……….AS we bid farewell to the SADC Mission in Lesotho, we are happy to re-publish this hilarious piece on SADC babies. Enjoy!………
Muckraker is thrilled the SADC standby army will soon be on our shores. But her excitement has nothing to do with the prospects of those foreign soldiers spanking our mischievous soldiers when they get to their usual monkey shines.
Muckraker has never believed in outsourcing solutions to the shenanigans in our barracks.
She is not persuaded that yanking a few rotten apples from the ranks and tinkering with regulations will solve our problems
So forget what our government and SADC say is the mandate of the standby army. They are missing the real point of those foreign soldiers.
There are two reasons why we urgently need those soldiers here. And they are not security and stability. No!
The first is to populate our country. Frankly, that is no job for a miserly 300 or so soldiers SADC countries are offering us.
We need at least 30 000 to be stationed here for at least five years. Yeh, I said it. Half a decade with foreign soldiers.
The recent census proves beyond any grain of doubt that our population is not growing fast enough.
That’s probably means more people are dying than what we are producing, the women have become stingy with their wombs or our men have abdicated their Maker’s duty to populate this little territory.
It is embarrassing that there are more goats than people in this country. It is time we seek foreign intervention.
There is no better way to do that than using soldiers paid by their own SADC to allegedly protect us. There is nothing sinister with being creative with borrowed things.
Imagine if a neighbour lends you a bulldog to guard your house and you discover that the dog has other talents like making cute puppies. The neighbour would not begrudge you for buying a female dog.
The second and perhaps the most important reason to have the foreign soldiers here is genetic engineering. You can call it genetic intervention if you like but the point remains the same.
For years we have been marrying amongst ourselves, hoping to keep our breed pure.
We have been marrying cousins and nephews. With time the gene bank has shrunk.
That policy, if we may call it that, has been ruinous. Because we are fishing from the same pool we are producing a breed that thinks and behaves alike. Worse, we make children who will think and act like us.
Little wonder our economy is not growing. Thabo starts a carwash and everyone in the country thinks it’s the only brilliant idea around.
Soon you have twenty struggling carwashes in one village and the owner will still be wondering why business is terrible. It’s the same with the taxi and chisanyama businesses.
A country whose citizens think alike is destined for doom. We have a generation predisposed to being polarised. We are a garrulous bunch that never gets anything done because it is committed to fighting useless battles. Groupthink is the bane of our country.
We are so fixated on uniform thinking that we have come to believe those who hold contradictory ideas and views are enemies. That is why propaganda has never been difficult to spread in Lesotho.
We are pliable to even the most idiotic of ideas. You see this in the calibre of debate on our grossly incompetent radio stations.
An inept presenter poops something outrageous and a battalion of listeners, in a zombie-like stupor, jostle to support it.
Rarely do we hear someone berating the presenter for being an unmitigated nincompoop. It’s there in politics too.
We are said to have been divided between two main ideologies: nationalist and congress. Being literally one person, we force our political choices to fit into these manufactured groupings.
Beyond being a nationalist or congress there is nothing else we can be.
There are those who might fret about the stature of the offsprings we will be getting from the SADC soldiers but that fear is overdone.
Indeed there is no harm in having taller offsprings. Science has proven that shorter people, especially men, have an inferiority complex (Muckraker just conjured that from her experience with men bereft of metres).
It could be one of the reasons why men in this country like brawling over tosh.
Our men are forever on the lookout for people they suspect of disrespecting them. Add a little height to this generation and we might just have less quarrelling about mundane issues on the streets.
Off course there is a chance that the children from the SADC men and women will be a little darker but that’s a small price to pay for free genetic engineering.
In any case there is no scientific benefit to having lighter pigmentation. Muckraker has heard this nonsensical refrain that Basotho women are beautiful. Phew! Yeah right, many are dull though. Beautiful but slow. As Trump, yes that dimwit, says: nice tits, no brains.
Muckraker is not saying our women are generally dull. It’s just that this beauty thing is so overrated that you would think it contributes to the GDP.
We will be daft to deny that we don’t need to expand our gene pool, especially given the pathetic state of our country. We are forever looking for outside mediators.
It is almost impossible to deal with our problems because we are related somewhere somehow.
