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Size Two’s rude rants



HUMAN beings like to think they matter. They think just because they are matter means they matter. They want to be taken seriously.
We all want to believe what we do and say carries some weight. In a way, we are all attention seekers. We are in a race for relevance. A stampede to mean something to other people.

That need defines relations in marriage, business, church and politics. Even nyatsis see themselves as mover and shakers despite being just side dishes.  We moan when others treat us like nonentities.

We cannot believe there are people who don’t give a rat’s behind about our words and actions.
We are vehemently hostile to the reality that we are small quantities in the broader scheme of things.

We hate to be reminded that we are just like other animals gobbling more than our fair share of scarce resources.
The election season has exposed how our politicians have an exaggerated sense of self-worth.

Apart from perambulating mountains and rivers to beg for votes Size Two has been throwing tantrums at SADC.
There is no doubt that as a local political actor Size Two is worth something. If he wasn’t relevant he would not have led this country for nearly two decades.

He would not have had the arrogance to tell us the congress movement will rule this country until donkeys have horns.
Yet it is that haughtiness that has made him believe he carries the same weight in SADC as he does locally.

A few weeks ago Size Two had the audacity to try to pull a middle finger at SADC. He penned an insolent letter to remind SADC that as a sovereign country Lesotho will not take instructions from the regional bloc.

What had angered him was the small matter of SADC wanting to send an Oversight Committee and Uncle Ramaphosa to monitor the political and security situation.

Why that would make him lose his marbles is mindboggling.
After all, Uncle Ramaphosa has been camped in Lesotho for almost half a decade. And the Oversight Committee is just a SADC surrogate whose presence here does not change much.

Yet Size Two would not let that get in the way of his cheap shots at SADC. He could not resist his two minutes of fame.
Lesotho is not your backyard garden, he told SADC as if he was instructing his maid to wash his stockings.

This is not the SADC we formed, he thundered as if it has ever been disputed that a lot has changed since the regional bloc was formed.
In all fairness, he was right.  His mistake was to think what he was saying really mattered to SADC.
As it turned out, SADC merely told him to deposit his behind on the floor and drink some water.
Instead of entertaining his rants SADC told him to hold his camels.

“May I encourage you and the government of the Kingdom of Lesotho to continue implementing Summit decisions and cooperate with all relevant SADC structures assigned to the Kingdom of Lesotho,”Mswati said to Size Two.
Those words sound polite but they carry a deeper and biting meaning. Stripped of their diplomatic coating, they amount to a chastisement for Size Two.

Mswati was saying SADC doesn’t care about the outbursts in Size Two’s cheeky letter.
While jumping and screaming you have to remember SADC is the boss and you will follow its instructions.

He was telling Size Two that none of what he said matters to SADC because the summit’s decisions are binding.
This is the reality little Lesotho has to accept pronto before it starts dispatching bile-laced missives to SADC.
It has no regional, political, geographical, social and economic value to SADC.

There is therefore no point in our leaders pretending theirs is a country capable to threatening SADC’s survival.

Keketso Ransto, who runs the silly excuse of a party called RCL, also thinks she matters in politics.
Last week she told her few supporters that RCL was no longer part of the opposition’s pact. As she spoke Muckraker wondered if there was any relationship between her frame and her ego.

Here is a sister who thinks her party is a serious political player in the election.
Calling her delusional will be a gross understatement. She probably lives in her own world where every number is automatically multiplied by ten.

In that world the 5 000 votes she got in the last election translate to 50 000. So as far as Sister Keke is concerned the RCL is worth 50000 votes and will have a dozen seats in parliament.

That makes it the Kingmaker in the June 3 election, according to her warped reasoning. May our Maker have mercy on such poor souls? It’s not that Sister Keke cannot count.

She just happens to confuse ones for tens. It’s a pity she will not be counting the votes.
Sister Keke is not high on anything illegal. She genuinely believes that without the RCL the opposition pact will suffer.
That is why she had the gall to instruct her supporters in Taung to disregard the agreement. And how many supporters were there?
Well, enough to fill a chicken bus.

