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Oh, Ramatsella!



Ramatšella, Ramatšella, Ramatšella! Where art thou? 60!  That’s how many people rewarded him for his garrulous ways? Phew! 60! It is a scandal of epic proportions that only 60 people voted for him after all the energy he expended on firing salvos at his opponents on radio.
The last time Muckraker contested an election she got 33 votes. And that was not in a national election. It was a vote for a class monitor position at her school in Mafube.

The class had 44 students and the turnout was 100 percent. That is what is called a thunderous victory.
Ramatšella managed 60 in a constituency of over 10 000 people. That’s how unpopular he is. To put into perspective Ramatšella has 10 fingers, ten toes and 20 nails. That comes to 40. Add the pairs of ears, ears, lips, eyebrows and cheeks. You get 50.

Now add the head, nose, mouth, two legs, two bums, two feet and one belly to get to 60. That is what the man toiled for in the days he spent on the campaign trail.
It is crucial to note that Muckraker didn’t count the forehead and that’s for a valid reason. It is there that someone has scribbled the number 60 so that wherever he goes people remember his dubious distinction. Political failures must be paraded for all to see.
Mediocrity should never be hidden like the pregnancy of a schoolgirl.
By the way, it’s actually 59 votes because the other vote came from him. In saying this Muckraker assumes he had the courage and confidence to vote for himself.

There are times when you are so unpopular that you don’t even support yourself.
60! Phew! No wonder he is now on voicemail. He has been stunned into silence.

Voters have mastered the art of spanking politicians, especially those haughty ones who won’t stop picking fights over trivial matters. For weeks Muckraker has been calling on Ramatšella to come out of his hiding.

Some malicious people have whispered to Muckraker that he won’t be coming out soon because he is trying to delete the ‘60’ mark from his forehead.
They say he is using scouring powder, bleach, wire brush and a grinder but the ‘60’ tattoo just won’t go.

He should just quit because that brand is his to keep. Perhaps he should patent the number because he now owns it. It’s now his trademark.
No one shall utter the number ‘60’ without a licence from Ramatšella. The hour now has 59 minutes and the minute has 59 seconds.
Who are we to deny such an honourable man a title he has earned with distinction?

It’s time to stop the brouhaha and mop the crimson tears over Tlohelang Aumane’s defection. Indeed, the Democratic Congress (DC)’s bigots have screamed and bellowed enough. Adultery.

Someone should have the guts to tell them to shut the hell up and get on with the business of being his Majesty’s loyal opposition.
This mourning party over Aumane’s political infidelity is just a fart to be blown away by the wind pronto, for it has no use to this country.
So what if an MP could not resist the charms of another party? Nyoe, nyoe, nyoe, the young man is a thief. Nyoe, nyoe, nyoe, he cheated the people of Semena.

You are a disloyal moron, said some DC diehard who probably cannot even spell her name under pressure. There is a symbiotic link between illiteracy and loudness.

The whole ruckus is just some nonsense manufactured by a hoard of villagers whose only claim to fame is to sing louder and gyrate with unbridled gusto at political rallies.

Now that the June 3 election has made them redundant they are looking for a new vocation. In crying over Aumane’s defection they think they have found a new job.

If you are pissed by what Muckraker has just said grab a huge cup of water and sip slowly while you rest your behind.
You have a lot to learn before you start calling Muckraker a foulmouthed woman with an unhealthy penchant for insulting her elders. So let the lessons begin.

The first one is that Aumane has not done anything treasonous. He has murdered no ones. What he has done was done by many political leaders, some repeatedly so. Almost all political parties in this country have some connection to the BCP. Yeh, I said it. The BCP is the father and mother of all political parties.

Our political landscape is teeming with BCP surrogates masquerading as the real McCoy. There are parties that defected from parties that had defected from the BCP.

History, the subject canned by some short-sighted technocrats, shows ours to be a country replete with defectors.
The other words for defectors are traitors, turncoats, renegades, rebels and apostates. There is not a single party in this country that was not formed by someone who was coming from another party.
We can sanitise it all we want but the point remains that defection is the staple of our politics. So go ahead and cast the first stone on Aumane if you are not a defector or a member of a party formed by a defector.

The second lesson is that there is nothing illegal Aumane did. True, he could have done it with finesse but that doesn’t mean he peed on any section of the constitution.

Moving between parties is allowed for real MPs. Notice here that Muckraker says uses the word “real” because there are some fake ones who sneaked into parliament through the PR list, that one that can be cobbled up by party gurus in their bedrooms and nocturnal meetings.
Those on the PR list are beneficiaries of a generous system designed to reward failure and mediocrity. A system conjured to cuddle and flatter losers.
More like saying you are the last in the class but you can’t go back home without a little something because your mother might think she is wasting her money.  Muckraker digressed, and justifiably so because this PR business always gets her goat.
So back to the legality of Aumane’s political treachery we return. Our constitution, as emaciated and shallow as it is, says real MPs can hop into any political bed.