You walk into a High Court to find your distance cousins perched on the judge’s chair. Thieves are being investigated by cousins and nephews. Uncles are being forced to convict their nephews.
Dig deeper into your history and you will discover that you share some genes with someone you are probably ill-treating.
That is why in times on disagreement we don’t have faith in our own mediators. There is therefore nothing scandalous with asking some foreigner from nearby countries to intervene in the making of future generations.
The SADC soldiers are what we have always wanted for this purpose because their intervention does not come at a cost. We don’t like to pay for things here.
Being on an international mission, there is no way they will demand to remain in this country forever on account that they have planted their seeds here.
So how do we make sure they don’t demand paternity and maternity rights when their mission is over? Well, that is a matter for another day.
Children born by a foreign father or mother are ours. After the mission those who would have participated in the genetic engineering project will get a gratuity.
But if they insist on taking their children then we will expose them for moonlighting while on international duty.
We will tell the world that instead of helping to create a conducive atmosphere for reforms they were busy interfering with our demographic matters.
If that doesn’t work we will manufacture bigger lies about them. That is how we do things here: we lie big. Let the hunt for SADC babies begin.
Let them take korobela
Nqosa Mahao has pulled a fast one on his opposition comrades to join Uncle Sam’s government. Muckraker suspected the bromance among the opposition leaders would end in tears but never expected Mahao to do the betraying. The lesson is that there is no honour among politicians and everyone has a price. The BAP’s price is two cabinet seats and some morsels to be flung its way here and there.
The opposition is furious at Mahao for stringing them along for three weeks while Uncle Sam whispered sweet little things in his ears.
They say Mahao attended their nocturnal meetings to plot Uncle Sam’s demise but was busy with a plan to get himself a mok’huk’hu in the government.
Their screams of anger are hypocritical. They too would have been charmed for the right price. Mahao just happened to have yielded earlier than them. None of them can claim that they were not approached by the RFP or its dealmakers.
No one could claim that they refused the RFP’s marriage proposal because they differed on ideology and principle. The only sticking issue was what was offered and what they thought their support was worthy. So let’s bin the hypocrisy and confirm that some of them overreached and overestimated their value by holding out for more spoils. It’s not their business if Mahao sold himself too cheap.
He was smart enough to understand that the market of political support was already flooded. That is being pragmatic.
In the end, it was a simple matter of demand and supply. Uncle Sam played the game well by lodging a scarecrow of a court case to delay the vote of no confidence to buy himself time. That blindsided the opposition leaders and allowed Uncle Sam to counterattack.
So while Lehata was laughing like a hyena in parliament and the opposition congregated at the BNP Centre for drinks Uncle Sam was cooking some delicious dish across town. It was only a matter of time before the aroma reached the politicians’ noses.
So while they were claiming to be united most of them were busy receiving calls to hear what was on the menu. It was a buffet of embassies and cabinet seats. The desserts were deputy minister positions and some small jobs for hungry supporters. The only problem with some of the opposition leaders was that they wanted to eat the whole buffet, including Uncle Sam’s portion.
Meanwhile, Uncle Sam was busy gauging what was enough to satiate the hungriest among the opposition leaders. In the end, he knew he didn’t have to part with much to get the deal and the numbers he wanted. Some politicians are saying Mahao could have asked for more because Uncle Sam was desperate and cornered. Not true!
Your tomatoes do not cost more simply because you worked hard to produce them or you think they are special. It’s the market that decides.
To get more for them you should get the timing right. The same applies to political support. Uncle Sam knew the market of political support would be oversupplied if he waited a few days before buying.
By the time he came to the market the available political support was about to rot and everyone was willing to sell at a huge discount. This is common sense but some opposition leaders want to pretend Mahao ambushed them by selling fast.
Muckraker suggests that next time they plot against Uncle Sam, the opposition leaders should visit a sangoma to give them all a huge dose of korobela so that none is tempted to find another lover. The best love portion comes from the North of us. Mwa, mwa, mwa!
How to share a stolen goat
Those who think Uncle Sam is now safe from the barbarians at the gates are naïve. Mahao’s defection is a temporary setback from which the opposition leaders are plotting to recover.
They are coming because Uncle Sam is holding something they cannot live without: power.
