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The Shebeen Queen



Muckraker is neither a psychologist nor a psychiatrist but she is sure that there is a short circuit in the Feselady’s head.
Even a fake sangoma will confirm this diagnosis.
Something horrible happened to her brains when she was young.

There are possible explanations for her craziness. The first is that she might have lent her brains to her ’mantloane mates to use as toys and they forgot to put them back properly.
Kids are messy. Some little girl must have cooked those brains in an empty Koo tin.

A naughty boy might have peed on those brains before the Feselady took them home. In short, kids played with her brains.
It could be that the Feselady was dropped on her head when she was a toddler. It is possible that she was given a sejeso in her sleep. Recent events have however shown that her tomfoolery cannot be blamed on a single mishap in childhood.

The Feselady’s shenanigans are a result of many things, some of which we might never know. That is the only plausible explanation for the madness she has exhibited in the past three years. The woman is unhinged. She is nuts. A crackpot.

Not even a few weeks in jail could stop her monkey business. Instead of using her few weeks in remand prison to repent and reform the Feselady quickly became a Shebeen Queen.
Within days the woman weaved together an elaborate scheme to get stoned behind bars. Her friend was sneaking alcohol to her and she was generously sharing it with the inmates who had a blast.

While lawyers were calling her a model citizen incapable of hurting a fly the Feselady was getting high on bootleg alcohol.
That she had the time to think of ways to be a Tjontjobina Queen confirms that she didn’t give a hoot about Uncle Tom, the same man she claimed was critically ill and miserable without her. A wife of a gravely ill man doesn’t get slouched.

Only the Feselady is capable of such tosh. It has now been proven beyond reasonable doubt that the Feselady is an unrepentant scoundrel. That she is a special breed has always been obvious. We just didn’t expect that she would put up such a splendid show of ridiculousness. Some have blamedit all on the Feselady’s lack of education.

That is utter BS. Muckraker’s mother in Mafube who left school in first grade is an outstanding woman. Most people who have little or no education are good citizens. So let’s leave school out of it.
Not even a PhD would have transformed her.
The fake doctorate from some bare-bone college made her worse.

The information about the Feselady’s mischief in prison has been coming in dribs and drabs but Muckraker’s imagination has been in overdrive.
The drama must have started when the inmates heard that the Feselady was going to be their guest of honour.

She made a grand entry in her Louis Vuitton tracksuit and a fur coat, as if she was accompanying Uncle Tom to a public event.
The inmates were in awe as she pranced around the cell to look for a warm corner to deposit her yellow bones.

She then evicted one of the inmates from the corner she wanted.
When the inmate hesitated the Feselady unleashed her Louis Vuitton sneaker on her neck. As the poor inmate scurried across the cell the Feselady ordered others to spread her blankets in the corner.
Then she waited for her terror to sink in before introducing herself.
“Hello! I am the one and only Feselady. The fire eater. I spit flames. They call me Liabolosi,” she said.
“E ‘me,” the inmates said in unison.
She had instantly stamped her authority in the little cell.

Within a few hours she was barking orders and rearranging the order in the cell. She ordered some inmates to be her maids and others to be her friends.
One inmate got a thundering slap when she announced that she can pretend to be Nteboheleng Ralekuku, the Feselady’s best friend.
“Ntebo is too special to be imitated,” she said.

Another was kicked for asking the Feselady to introduce her to the Famo gangsters.
“Those men are mine alone,” the Feselady said.
A little bird tells Muckraker that even some prison guards were her janitors. That could explain how she kept the alcohol flowing into her cell.
The inmates who submitted to her authority were rewarded with sips of alcohol and crumbs of the scrumptious meals delivered by her friends.

This story is largely imaginary but it cannot be far off the mark.
We saw how she spanked ministers and senior government officials. We recall the monstrous parties she hosted. We are aware of how she surrounded herself with brownnosers who would do her bidding.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuu!

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Tongue matters



It was not by default that some of the government’s paid and unpaid sycophants were attacking the principal secretaries who were fighting their termination.

One local newspaper which bootlicks with gusto was peeved that the principal secretaries were not giving up on their fight (We were not told why that was such an evil thing).

Their crime, as the newspaper insinuated, was that they were trying to delay the case so that they continue to earn their salaries and benefits. This tactic, the newspaper bellowed, was meant to sabotage the government. Really?

Such an inane argument would be laughable were it not tragic.

It was obvious the principal secretaries wanted to tie Uncle Sam in complex legal knots. That is how it works. No need for complicated mathematical models or throwing bones to know this would happen.

Not much acumen needed either. Just simple history and common sense. The history being that it has happened before with consistency. The common sense being that people don’t like being pushed out of their jobs for whatever reason.

It doesn’t matter how and why you do it. How people defend their bread in court is their business. In this case, the principal secretaries were not being terminated because they had done anything wrong. Wanting to hire your own people to implement your policy is no reason enough to callously fire anyone.