No wonder her chances of getting a single seat are not so ‘chubby’.

Perhaps one of the biggest problems for Lesotho is that its people don’t know when to shut up.
They want to have the last word on everything, in arguments, funerals and weddings. They keep waffling even when it’s prudent to just zip it.

No wonder we never get much done in this country. We seem to think we will chatter away our problems.
We just keep on ranting as if our hearts will stop when we shut those beaks. The urge to prattle affects everyone, from the most sophisticated to village bumpkins.

Last week High Court Registrar, Lesitsi Mokeke, could not resist the temptation to babble.

He had been stung by a story that the High Court is leasing a ridiculously expensive house, owned by one of its judges, for the chief justice.
In full national glare Mokeke tried to justify renting a M27 000-house for a chief justice whose housing allowance is a measly M4 000.
Mokeke tried to wiggle out by claiming they had used an estate agent to find the property.

You could see that Mokeke was pleased with himself as he uttered that tosh. If you are blunt like Muckraker you could summarise what Mokeke said at that press briefing as BS.

He was saying there is nothing wrong with hiring a mansion for the chief justice because the law is silent on how much can be used.
Further, he was saying those who see a conflict of interest in the High Court renting a judge’s house were being mischievous. Which all comes to one conclusion: Mokeke is too clever by half.

For a lawyer, he could conjure up a better spin than the drivel he tried to sell to journalists.
There was no need to weave an intricate web because the scandal was there for all to see. As clear as a goat’s behind.
Coincidence is when two women wear similar dresses to the same party. A High Court renting a house from one of its judges is by design.
That Mokeke and his people did not know the house belonged to a judge until they signed the lease does not absolve them of blame. They should have known this was going to come back to haunt them.

In a rush to have the last word Mokeke forgot that the issue at hand is not that there was any scandal but that the deal creates a bad perception for the High Court.

It is the idea, and not the reality, that matters.  If Mokeke had walked out of the press briefing without mentioning the monetary side of the scandal the damage to his reputation and that of the judiciary would not be as terrible as it is.

But the man could not just help himself. He was on fire because journalists kept nodding at his words like zombies.
He said there was nothing wrong with renting a M27 000-house for the chief justice even though she is entitled to a M4000 housing allowance.

So let’s break it down.  The chief justice’s net salary is around M40 000. The M27 000 being paid for her house translates to 67 percent of her net salary.  No one in their right senses spends two-thirds of their salary on rent. The question then is: would the chief justice be staying in that house if she was paying from her salary?

Mokeke does not see anything wrong with such an arrangement because it’s not his money being used.
And herein lies the problem with our bureaucrats.

As long as the money belongs to government austerity does not apply.
That is why at his press conference Mokeke did not allude to the auditors’ finding that the lease is tantamount to uneconomical use of government funds.

That explains why civil servants sign off dubious deals.
They use the same evil justification they use when dishing contracts to unqualified and dubious companies.

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The not so noble Ashraf



English has never been our mother. It abandons us in times of trouble, especially when cornered. The best time to judge a person’s eloquence in English is when they are in distress. Walim Ashraf, the man accused of stealing M7.4 million, lost his English bundles last week when he was caught in a blue lie.

His bail hearing was going well until a DCEO investigator told the prosecutor that he was emitting lies with a straight face. He had told the court that his three children and wife were in South Africa. He even added that children were schooling in South Africa. That sounded plausible and the court appeared to have taken his word for it until the prosecutor announced that his wife and three children were in fact in India. Bingo!

Caught in the lie, Ashraf mumbled an apology before telling the court that “it was a slip of the tongue”.
In other words, his tongue has slipped and called South Africa India.

At that moment, Ashraf believed that claiming that your family is in South Africa when they are in India is a “slip of the tongue”.

The phrase he was looking for is: “I am a pathetic liar”. A slip of the tongue is a minor mistake in speech, not a fictitious relocation of your family from India to South Africa. Muckraker will not pass judgement on his charges.