And they will not rest until they get it. Those who believe this fight is based on principle and ideology are unmitigated dimwits. Their claim that Uncle Sam’s government has failed is just a cover to justify their plot. They know they would not do a better job.
Everyone knows that because they have seen their epic bungling when they had a chance to rule.
The notoriety of their thievery, corruption, deliberate mismanagement and nepotism precedes them. They say Uncle Sam has failed to implement his party’s campaign promises but forget that some of them failed several times. If this was about ideology and principle it would reflect in the negotiations for coalitions. In countries where politicians still have morsels of self-respect and specks of shame, such negotiations would be dominated by ideological and policy considerations.
Political parties try to find some common ground on fundamental issues like the economy, education, climate change, trade and foreign policy.
Our rascals here talk about ministerial and diplomatic positions as if they are sharing a stolen goat; I want the head, give me likahare.
My ancestors said I should always eat the testicles. Give me the liver, I don’t have teeth. The heart is my favourite. In a way, our government is like a stolen goat being shared by thieves. Ba ja maleo.
It’s a fat goat stolen from Basotho. The politicians will eat it and not leave even the skin for Basotho to make a mat to lay on when hungry. The thieves are eating while the people watch.
Yet we people never tire to give the politicians the permission to rob and pee on them.
It’s tempting to say we deserve it but no one, not even the Devil, deserves the politicians we have in this country. Some say there is hell somewhere. Muckraker says we are already in a hell of some sort created by our politicians. We are being roasted slowly by politicians and they will never stop.
Does that make you feel depressed and hopeless? Well, you are not alone. There are worse places on this earth. Does that mean we should accept tosh because there is worse tosh in other places?
Well, it’s your choice.
Muckraker wishes you a wet weekend. Let’s hope Uncle Sam throws us a party to celebrate his great escape. You marched for him, didn’t you?
A beer is what you deserve for sweating from Maseru Mall to parliament.
Give Lehata a Bell’s
Mootsi Lehata behaved like a clown in parliament last week. Laughing like he was in a shebeen. Spewing insults as if someone had stolen his goats. He even used the ‘F’ word on Lejone Mpotjoane.
“Moshanyana enoa a se ke a ntella. Se ke oa ntella sonny, f**k you,” he said in response to Mpotjoane. Muckraker doesn’t know Mpotjoane to be a moshanyana. What she knows is what Lehata did to a ngoanana a few years ago.
The girl dropped the rape case on the condition that Lehata builds her a house and pays for the child’s upkeep. So ke eena ea tellang molao. Some might say it’s water under the bridge but Muckraker doesn’t forgive. Never!
For now, we should talk about his monkeyshines in parliament. He looked high on something. Lehata can however deny it. He can say he was shaking because he had spent sleepless nights plotting to topple Uncle Sam. He can claim he was shaking with excitement at the prospect of becoming a minister again. If that doesn’t cut it he can say wasn’t drunk but just suffering from a hangover.
That might work because he could say those who say he was drunk on that Monday should have seen him on Sunday. He could claim he was still suffering the effects of knocking down several bottles taller than him.
But whatever happens, no one can prove that he was high.
Yes, a test could have revealed that he had blood in his alcohol but that is now beside the point because it didn’t happen. In any case, Muckraker has seen worse things in parliament. Remember how some MPs spanked each other a few years ago?
Chairs and bins were given wings. An MP was once captured on camera groping another.
As for insults, worse things have been said. Some of the MPs don’t need to be insulted to feel humiliated. Imagine how it feels to be an LCD MP.
You see it in their faces that they are beating themselves.
No wonder they are not even mentioned as part of the opposition. They are not in opposition, not government and not in the crossbench. They are there, somewhere there.
Muckraker would not sleep well if she ended these musings without mentioning one small thing. During the debate on Lehata’s tomfoolery, one opposition MP said the Speaker should protect MPs so that their images are not manipulated to tarnish their reputation. Yeah, right!
You must have a reputation first for it to be tarnished. Muckraker and 98.9 percent of Basotho know 99 percent of our MPs to be freeloading, greedy and power-hungry charlatans.
That is their reputation. Those who say our MPs are honest and hardworking are tarnishing that sterling reputation.
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