It doesn’t even limit the number of times they can jump because its writers understood that there is no way to control how many times a person can change their mind. If you have never changed your mind then you have no right to be holding on to that brain of yours. Rather give it to those who can put it to full use.  The third lesson has to do with the stinking nature of politics. To call Aumane a thief of votes will be to say that politics is governed by some sort of moral code. That’s just naïve.

If Aumane waited until he won the constituency to jump into the enemy’s field that means he schemed well.
If he was persuaded to move after the election result then that means he could smell an opportunity.
How long was he going to wait to become a Minister in a DC government? He wasn’t even on the waiting list of MPs to be considered for cabinet positions if the DC had won the election.

That’s because there are people who have been ministers since donkeys could write love letters and wink at each other.
Size Two has been microwaving the same old deadwood as if this country has only a 100 people.
Given the reality that there is a cabal of people who thought they were born to be Ministers Muckraker wonders what chance a 42-year-old political upstart had of becoming a minister. Cabinet positions had been captured.

The fourth lesson is intricately linked to the plain truth in our myopic politics. Opposition MPs don’t get things done. Of course they will shout and heckle ministers in parliament but on real policy issues they are nonentities. Their opinions and contributions to the making of policies are marginal, if not none at all. They don’t get to twist things to favour their constituencies. They offer their supporters nothing but a voice in parliament.
They don’t even have control over a fato-fato list.

Would the people of Qacha’s Nek enjoy decent roads if Size Two and his two cahoots were not permanent features in government?
We can ask the same in Machache where Mokola pampered the villagers with electricity and even street lights.
You many fume but that is the nature of our politics. Proximity to government matters.

Let’s now turn to the fifth and last issue which also happens to be thorny. Does what Aumane did amount to stealing?
It depends on how you look at it. If he used the DC as a log to cross a flooded Mohokare River to join the AD then he nicked. If Mokola whispered sweet little nothings into his ears after the election then he should not be in the dock.  But before we get further along this path of suppositions let’s get one thing clear: Stealing is not illegal in this country. Yeah, I said it.  People steal every time and they are celebrated instead of being locked up.

The real thieves continue to perambulate the streets while mere pickpockets are shoved into jails. Until those who looted government money through that dubious Bidvest deal are doing time behind bars no one should raise a finger against Aumane.
Aumane probably trousered some votes but that is not the worst thing that has happened in this country. There have been humongous scandals in which millions have vanished into thin air.

Aumane will have to account to his people in Semena. Whether he convinces them or leaves them irate is his business. As for the leadership in the DC he simply has to ask them to go look themselves in the mirror and ask themselves if their anger about his floor-crossing is genuine.
If they do take his advice they will see real hypocrites in the mirrors. Please tlohelang Aumane comrades.

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Machonisa on fire



It was only a matter of time before the so-called socialist party owned by a machonisa started unravelling. Now the capitalist owner of the Socialist Revolutionaries is lashing out at anyone who dares to tell him to behave himself.

Teboho Mojapela is moving around his party’s structures with a phafa, leaving his victims scratching their bums.

Muckraker has no sympathy for his victims. They deserve what they are getting.

Having deluded themselves to think that they are stockholders in the SR, they should now enjoy their harvest of thorns. They were guests at Mojapela’s house but tried to tell him how to arrange his furniture and what to eat.

He is telling them to go find somewhere to play because the SR is his personal property.

That the SR is in Mojapela’s armpits has always been clear. He formed and funded it.

It’s just that some were too naïve to realise the obvious.

Thabo Shao packed his bags and left after Mojapela whipped him out of his house. He now mumbles something about Mr Machonisa being a dictator. He says that as if it’s a discovery to be shared with the rest of the world.

Yet anyone with something between their ears would have known that a machonisa who brags about beating his naughty workers could not possibly be a democratic leader.

Only Shao and a few dimwits didn’t know that.

Anyway, Shao’s exit will not change much because he just doesn’t matter. He is a political nonentity who overrates himself.

What interests Muckraker is Mr Machonisa’s nerve to call Shao an uneducated rascal. That hurts because it’s an insult coming from someone who has made it a mission to give education a bad name. Mr Machonisa’s definition of someone educated is Tlohelang Aumane. Hear, hear, and hear. Phew!

Does anyone remember Aumane saying anything either educated or educative?

Muckraker only knows him as a political jezebel incapable of staying in one political bed for more than 15 minutes. He is always itching to be married to the next political party.

Muckraker is tempted to say Aumane is politically horny but she won’t say it for fear of offending the oversensitive souls. The kind that claims to have almost suffocated to death after someone farted in a hall.