Suffice to say Ashraf is an Arabic name meaning ‘most honourable one’ or ‘very noble’. Tongues that claim to have slipped when they are lying are not so noble.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuuu

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Its squeaky bum time



Uncle Sam and his leadership should not be surprised that the opposition is now grabbing them by the collar. They played into the government’s hands by making hasty and emotional decisions.

The suspension of the three MPs has now triggered a backlash that might topple the government.
The opposition is smelling blood and getting ready to pounce.

Even if Uncle Sam’s government survives the next storm, the opposition will keep coming. They are possessed by the spirit of destruction.
The next few years will be tsunami after tsunami.
Nothing motivates a politician more than the prospect of finishing off a wounded opponent.
Muckraker is tempted to say the RFP still has a chance to regroup and fight from one corner but that would be false. The trust has been broken and the wounds are too deep.

Those who have been suspended want revenge. Mediation is a waste of time. Nothing is ever forgiven and forgotten in politics.
Muckraker’s humble advice to Uncle Sam and his people is that they should stock up on painkillers because there are more pounding headaches on the way.
Keep some pills at home, office, office toilet, back pocket, handbag, wallet and even bra.

Mapesela will not rest until he is back in government and proudly messing up things.
He is beating war drums.
Uncle Sam and his people had better learn to play dirty because this is a rough game. Bones will be broken and bodies bruised.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuuu

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Rough riders



Spare a prayer for Uncle Sam as he walks on the glowing coals that is Lesotho’s politics. Call your prophets, fake and real, because the demons of Lesotho’s politics are at the gates.

Bring both fire and water because these are not Mickey Mouse demons. Leave the pigs out of this one, I beg. We still need fariki after exorcising the evil spirits. As usual, you need the powers of a potent wizard to decipher why the opposition is gathering wood for a pyre to burn both the government and its leader. That it’s such a hotchpotch betrays the fact that the reasons are contrived rather than real.

Even if they are real, none of them justifies toppling a government so soon.
And none of the opposition leaders could claim, without the usual dose of embellishment, that the so-called ‘reasons’ have come from the people. There is no scale to weigh the people’s disgust at Uncle Sam and his people.

There is no reason to pretend that those plotting to whip Uncle Sam out of office are doing it for the people who voted less than a year ago. This is just another group of excitable and power-mongering zealots cooking up reasons to justify their attempt to instigate a power grab.

You hear from their flawed logic when they exuberantly claim that it is their right to bring a no-confidence vote against the government.
They pull out that trump card even when no one has accused them of any criminality. They do it to sanitise and deodorise their brazen usurpation of the people’s power.
It’s their way of justifying why a group of less than 50 people who lost an election now has both the power and the nerve to topple a government supported by thousands of Basotho. Oops, that’s a lie. This a decision of less than 10 political leaders who are now shopping around for other MPs to support their decision.
Yes, toppling a government in parliament is not illegal. Yes, the opposition can do it. But the pertinent question is whether this is what Basotho want and it’s good for Lesotho.

Who has told the politicians that this is what the people want? Who did they consult, when and how?
Yes, Uncle Sam is fumbling and dithering. Yes, some of his ministers behave like rabbits caught in headlights on the Main North 1 Road. True, some of the appointments stink of nepotism.
But all these are nothing new or outrageous. We have seen worse from the very people now screaming their lungs out. It’s not as if the opposition now has a low tolerance for tosh.

After all, they are the very masters of tosh. This is not about service delivery or some transgressions.
This is about power and resources. Not power to serve Basotho. Not resources to share with Basotho. It is about the power to shove in their armpits while they munch the resources. That is why they keep telling us what Uncle Sam has done wrong instead of saying why they think they will do better.
They are not saying they will screw us softly this time around. No promise to go easy on the looting. Nothing about limiting the number of rats in the granary. They don’t even have the decency to promise to move from F to E.

As far as they are concerned, we just have to stand by and watch while they kick out Uncle Sam and then cheer as they march back to do more of the same. This is the contempt they have for the people. We elect governments that MPs have the power to topple willy-nilly while claiming to be acting on our behalf. We have been screwed before but these are rough riders. Phew!

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuuu

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