But somehow, Uncle Sam and his ministers thought they were a special breed that could walk into government and spank people out of their jobs. Now that the government has settled, you can be sure the same minions will pretend it was a result of the government’s brilliance or benevolence.

The truth is that the government should never have wasted its money and energy fighting the principal secretaries.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuu!

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The fear of whites



Muckraker has no racist bone in her. So she will say what she wants without the fear of being called a racist. Follow the logic slowly to avoid jumping to conclusions.

The next time the government is fighting a court battle with anyone you should watch the legal representatives carefully. You can be sure that some white fella will be representing the government.

It’s as if there is always a white messiah waiting to save our government from its legal troubles. They like importing them from across Mohokare. Even if they choose to use a ‘local’ lawyer you can be sure that they are white. The issue of experience doesn’t matter.

They just have to be white. This has been the pattern over the years and it’s likely to continue as long as our government suffers from this incessant bout of inferiority complex. Everything else can be reserved for Basotho but not the provision of legal services to the government.

Here is where it gets excruciatingly painful. The same people who import white lawyers to represent the government will gladly hire local lawyers when they have personal legal problems. This is to say they trust local lawyers to solve their problems but don’t believe they are good enough to represent the government.

But don’t be confused because there is method to this sickening habit. The only reason they don’t hire local lawyers for the government is because there is lots of money to be made.

They don’t want the paws of black local lawyers anywhere near the government’s money. As far as they are concerned, Basotho lawyers are only good enough to represent thieves, cattle rustlers and those divorcing. Lesotho’s senior lawyers are King’s Counsels in their villages and not to the government.

The government’s legal matters are reserved for imported white lawyers. And let’s not pretend this is not about skin colour. No! If it wasn’t about that, the government would have hired a few black South Africans over the years.

Muckraker has to mention this because she saw this obsession with white lawyers again recently. The government was represented by a white advocate in its legal fight with the sixteen principal secretaries. For some reason, there was no local lawyer to handle a simple labour case between the government and its employees. That lawyer was imported to help the government fight what was clearly an unwinnable case.

A simple issue that could have been resolved over motoho and cool heads was now involving some imported legal mind behind paid by the bucket. You cannot make this up. When it eventually came back to its senses, the government did precisely what it should have done from the onset: negotiate. It took a meeting of a few hours for the Minister of Labour to seal a deal with the principal secretaries.

And where was the government’s white lawyer? Well, Muckraker is not sure but suspects he was preparing his hefty invoice. The government had wasted Basotho’s money fighting Basotho using some imported lawyer. Yet it says Basotho pele! Nonsense!

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuu!

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Shaking the shack



SOME years ago Muckraker stumbled on the fascinating story of an Indian man who always drove his car in reverse.

By 2014 Harpeet Devi had been cruising in reverse on India’s roads for eleven years.

It started in 2003 when he could not afford to fix his Fiat’s gearbox. So he just started reversing to his destination. By the time he fixed the car Devi could not stop driving in reverse. He was so comfortable that he could drive at 80km/h backwards on the highways. It was now a habit he could not unlearn. Hooked on to the anomaly.

What mattered was he was going places, loved it and it worked.

Muckraker was reminded of that bizarre story when she heard of some people jostling for leadership positions in the LCD. You read that right: there are still people dreaming of leading the LCD and they are prepared to clobber each other to get to the top of that anthill of a political party. This misplaced ambition and delusion would be funny were it not tragic.

Those who made it into the LCD national executive committee days ago are inheriting a car that only drives in reverse. You don’t need basic arithmetic skills to see that the LCD has been driving in reverse for the past 10 years.

The only difference with Devi, the Indian chap, is that the LCD doesn’t have a destination and has fooled itself into thinking that it’s going forward.

It’s hurtling to its grave in reverse but those who claim to be leading it believe they are on the verge of some revival. They are not looking at the numbers because they are too scared of reality.

Instead, they will pretend that the past decade of disasters is just a passing phase and those who have jumped the sinking ship are either sell-outs or just lack vision.

Of course, the only vision that the LCD leaders have is that which is in the view mirror.

Little wonder they are quick to remember past success when faced with calamities of now. They never shut up about Ntsu Mokhehle. Ask them what they achieved and they will point to free primary education. And that’s it.

You would think Lesotho’s economy was firing on all cylinders under their leadership. You would be forgiven for thinking there was no corruption and inept management in their administration.

You know a party is caput when its leadership spends more time musing about history instead of plotting the future.

But you have to understand why the LCD is fixated with history. When you have no future all you have is history. The LCD is not a dying party. To describe it as such is to assume there is something left to resuscitate. The LCD is dead. Gone!

Those still in it are either desperate or delusional or both. Those who claim to be leading it are certified political failures and they know it. There is no leadership role for them beyond that dead donkey.

Only the LCD can tolerate their mediocrity.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuu!

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