ONCE upon a time, there was an unemployed slay queen from Motimposo. Despite being broke, she had an insatiable appetite for expensive things. She loved classy weaves, clothes and food.
She had a car she could neither maintain nor fuel. The slay queen even had a maid because she said washing would damage her artificial nails. On weekends, she would attend parties and bring along uninvited groupies that always annoyed hosts.
Sometimes she would have parties at her posh flat whose rent she could not afford.
On good days she would be posting bragging WhatsApp statuses in maimed English grammar.
“#internet thingis”, “leaving the live”, “#enjoying champegini”, “loving my piknik in bushes”, “Cape Town hear we come”, “I loves road trips” or other variations.
When her bills were due she would harass lovers, ex-lovers, friends and relatives to help her pay.
She always had some silly explanation for why she could not pay.
The ATM swallowed my card, some funds have not been cleared, Uncle mang-mang delayed transferring my money or Ausi Nthabeleng hasn’t paid me.
Although she was a high school dropout, she occasionally blamed her money troubles on the NMDS.
Those NMDS people are yet to deposit my allowance, she would say with a straight face devoid of any shame.
Those who refused to help out found themselves hit with snide comments on her WhatsApp statuses or Facebook. “When friends are dark days are few”, “Every dog must have a day”,
“Jehovah bless these my enemies”, “Eish, some friend we had”, “Relative are overyated”, or “Your worst enemies is the one closed to you”. All because they refused to fund her opulent life.
When they insisted that she cut her reckless money habits or get a job at the textile factories she would rush to social media for more jabs. “I am not that cheaper”, “I have standards to manteni”, “It’s my life, I live the way I wants it” or “Mind you businesses”.
This is not a story about slay queens, employed or not.
It’s about the budget the finance minister presented last week.
That budget has proven that this government is an unemployed slay queen.
It is broke and unemployed but likes to make a long wish list of things it wants to accomplish.
It budgets and then looks for the money later. Every cent mentioned in that budget is yet to be earned and might never come. It’s all based on the assumption that someone will pay.
It’s either the impoverished taxpayers or the tired donors. Nyoe, nyoe, nyoe, our development partners. Blah, blah, blah SACU.
Yet the perforated pockets will not stop this lazy slay queen from spending as if money grows on trees.
The wage bill remains high, ministers still have two cars and a battalion of staff while MPs are still getting their ill-gotten fuel allowances.
Debts are mounting, suppliers are not being paid and projects have stalled.
When the bills are due this slay queen harasses workers and businesses for tax.
The only time you see that this slay queen is clever is when it has to find new ways to rob the public and companies for more taxes. Ask them how they used the previous budget and they pretend to be confused like a villager caught taking a dump in the chief’s field.
It’s the economic crisis. Maybe it’s Covid 19. People are not paying their taxes. SACU is not bringing in much. It’s always someone else’s problem. There is no mention of the thieves in the government and the reckless expenditure on MPs. Nothing about the bloated wage bill.
Now the slay queen has run out of people to rob and is about to be a hobo.
Forget the waffling that usually follows the budget speech presentation. It’s all pseudo analyses emitted by wannabe economic experts clamouring to make sense of things way beyond their acumen. What you have just read here is the authentic analysis of the budget, delivered in simple and concise language.