect MPs so that their images are not manipulated to tarnish their reputation. Yeah, right!

You must have a reputation first for it to be tarnished. Muckraker and 98.9 percent of Basotho know 99 percent of our MPs to be freeloading, greedy and power-hungry charlatans.
That is their reputation. Those who say our MPs are honest and hardworking are tarnishing that sterling reputation.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuuu

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