But Mr Machonisa doesn’t care about Aumane’s habits because he thinks he is renting a brilliant political mind. A few things will happen in that union.

Mr Machonisa will soon realise that Aumane is just an empty-headed political slay queen always looking for the next partner to get him Ice Tropez (May lightning strike whoever drinks that but cannot afford it. Fire!)

Aumane will realise that Mr Machonisa is a moneyed but unrefined village bumpkin whose mouth has a terrible habit of rebelling against his brain.

Mr Machonisa will find the next brain to rent while Aumane will be putting on his stilettos to find another political lover to smooch on the Maseru streets.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuu!

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The queen Mampara



Muckraker once promised to say nothing about the Feselady but that Mampara’s mouth keeps running as if it’s connected to Muela Hydro Power Station.

The Feselady told some ABC members who visited her home that she will not associate with the party until it distances itself from the remark of suspended spokesman Montoeli Masoetsa. What made her relapse to her Drama Queen ways was Masoetsa’s attack on her and her hubby. He said the ABC lost because of Uncle Tom and Feselady.

That simple truth, known to even donkeys in Qaqatu, pierced her cheeky heart and got her tummy roiling. She now says she will never wear the ABC’s regalia until the party apologises. Don’t laugh. If this was a threat, the Feselady has lost her touch.

She used to beat people for merely looking at her in a funny way or calling her hubby.

She would harass government officials in public. Now she has been reduced to threatening to avoid yellow dresses and T-shirts to fix the ABC. Boom! Boom! The mighty Drama Queen has fallen.

What remains is just the fading memories of power sexually transmitted.

The transmitter of that power has long ceased to function literally and figuratively.

But the Feselady is too engrossed with herself to realise that she has neither the power nor the capacity to make threats to anyone. She rules only her home, yard and a few idiots still clinging to her.

It takes some sophistication to read irony and the Feselady doesn’t have even a pinch of it. Her people in Mokhotlong rejected her when she tried to sneak into parliament via that hollow popularity garnered through matrimony.

ABC supporters think she is just an uncultured blabbermouth. That she thinks anyone would lose sleep over her threats to burn the party’s regalia or turn them into fatukus is comical. Her tantrums will not change a thing. Her boycott might be the best thing to happen to the party since the October 7 defeat.

Why would the few remaining ABC supporters worry about a garrulous charlatan boycotting their party?

The last time she was wearing the ABC like a wig, it lost more than 200 000 voters, flew to the opposition benches and became a smallanyana party. Nothing hurts more than that. So bring it on mummy!

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuu!

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The RFP’s thokolosi



The RFP leaders should fire whoever is advising them on how to deal with constituencies demanding a conference to elect a new executive committee. Their response to those demands has been a comedy of errors.
It’s been nothing short of kindergarten blunders unbefitting of people who sold themselves as the smart ones to lead the country out of darkness.
The secretary general told those bellowing for a conference to take a chill pill and wait for Uncle Sammy to give directions.
Uncle Sammy said those people or their kind are divisive, dragging the party off its agenda and incapable of understanding his dream for the country.
Other leaders have said those clamouring for a conference can go plead their case to a mountain because the current national executive committee will run the party for another six pregnancies.
Never mind the words they use, the leaders are telling the members that they will not be told how to manage a party they started. This is to say the leaders will not be taking instructions from the riffraff. Yes, I said it! Those rubbed the wrong way can curse.
Someone should round up the RFP’s executive committee members, lock them up in a room, throw away the keys and spank them until they understand politics.
They are clearly struggling to make a distinction between a political party and private companies. You would think this is common sense but the human mind is always slow to banish habits.
The RFP leaders were used to being business owners, not political leaders. That is why they cannot understand why anyone who wasn’t there when they started the party can tell them how to manage it.
But make no mistake, reality will grab them by the noses and eyelids back to their senses. They will be taught three simple lessons. The first is that political parties are voluntary entities in which power lies with the members.
The second is that party members are not employees you can just instruct to jump around because you pay their wages.
The third, which is more important, is that the only time a political party is a personal property is when it’s an idea in the founder’s head. Once registered and people join, the members own the party together with its structures, leaders and vision.
The other problem with the RFP’s responses to the demands for an elective conference is that they keep pretending that those three constituencies are just rogues out to sabotage the party. Nothing can be further from the truth.
Those constituencies are small thokolosis of someone right there in the party’s echelons. They represent a growing faction in the party. That faction that is a thokolosi was birthed when the party was still a spirit. It was nurtured when the party was registered and continued to grow during the campaign.
By the time the RFP became government, it was a full-blown thokolosi vigorously doing bedroom things to produce more thokolosis. Now it is granddaddy thokolosi living in the RFP’s armpits.
There is a simple way to find the thokolosi’s owner.
Just round them up and beat them until their parents start wailing. If the parents don’t come out the thokolosis will run to them for protection.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuu!

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